“You make it sound so easy.”
Liam laughs. “I’m not telling you to jump into bed with someone. I’m just suggesting that you start looking around and think about becoming friends with a few new people. You’re the one who told me Harrison isn’t your type.”
I cover my face with my hands while he laughs beside me. What is wrong with me? I’m married, even if my husband isn’t around. I can’t just start over with another man. Life isn’t supposed to work that way.
“Just so you know, Harrison hasn’t had a real girlfriend since Quinn was born. He’s just as shy as you are.”
Liam stands and I watch as he scoops Josie up and sits her down on his lap. They are disgustingly happy and it makes me sick because I used to be like that and everything in me is telling me I can be like that again. I just don’t know how, or if I can ever bring myself to enjoy the company of another man again. I’m not sure I’d ever get passed feeling like I’m betraying Mason.
I look over at my girls and smile. I have them. I don’t need a man to make me feel complete as a woman. I stand and go over to them. Elle smiles at me and Peyton stares at me, knowing that I’m about to call it a night for them.
“Come on, girls. It’s late and we need sleep.” Peyton huffs and rolls her eyes. I don’t want to be difficult with her, but she’s pushing the limits with her attitude.
“You too, Noah,” Liam says. He obeys, putting the controller from his video game down. Quinn follows, stopping to give his dad a hug and kiss. It’s not something I see from boys, but Quinn does it. Josie follows me to the rooms. She goes one way with the boys and I go the other with the girls.
I tuck them in once they’re changed. Our bedtime routine has changed with us being on the road. It’s just an adventure, I remind myself. When we get home, everything will be somewhat normal again. I kiss both girls and tell them that I love them. Elle returns the sentiment, but Peyton just rolls over and faces the wall.
“I love you, Peyton,” I say again.
“Okay.”
I lay down with her and pull her to my chest. My hand rests next to her face. Her pillow is wet. I can’t help her. I can’t make her pain go away.
“I’m so sorry, my sweet baby,” I whisper in her ear and hold her tighter. It doesn’t take long for her to drift off to sleep. Her light snores echo in the confined space. I kiss her softly on her cheek and do the same for Elle.
With a deep breath, I leave their room and pray that the demons stay away from Peyton for just one night.
I've never wanted to be a fly on the wall until tonight while watching Liam talk to Katelyn. I wanted to know what he was saying. I tried not to lean forward and listen, but I caught myself doing just that a few times. When Josie sat down and started talking about inconsequential things, I wanted to kindly ask her to be quiet so I could maybe hear what Liam was saying.
But I didn’t.
The bus is quiet. I hate quiet. I need noise to feel at ease. Everyone’s gone to bed except for me and JD, although being asleep in the chair is close enough. I pull out my phone and push the button for GPS. We are a still a few hours away from our hotel, but there’s not enough time for it to matter if I sleep now or later. The plan is to take an early morning nap at the hotel before we hit the theme parks in the afternoon.
I’m excited about going to Disney, mostly because I’m looking for any excuse I can get to be close to Katelyn. I know she’s struggling with Peyton. I’ve racked my brain trying to think of ways I can help, but short of finding a spell to raise the dead, I’m no use. Not that I’d actually do that. I thought that Quinn might be the answer, but he’s never known his mom, so it’s hard to say he’s been there.
A door shuts quietly behind me. I turn and see Katelyn coming down the aisle. She’s dressed in an oversize t-shirt and for my sake I hope she has shorts on underneath, because all I can see are her legs and they are very bare. I have to bite the inside of my cheek in order to keep my mouth closed.
I wish I knew how to talk to her in a way to get her to open up. Since moving to Beaumont, I haven’t given another woman a second glance. With Katelyn, I’m not only giving her a second one, but a third, fourth and fifth whenever she’s in the room. I could live a day without water if I was granted the permission to just stare at her.