“What hematoma?” Tilly asked. We spent the next five minutes explaining Mattie’s condition, taking her hat off and showing our moms her injury.
“You should try to feed her at least every two to three hours, and if she’d too tired to eat, make sure you’re pumping. Ring the bell if you have any questions.” Fran said goodbye to everyone and just as she left, another nurse entered and informed us it was time to change rooms. There was a flurry of activity, but I kept my eyes on Mattie and my arms wrapped around her. They didn’t allow me to hold her as we moved rooms, but they did allow Porter to wheel her in a bassinette.
Our parents decided to leave us, all needing sleep just as much as we did. We said our goodbyes and the nurse got us situated in our new room—and, yes, the bed was much more comfortable. I was given a ton of instructions from the nurse, all of which were overwhelming, and she could tell I was exhausted. She left us, claiming she’d return soon to check on us.
Suddenly, it’s just Porter, Mattie, and me. The three of us. Alone. I looked at him and it occurred to me that he had yet to hold his baby. I was instantly ashamed that I hogged her, that I let everyone else hold her first.
“Porter, you haven’t held her yet,” I said, urging him to come to us. “I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you say something?” He shrugged.
“Watching you with her has been the most wonderful experience I’ve ever had. I didn’t want to take her from you,” he said, simply. My heart liquefied at his words. It was typical Porter to put me and my needs before his own.
“Come over here,” I whispered, scooting over on the bed so there was enough room for him to sit next to me. Once he was so close to me I could feel the heat radiating from him, I passed Mattie over, gently laying her in the crook of his elbow. He didn’t falter, didn’t seem nervous at all. He took her and he held her firmly, without hesitation. He was a natural. Her tiny, perfect head fit snuggly against the strong muscle of his bicep, and her pristine, creamy and pink face looked flawless against his tanned skin.
“She’s so beautiful,” he whispered, his eyes not blinking, using every moment to just look at her. I leaned my head up against his arm, listening to him breathe, watching him caress the feather-soft tuft of hair at the nape of her neck. “She’s perfect, you know,” he said quietly, looking into my eyes. “You made a perfect little girl.”
“We made a perfect little girl.”
He kissed my forehead. “You did most of the work.”
“Well, that I won’t argue with you about.” I sighed and leaned my head against him again, exhaustion taking me over.
“I was really scared there for a little while.” His voice was still quiet, but now it was hesitant and almost weak. I looked up at him, wondering what in the world could ever possibly make my husband sound so broken.
“What do you mean?”
“For a while there I was afraid you and the baby weren’t going to make it through that delivery. You were so brave and so determined, but she just wasn’t coming out. You were bleeding so much and trying so hard . . .” His voice trailed off and I watched him take a few shuddering breaths, his fingers never leaving the baby’s fine hair peeking out of her hat. “I refused to let myself think what would happen to me if I lost you, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared today.” He turned his face to look at me, eyes wet but not spilling over with tears. “I don’t ever want to find out what life is like without you. I need you, Ella. We need you.”
I thought about his words and tried to imagine what the birth must have looked like from his point of view. I imagine I would have been nervous and scared had I witnessed that too.
“What’s funny,” I began, hoping my insight might make him feel a little better, “is that I wasn’t ever once concerned about myself or the baby.” I leaned back against his arm and looked down at Mattie, still comfortably sleeping in her father’s arms. “I just kept thinking that I only had one job and that was to get her out. I was going to push and push and push until she was here. But when the doctor said it was now or never, I just knew it was up to me.” I shrugged a little, my eyes drifting closed. “I just did what I had to do to protect her,” I said, sleepily.
We sat there in silence for a few moments and I could feel myself drifting away. I was nearly asleep when I had a thought of panic and I sat up, looking around for the baby. I breathed a quick sigh of relief to see Porter still awake and looking down on her.
“I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with her in the bed. Maybe you could take her to the rocking chair? Or put her in the bassinette?”
“Sure. No problem,” he said, slowly standing up and moving to the chair.
“But, uh, Porter?”
“Yeah?” He said as his beautiful brown eyes found mine.
“Don’t fall asleep while you’re holding her. If you get tired just put her down, ok?”