I blink at Sheila, irritated by her calm demeanor, the surprised tone to her voice. “I am. It’s pretty undeniable, right?”
“No, it’s not. If you think of yourself as damaged, broken, whatever word you want to use, then guess what? That’s all anyone who knows you or meets you will see.”
I contemplate her words. As reluctant as I am to admit it, they make sense. “I guess I’ve always assumed the role of damaged girl,” I say.
“Not a surprise considering what you’ve been through. But don’t forget how offended you become whenever someone refers to you as a victim. You hate that word,” Sheila points out.
“I despise it,” I say in agreement.
“So you call yourself a survivor yet claim you’re damaged.”
“I think a survivor can still be damaged,” I admit. “Don’t you?” We all have things we need to overcome, some worse than others. It’s okay to be hurt, to be damaged and a little broken and still consider yourself strong. Not that I’d ever considered myself strong before, not until recently . . .
“I truly think a survivor wouldn’t want that word associated with her. Damaged implies permanence. Don’t you want to stand tall above what happened to you? Not let it define you?” Sheila cocks her head, watching me.
“He kissed me.”
“And you liked it.”
There’s no point in denying it. “I loved every minute of it.” Just thinking of his lips on mine makes me shiver. “I think I scared him by mentioning I wanted to talk to him about my past.”
“Do you think you moved too fast?”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “I don’t know how to maneuver in the dating world. This is my first attempt and honestly, I don’t want to deal with a bunch of crap.”
Dr. Harris raises a brow. “What crap are you referring to?”
“Game playing. Coyness. Putting on a front. It all feels like lies if I do that. I just want to be open. Honest. Real.”
“And you want the same from him.”
“Definitely.” I nod.
“Then tell him that. Maybe he is nervous. Maybe he really is busy. But you should be open and honest and real with him, just like you want him to be with you. You might be surprised by your results.”
“Pleasantly surprised?” Now it’s my turn to raise a brow.
“You deserve happiness, Katherine,” Sheila says, her voice soft. “Finding a nice man who cares for you, engaging yourself fully in a romantic relationship, learning how to be comfortable with your body, with your sexuality. Finding pleasure with a man. You deserve every bit of that.”
She lays it out on the line and normally I’d be embarrassed. In the past I didn’t even like to hear the word sex.
But now, I’m curious. It sounds ridiculous, but I want to find myself. I want to become a woman. A normal, regular woman who has sex and isn’t scared to say the word out loud.
“I want to have sex with Ethan,” I blurt, making Sheila smile. “But I’m scared.”
“That’s natural.” She nods.
“I like it when he touches me. When he looks at me, it’s like he’s trying to see beneath my clothes and it’s not in a gross way.” I sigh and shake my head. “I’m not making sense.”
“You’re making perfect sense,” Sheila reassures me.
“So what do I do? Sit by the phone and wait for him to text me? Make the next move? I don’t know how to do this.” I lean back against the chair, irritated with myself. Irritated with Ethan.
“You do what you feel most comfortable with. And if you don’t want to do anything at the moment, that’s okay, too.”
I nod, not willing to speak. I’m tired. Feeling drained. I haven’t slept much, too worried over what happened between Ethan and me, which is stupid. I’m sure he hasn’t lost a lick of sleep over me.
He’s probably already forgotten all about me.
“Do you have any regrets, Katherine?” Sheila asks after a few quiet minutes tick by.
“About what?” I ask warily.
“Going on a date with Ethan. Letting him kiss you. Inviting him to your home.” I’d told her all the details and she hadn’t so much as batted an eyelash. Now she was making me doubt my choices. “Are you thinking that maybe you shouldn’t have done that?”
“I’m glad I did it,” I say truthfully. “I can’t stay cooped up in my house forever, letting life pass me by.”
“Good answer.” Sheila sounds proud. “How about the interview? Still okay with your decision?”
“You heard about the movie,” I say, my voice flat.
Dr. Harris nods but otherwise doesn’t say a word.
“I don’t like the idea of another cheesy TV movie being made about my kidnapping, but I can’t stop it.” I sit up and shrug. “What’s done is done.”
“Your attitude is very healthy.” Sheila smiles. “Much healthier than it was only a few weeks ago. I think you’ve made progress.”
Hope lights within my chest. I need to hear this. Need to see that someone else believes in me, not just a family member who has to. I’d hoped Ethan could give me the same support, but I’d been wrong.