Last night I lay in bed and cried. I let my tears soak Liam’s pillow as I hugged it to my chest. Every thought I had ended up the same… my husband is gone. It’s not the first time he’s gone on tour. He’s been to New York to see their somewhat manager, Gary. Each time I’ve been okay with his trips, until now. There’s something about Los Angeles that scares me. I can’t put my finger on it, aside from the fact that it’s the place that ended us. If his grandmother hadn’t lived there, he would’ve never gone. Liam could’ve easily played music while living in Texas for college or… no, there isn’t an “or” because LA was his calling and he probably would’ve ended up there with or without his grandma.
The house feels empty even though everything is still in its place. Everywhere I look, I see Liam. I just can’t sense him. I flick the light illuminating our closet. Most of his clothes are gone, which is hard for me to fathom. If this trip is supposed to be short, why did he need to take everything? Wouldn’t he just pack a few things, enough to get him by? His missing wardrobe feels like there’s finality in this situation, that we’re over, but he couldn’t tell me. I know better than to think like that.
I pick up a few of his things that are scattered on the floor and put them in the hamper before making my way into the bathroom. Every woman dreams of having a master suite with a large walk in closet and a bathroom big enough so that two people can share without feeling cramped. At one point, this was my dream. When I was younger, I knew what football players were making and how lavishly they lived. I selfishly wanted that. I wanted our house to be featured on television and written about in the press. It was my dream to live like Cinderella after I married my prince. And now that I have it, I’d give it all up just to have Liam walk through the door with a shit-eating grin on his face, announcing he’s home.
It’s not going to happen. That’s what I tell myself as I look at my reflection in the mirror. The lack of sleep is evident by the puffy bags under my eyes. Coupled with my blood-shot-red-rimmed eyes, it looks like I’ve been on an all-night bender. He hasn’t even been gone twenty-four hours and I already look like death. I’m not sure I have enough concealer or eye drops to hide the fact that I’m a wreck.
“The girls will look the same,” I mutter to the mirror that sadly doesn’t answer. It’s ridiculous that I hope Katelyn and Jenna had the same shitty night I did.
After a long, hot shower, doing my hair and attempting to conceal the bags under my eyes, I’m stepping into a baby blue sundress. Today is my baby shower, or rather a shower for the baby boy we’re about to adopt. I told the girls that I didn’t need one, but they insisted.
As I smooth down the front of my dress, my hand rests over my stomach. The absence of a baby there while having a baby shower is not lost on me. I’m over the moon that we’re able to adopt... that Aubrey was kind of enough to think of us... but having our own child is something I wanted Liam to experience with me. Now he’s not even experiencing this moment and I find myself wondering if I were as pregnant as Meredith is now, would he have left… again? I try not to compare the first time to now. Had Liam known, he would’ve stayed.
When I get downstairs, Noah is sitting at the table with his hands folded. He looks up and smiles, reminding me of a young Liam, and dressed in his Sunday best. I can’t get over how much he resembles his father and as long as he doesn’t act like him, I’ll be okay. I know what Liam was like in high school because I was on the receiving end. I shudder at the thought of Noah taking girls to the dugouts, or having sex in this car. I have promised myself, though, that I’ll be accepting of any girl he brings home. I’ll never make her feel unwanted, whether I like her or not. No one should have to go through what I did.
“Are you ready?”
He rolls his eyes and stands reluctantly.
“Quinn will be there.”
Noah shrugs. I know he and Quinn don’t always get along. Noah loves his sports while Quinn is more artistic. They both enjoy music and video games, but Noah is more drawn to Peyton and I think it’s because he’s known her longer and they share a bond over Mason. I also think that Noah resents Quinn a little because he’s grown up with Liam, something Noah didn’t have a chance to do.
The drive over to Katelyn’s is quiet. Noah stares out the window, only turning his head more when he sees some of his friends at the park.
“You can go later if you want,” I tell him as we drive past.