Every instant his mouth met hers, he yearned to lift her dress so that he could thrust himself deep inside her. He wished to hear her cry out in response to him and for her to clench around him as he came inside her.
It wasn’t that he’d not been with women since the death of his wife. He found release with many, but it had been different. He’d not given them promises like his brother, not deflowered virgins or bought whores. He found women much like himself who lost loves and didn’t want another. They each sought the same as him, a night of companionship to shut out the loneliness that encompassed their lives.
There should’ve been no reason for him to refrain from lying with her if she allowed it. He told her the truth, just as he had to all the other women, but to then claim her would have been to put her aside with all the rest. He couldn’t bring himself to do that.
He lied to everyone about the true nature of his wife’s death, but when he uttered the lie to Mitsy, his stomach grew ill. She was different. She deserved better, someone who could give her every piece of his soul, not someone who lied to protect himself from speaking of a painful memory.
As much as he wished he could be that person, he didn’t have enough left in him to give. He knew once they got to Conall Castle, whether she decided to stay in this time or return to her own, he would lose her, and he wished to kiss her just once more.
Once Artair stopped, Baodan dismounted quickly, turning to help her down before taking off into the trees. He heard her call out to him, but he didn’t turn around until she caught up to him and reached out to grab his hand.
“Hey, what’s wrong with you? Where are you going so fast?”
He spun and pushed her hard against the trunk of the nearest tree, crushing himself against her. To be near her frightened him more than anything in the world. After this kiss, he wouldn’t allow himself to be so scared ever again.
Her lips were soft, warm, and sweet; everything that he was not. Abruptly she pulled away, and he forced himself to close off the dream of her.
He stepped back and looked down. There were words written in her eyes, something she wished to say but hesitated to do so.
He squeezed her hand to encourage her. “What is it, lass? I like the way ye say all the things that enter yer mind. Doona stop now.”
“That isn’t the kiss of someone who doesn’t care. Believe me, I’ve had them. Men who don’t care don’t kiss someone like that.”
She let go and started walking back to Artair. It would be too cruel to allow her to hope. “Mitsy, lass, ye are wrong. ’Twas no the kiss of a caring man. ’Twas the kiss of a man who’s been too long without a woman.”
His throat burned at the lie that even he couldn’t believe. She faced him, her expression giving nothing away. As always, she didn’t mince her words.
“Then don’t ever kiss me again because if you mean it, I deserve far better than you.”
It hurt him to his very soul just how right she was.
Chapter 19
What a moron. I truly didn’t think that he even believed himself what he said. Even so, any man should know better than to say something like that out loud to a woman, even if he thought it. It was like saying that he used me, but his actions had shown otherwise.
His words didn’t hurt my feelings, they just pissed me off. I just couldn’t understand his mindset. It was terrible that he’d been hurt, but if he thought no one else had ever had love bite them in the ass, he was delusional.
Maybe I was just a serial optimist. All of the modern conveniences that I had the pleasure of using throughout my life aside, I knew I had a harder life than him. He was a Scottish laird who grew up in a castle, for goodness sake. He had a mother and father who loved him. He’d never been poor.
I was an orphan who spent my childhood without family and with only one close friend. I’d not been born into a family filled with love, and I’d be paying off student loan debt for the rest of my life. I’d been burnt by love more than a few times myself, but never for a moment had I thought about just shutting myself off from all feelings or emotions.
His cowardice disappointed me, but I refused to let him put a damper on my day. I hadn’t seen Bri in over a year. I couldn’t wait to squeeze her neck and catch up.
The rest of the ride remained silent and awkward after the incident in the woods, but thankfully we were close to Conall Castle. As we approached the castle’s stables, there seemed to be few people about. I worried for a moment that perhaps they wouldn’t be home.
Baodan approached the stables and called out to who I assumed was the stable master. “Kip? Are ye in there?”
Inside the stalls, I knew the voice who answered us, and it wasn’t the Kip that Baodan called out to. I recognized it instantly as that of Bri’s look-a-like, Blaire.
“Is that ye, Baodan? What are ye doing…” she paused as she popped her head up out of the last stall and looked at me.