Not a Chance (Sweet Nothings)

chapter THIRTY-ONE



Emma was babysitting that day. It was a Saturday and Travis usually took Emily to work with him since it was only a half-day and there usually wasn't much work to do. Half of his office looked like a nursery anyway. There was a swing and a bouncy chair, some toys and a bassinet. Sometimes around three he'd go to the daycare and pick Emily up and keep her with him the rest of the day. He hated to spend all day away from her.

But this Saturday Neil was down sick and the workload was extra heavy. Travis called Emma up on impulse and asked if she would sit with the baby at his house. She cheerfully accepted, as always. So Travis relaxed into his day, knowing Emily was in the best of hands.

When Emma called crying around noon, Travis's initial reaction was to get her calmed down. He couldn't make out what she was saying.

"They took her...I couldn't stop them!" she said in a brief pause between bouts of panicked crying.

"Who..."

"Tonya and her boyfriend! They just came in..."

But Travis quit listening. He felt immediately sick. He grabbed his keys, hollered at Dustin to come home with him, and then climbed in his truck and drove.

His heart pounded violently in his chest. His ears were ringing. And he was already accepting the probability that what Emma had told him was true. He swung into his driveway, turned off the truck, left the keys and went inside.

Emma met him at the door crying and clutching at him. She was in hysterics. Travis barely heard her. He brushed her gently off and then headed for his bedroom. Empty bassinet. The third room they used to use for storage had slowly been transformed into a nursery. There was a crib and toys and a changing table. No baby.

Travis gripped the frame of the doorway to steady himself. He heard the front door slam open as Dustin arrived. He heard Emma sobbing and explaining to him how Tonya had just barged in and snatched the baby up out of her swing. She told how she had tried to stop them but Tonya's boyfriend backhanded her across the face and she was so stunned and afraid that they were gone before she could get back to her feet.

Travis was either going to vomit or pass out. He fell first to his knees and then sat back against the door-frame. He sat there for a long time listening to Emma cry in the living room and Dustin try to soothe her. He took deep breaths and tried not to think past this very moment. What he needed to survive in this instant. A breath. In and out.

He stood and returned to the living room. Emma sat on the couch, tears soaking her face, and looked up at him in agony. Dustin sat on the arm of the sofa stroking her back. Travis sat next to her and kissed her on the cheek. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her face and pulled her against him, cradling her to his chest. She sobbed sorries into his shirt. He kept focussing on breathing in and out.

Emily was gone. The thought voiced itself in his mind against his will. Then he felt the cold claws of despair reach their way up his throat. Emily was gone. He tried to stop thinking it. Just breathe in and out. But his eyes started to sting and he knew he wasn't going to last much longer.

"Why don't you take Emma home," Travis said softly.

"Not leaving you alone," Dustin said.

Travis looked up at his brother through pleading, tear-blurred eyes. "I need you to take Emma home," he said.

Dustin looked uncertain. He swallowed. His eyes were wet as well. Finally he nodded and took Emma gently by the elbow.

When they were gone, Travis stood and went back to Emily's room. There were a few clothes hung over the crib that he hadn't put in the wash yet. He picked them up and pressed them to his nose, inhaling the sweet, unique blend of Emily's shampoo and her natural baby smell.

Emily was gone. Travis sat back down on the floor and cried like he'd never cried in his life. He held her clothes to his face and soaked them in his tears.



Arden was at her computer looking for Spring-themed bulletin board ideas when the front door opened. She immediately heard Emma crying. She hopped up and ran downstairs. Dustin was walking Emma to the couch. He gently helped her sit and then knelt in front of her. He brushed her hair back. Some of it stuck to her wet face and he peeled it off and pushed it aside. Her left cheek was red and puffy.

"What happened?" Arden asked.

Dustin looked up at her without emotion. "Tonya came back and took the baby. When Emma tried to stop her, Tonya's boyfriend hit her." He went back to stroking Emma's cheek gently. "I'm gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch."

Arden immediately went to her friend's side and took her hand. "Are you alright, sweetheart?" she said.

Emma nodded, squeezing her eyes shut. "Poor Travis! I'm so sorry!"

"Shhh," Dustin said. "That's enough. It wasn't your fault."

Emma kept shaking her head and saying how sorry she was.

Arden slipped her arm around Emma's shoulders. Poor Emily. She'd been in the best of care with Travis. Now what would happen to her? Arden wanted to be sick. She concentrated on holding and soothing Emma.

Dustin stood hesitantly. "You got this?" he asked.

Arden nodded. "Go be with Travis."

Dustin gave Emma one last glance and then left.

Arden spent the rest of the day trying to comfort Emma and distract her from the horrible situation. What she wanted more than anything, though, was to be holding Travis. She could only imagine the state he must be in. He was an emotional person anyway. And he'd gone against all common sense and fallen wholeheartedly in love with that baby.

It was bedtime before Arden finally felt she could leave Emma alone for a while. And that was because she was sound asleep and her mother was sitting in a chair in the corner of her room reading a book. Arden peeked in Emma's room and waved goodbye to Mrs. Harris. Then she grabbed her purse and drove straight to Travis's house.

She knocked on the front door. When there was no immediate answer, she tentatively turned the knob. Inside she followed the sound of Dustin's voice into the kitchen. All the cabinet doors had been thrown open and there was food from the refrigerator strewn out across the floor. Against the cabinets beneath the sink, Travis sat with his knees up and his elbows on his knees. His fingers were buried in his hair and he was sobbing. Dustin knelt next to him.

"It won't make it better, man. You know that," Dustin said softly.

Travis shook his head and sobbed, deep, guttural sounds. Arden caught her breath. She'd never witnessed a man crying like this before. And big, strong Travis.

She dropped her purse to the floor and rushed to his other side. Dustin spared a glance for her. "Hey, man," Dustin said, an almost fatherly tone in his voice. "Time to pull yourself together. You've got company." He patted his brother on the back.

Travis dug his palms into his eyes but kept his face covered. Arden didn't know what to do. She touched his shoulder, lightly at first. And then she slid her hand across his back and over his shoulders. She edged closer to him and pulled gently. He dropped his hands and then leaned into her, burying his face in her chest. She held him tightly and stroked his hair.

"He was looking for a drink," Dustin said. Not really to her. But the way parents talk to each other for the benefit of their child's ears. "But I told him he doesn't need one, does he?"

Arden shook her head. "No. You've got us, Travis. We'll help you through this. You don't need a drink."

He clutched at her tighter and sobbed again. She looked to Dustin. "What's his prayer?" she asked. "The prayer he says when he's feeling tempted?"

Dustin nodded approvingly. He put his hand on Travis's back. "Father, give me strength. Father, give me courage. Father give me peace. Help me love my enemies. Help me resist temptation. Help me grow in faith. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for loving me. Amen."

Halfway through the prayer Travis had begun to recite it softly. Arden joined in when she knew it. They said it three times before Travis's sobs finally subsided. Arden held him in silence a few moments longer. Then he gently pulled away and leaned his head back on the cabinets.

He stared ahead of him and looked absolutely miserable. But he wasn't crying anymore. "Sorry about the mess," he said, his voice scratchy.

Dustin patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. I'll clean it up later."

Travis didn't say anything. Arden sat on her heels and rubbed his arm up and down. He didn't seem to notice her.

Dustin stood and extended his hand to Travis. "Come on. Up you go."

Travis took his hand and pulled himself up. Arden stood. She didn't know what she'd expected. Maybe that he would be sad over his loss, but still find some way to crack a joke or flirt with her or something. But it wasn't so easy. She spent that night and the next three nights with him. She went to work as usual, but stayed in constant contact with Dustin during the day. They'd come to an unspoken agreement that Travis should not be left alone under any circumstances. In the evening she cooked for him and Dustin or brought in take-out. At night she slept with Travis in his bed.

He barely even acknowledged her. He didn't cry anymore. He just kept quiet. He seemed focussed on every movement he had to make during the day, but he didn't do more than absolutely necessary. He went to the shop to work, but he was useless there. One day she went to pick him up after school to find him staring blankly down into the unfinished engine of The Rebel.

Wednesday morning she woke up to find the bed empty. It was unusual that she wouldn't feel him moving. She jumped out of bed but didn't have to go far. He was in the nursery. He was folding blankets and clothes and putting them back in the drawers. Arden watched for a few moments. Travis surprised her by speaking for the first time since Saturday.

"I wish I could have said goodbye," he said. His voice was soft, but even. "Maybe if I can find Tonya I can hold Emily one last time. They might want some of these things, too. I sure as hell don't need them now."

Arden surveyed the room. The grandmothers at church, upon finding out about the baby, had lavished Travis with all their old baby items. As a result, he had at least two of everything.

Travis finished putting the last of the clothes away. He turned to her then. Jeans. No shirt. In any other circumstances, Arden's mind would have wandered to bedroom things. But now she was too concerned about his mental health. He looked her up and down and then a hint of his former swagger appeared. "Hey. Didn't I break up with you?"

She smiled. "I didn't think you meant it."

He looked away, a hint of a smile forming on his lips.

Arden approached him. She draped her arms over his shoulders and kissed his chest. Then she rested her cheek against him. His hands went in her hair and he pulled her head back and kissed her. It wasn't a soft and tender kiss, but a kiss of need...short and hungry. Then he grabbed her by the hand and led her back to the bedroom.

If she'd been looking for a passionate reunion, she would have been disappointed. He was courteous, but uninterested. He took her efficiently and didn't stick around for any extra. He rolled off of her onto his back and she listened to his breathing even out. Arden sat up and gazed down at him. He was just staring up at the ceiling. If his chest hadn't been rising and falling she might have thought he was dead.

Arden touched his face, trailing her fingers down his cheek and neck and chest. "Feel better?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Thanks."

"My pleasure," she said. And even though there hadn't been any "pleasure" in it for her, she was happy to give him some release. It felt good taking care of him. She hoped that after his grieving over losing Emily, he would be able to get back to his normal, optimistic self.

"I wish she'd just come and talked to me," Travis said.

"I know, baby," Arden said. She pushed his hair back off his forehead and ran her fingers through it over and over.

"I know I got no legal right to the baby and I would have given her back. But there's just things Tonya doesn't know. Like how you gotta cut the feet out of her pajamas or she won't sleep. And you can't give her her bath too early or she won't sleep. And after she eats she has to play a while or else she won't sleep. What if she gets sick and Tonya doesn't know what to do? What if they can't afford to take her to the doctor? And what if they decide they don't want her anymore and they...they..." He didn't finish the sentence.

Arden kept stroking his hair. Slowly his eyelids grew heavy and closed.

"I wish I could have said goodbye," he said softly. Arden kept stroking him until he dozed off.

Then she got up and dressed and went to school, making sure Dustin was awake before she left.