My eyes darted to Porter, nodding, letting him know he could reveal our secret.
“We’ve decided to name her Matilda Rose,” he said softly, watching his mother closely. It was like watching an artist create a painting. First you saw both of our moms hear the name, then you could see the understanding cross their faces, and then the best part: The surprise, the joy.
“You named her after me?” Tilly asked, tears now coming quickly, flowing over cheeks big from smiling.
“Well, actually, we named her after both of you,” I said looking between Tilly and my mother. My mom’s eyes were just as wet as Tilly’s.
“Matilda for you, Mom,” Porter said, holding back tears I could hear in his voice.
“And Rose, for your middle name, Mom,” I said. “We really hope that Mattie here,” I said looking down at my daughter, “takes after all the strong and important women in her life.”
I watched for a few minutes as the two moms passed their granddaughter back and forth, cooing at her, touching her, loving on her. I was still baffled and completely in awe of everything happening right in front of me. Was this how my mom felt about me when I was born? I can’t imagine it’s possible that my mom loves me as much as I love Mattie. But when my mom’s eyes fluttered from my daughter up to me, I saw it; I saw her love for me. It’s always been there, but now it was different. I saw my mother differently, Tilly too. How lucky was Porter to have such an incredible mother? It was easy to take a mother’s love for granted, until you were one.
A nurse came in and smiled at the obvious and copious amounts of love in the room.
“Hi, I’m Fran. How are you feeling?” She asked me.
“Pretty good, just a little sore from sitting in this bed.” I squirmed, trying to alleviate some of the discomfort.
“You’ll be moved to the Mommy and Baby wing in about an hour and the beds there are much better. Would you like to try and nurse?”
“That’s my cue to leave,” Dad joked. He stopped by my bed and kissed my forehead. “Good job, Princess. She’s perfect.” He shook Porter’s hand again and then made his exit, going to sit in the waiting room until my mom was ready to leave. I looked up at Tilly and my mom.
“Will you guys stay?” Honestly, I was a little nervous to try and feed Mattie for the first time and could have used all the help I could get. Both of them agreed with smiles; I don’t think wild horses could have dragged them from the room. Tilly handed Mattie back to me and the nurse helped me adjust her and myself to try to get her to latch on. At first, it was awkward and a little embarrassing. Mattie seemed more interested in sleeping than eating so I was just rubbing my nipple on her face, trying to tempt her, and it seemed a little strange.
The nurse was very helpful and kept talking so that even though I felt awkward, She made it seem like the most natural thing and I guess, of course, it was.
“Let’s unwrap her and see if some cold air won’t wake her up.” She laid Mattie out on the bed and unwrapped the blanket from her. I felt my heart flutter as I watched her curl up, trying to escape the cold air, her little legs bending up towards her chest, her tiny butt perfectly round and cute. I fell in love with her a little more just then. Her eyes didn’t open, but she moved around, so the nurse brought her back and did all the dirty work, manipulating my breast for me, getting Mattie to open up her mouth.
Again, I felt uncomfortable as this strange woman’s hands gripped my breast, but I tried to go with the flow, tried to pretend like this isn’t the most unusual position I’ve ever been in. But suddenly, all my concerns about modesty and shyness floated away and dissipated when I felt Mattie’s mouth latch on to me. I looked down and saw her perfect mouth wrapped around me and I couldn’t help the tears that formed in my eyes. She suckled and made the tiniest whimpering noises I’ve ever heard.
“Oh my God,” I whispered. I felt Porter press a kiss against my temple, but I didn’t dare look up at him. I couldn’t. I stared at Mattie for as long as I could. I don’t think I could ever tear my eyes away from her, from this. I’m connected to her like I’ve never been connected to anyone.
Eventually Mattie fell asleep and no longer fed, but just slept with me in her mouth.
“She’s asleep,” I said quietly to the nurse who was making polite conversation with our moms while I nursed Mattie, all of them laughing and smiling as if the most miraculous thing in the world wasn’t happening in my arms.
“Newborns are so lazy,” she said with a smile. “You might find her to be more lethargic in the next couple of days due to the hematoma, so you’ll need to try extra hard to get her to latch on. If I’m not here to help, there’s always a lactation specialist on the floor, so don’t hesitate to ask for help.”