Not After Everything

She adjusts herself so she’s looking up at me. Her smile is killing me. I want her more than I’ve wanted anything. Ever.

But then her smile vanishes and she leaps out of bed, pushing me aside, as she disappears into her giant closet. When she reappears, she’s wearing a heavy robe and carrying some clothes. “You should have everything you need in the guest bathroom,” she says as she stalks toward her bathroom, not even bothering to look at me before slamming the door.

What the hell just happened? I don’t understand. I replay everything leading up to almost having sex in the hallway and realize . . . oh. I am a fucking idiot. It was out of pity. It had to have been. And . . . what? Now she’s annoyed I didn’t realize it? I mean, what else could it be?

The shower stops. I hear a hair dryer turn on. As much as I don’t want to go home, I’m pretty sure Jordyn doesn’t want me here. If I leave now, I can at least get out without another awkward encounter.

When I reach the top of the stairs, Kelly’s in the kitchen. There’s no way to sneak past her without seeming like a total dick.

“I’m making eggs, Tyler. Come, sit.” She gestures to a stool at the counter. Her brown hair is pulled up into a twist.

I really want to be gone before Jordyn comes up, but I also don’t want to be rude to the person who made me the best meal I’ve eaten since my mom died.

Kelly sets a plate and a fork in front of the stool. “Scrambled okay?”

I eye the front door. God, I want to leave, but the smell of Kelly’s cooking is probably worth more awkwardness with Jordyn, so I sit. “Absolutely.”

Kelly pushes a glass pitcher of, I’m guessing, freshly squeezed orange juice toward me.

I pour her a glass, then one for myself. “I seriously don’t know how to thank you for yesterday. That was by far the best Thanksgiving dinner I’ve ever had.”

“Oh, you’re sweet.” Kelly scoops some eggs onto the plate in front of me. “Hash browns?”

“Yes, please.”

She picks up the pan and scrapes some perfect golden-brown hash browns onto my plate and then onto hers, which she then scoots over to the place next to me.

It’s a little awkward, it being just the two of us, and I find myself glancing back at the basement stairs.

“Jordyn’s probably still sleeping,” Kelly says.

I almost correct her.

After another few awkward bites, I feel Kelly watching me. I finally steal a glance at her. She turns her head and scratches her eye.

Now I don’t care how awkward things are with Jordyn, I just want her to hurry the hell up so I don’t have to sit here alone with her mom anymore. I eat faster.

Kelly takes a big gulp of her OJ. I can hear her swallow and for some reason it infuriates me. I set my fork down, my appetite completely gone. I’m pissed off and I don’t even know why. All I know is I don’t want to be here anymore. My leg has started fidgeting. That’s it. I have to go. I wipe my mouth on my napkin, set it down, placing my hands on either side of the plate and ready myself to stand, but then Kelly laughs softly, stopping me.

“Do you remember when Sarah and I took you and Jordyn to Casa Bonita on the last day of third grade?”

It’s so out of nowhere that I have absolutely no idea how to respond.

“You broke the pi?ata on the first swing and that one crazy mother got so mad that her little two-year-old didn’t get a turn. And while she yelled at you, Sarah took the little girl and helped her get a ton of Tootsie Rolls. And then the crazy mom didn’t even thank her!”

My chest hurts. My hands clench against the counter. I’m going to lose it. Because no, I don’t remember, I don’t remember that, and who does this woman think she is? Having memories of my own mother? She didn’t even bother keeping in touch with her.

It’s only when I feel my legs shake that I realize I’m standing. And then it all happens so fast. Kelly’s holding me up and I’m sobbing into her hair like a baby. She’s crying and rocking and telling me she’s sorry, and I hate her and I need her. I hold on to her so hard.

And then I hear footsteps coming up from the basement and I abruptly head for the front door and jump in my car before there’s a chance for anyone to follow.

? ? ?

A bout of exhaustion hits me after driving around for twenty minutes, trying to shake off whatever the hell that was. It’s still early when I reach the driveway. Dad should be asleep. He doesn’t have work, so I’ll have to figure out a way to avoid him. Last night I’d fantasized that Jordyn and I would spend the day together talking and kissing, and when did I turn into such a girl?

Captain barks when I walk through the door. He’s probably starving. I shush him unsuccessfully as I pour a scoop of food into his bowl. Then I head down to my room to change into running clothes.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Dad groans from the couch and I practically jump out of my skin. He must’ve passed out there and Captain woke him with his barking.

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