“I’ll take three of these,” I say as I point the package with three thousand tokens.
“Harrison,” Katelyn sets her hand on my back when she steps forward. “That’s too much.” I look at her and then at the three sets of eyes peering up at me. They all smile at the same time, each of them missing teeth. It’ll never been too much.
I look at Katelyn and hand the cashier my card without breaking eye contact. “It’s worth seeing them smile.”
Her face lights up. She closes her eyes and shakes her head. Her hands cover her eyes briefly before looking back at me. “Thank you,” she whispers.
It’s in that moment that I know I’ll do whatever I can to make this family smile, because it’s so going to be worth it.
I pull my comforter up to my chin and roll over, facing Mason’s side of the bed. The alarm is going to go off in about thirty minutes, but I’ve been awake for over an hour, tossing and turning, trying desperately to find some way to shut my mind off. Every time I close my eyes, yesterday morning replays in slow motion, all scenes that I’m having a hard time forgetting.
Yesterday marks the first time I’ve seen a man naked, aside from Mason, and I couldn’t look away. I didn’t even try. I think I knew deep down he was in there. Subconsciously, my mind heard the water running and shut off when my hand reached for the doorknob and opened it. I don’t know if I was meant to find him like that, but I certainly wasn’t going to leave, not this time.
The night of the show, the song, those words; they tore through me. I was so jealous of Josie while I sat there listening to Liam sing words that I was sure were meant for her. I wanted them, even though I don’t deserve them. The only thing I deserve is to see Harrison on the arm of some bimbo groupie because I can’t make up my mind. I’m so hot and cold with him, yet he sticks around, patiently waiting for me.
I told Harrison I’m going to try, and I am. Each day that I wake up will be a new day with a new adventure. I’m not trying to forget Mason or replace him, but make room in my life for something different, someone different. Dr. Brooks told me that it’s okay to date, and that’s what I’m going to do, not that I know a thing about dating.
Yet, I have fear in my heart. I don’t want the girls to get attached. They already like Harrison and expect him to be around because he lives in Beaumont and is in the band, but what if we stay together for a while only to break up, what then? I know I’m getting ahead of myself. He may not want me after a month or two and I’ll be back to square one.
Today will be an obstacle and one I haven’t really considered or thought would be necessary, but it is. I need to tell Mr. Powell my decision to start dating. I don’t know how he’s going to take it, with it only being a year after Mason’s death, and for him that might not be enough time. I’m not sure if it is for me, but I need to take a chance that these feelings I have for Harrison are real and not just because he shows me attention. He’s bringing out sensations that I didn’t know existed.
I close my eyes in a last-ditch effort to get some sleep. Harrison’s there right before my eyes. His body is dripping with water. The droplets pebble and roll down his torso. My mouth falls open as I take in almost everything I’ve been wondering about. Quinn is etched across his heart. There are others, but this one stands out because I know how much he means to Harrison. I don’t know where to put my eyes. If I look down, I see him, more than I ever thought I would, but looking at his chest isn’t much of a difference. The silver ring hanging from his nipple sends a shiver down my spine. I’ve never seen one up close. I clench my fist to keep myself from reaching out and touching it.
Everything is moving in slow motion. My body temperature is rising steadily. I know I should leave, but I can’t. Even if I wanted to, my body is being a traitor. I’m cemented to the floor. I feel antsy, excited. I need to do something, anything. He looks at me, his eyes hooded. He knows I’m staring, taking him all in.