“You heard what I said. Eoghanan showed me nothing but kindness. Niall did it, the disgusting creep.” Baodan looked as if I’d slapped him. “What’s wrong?”
He quieted for a moment, then shook his head somberly while he spoke. “I’m ashamed of meself, lass, for assuming it was Eoghanan. He is many things, but he is no a man who would try to force himself on a lass.”
“And Niall is?”
“I have never known him to use force, but he doesna treat women the way they deserve. While I am no too pleased with Eoghanan either, I feel me assumption to be a betrayal of the man I know he is.” He lay down once more and held the longest part of his kilt out for me again. “Come back here. I am in awe of ye.”
“You’re in awe?” It hardly seemed an appropriate emotion for the current situation. “Why?”
“Aye, I am. I have never heard of a woman denying him. ’Tis why he tried to force himself I’m sure, and ye dinna only deny him, ye gave him no less than he deserved. I am proud of ye.”
“Well…thanks.” I could scarcely stay mad at him for laughing when he’d clearly meant all that he said to be a compliment.
I’d yet to join him back under his kilt, and he waved the edge around like a cape. It looked ridiculous. “Am I forgiven? If so, come and join me here again.”
“For laughing? Aye.” I smiled as he shook his head at my attempt to mimic his accent and moved to snuggle in close to him again. My cheek pressed against his bare chest and his chin rested on the top of my head. “What did Eoghanan do to you? What were you two talking about the day I arrived here?”
He didn’t move away from me, but his chest gave as he let out a large breath. “’Tis no a happy story.”
I reached up to trail my fingertips down his arm in the hopes that it would soothe him. I didn’t wish to anger him, I only wanted to know more about the history between them. “I don’t always need stories to be happy. I have quite a few unhappy ones of my own.”
“I was married once, lass.”
“Once?” So this was the “her” they spoke of.
“Aye and ’tis a long story, lass, and I find meself suddenly sleepy. Perhaps I may tell ye another time.”
His heart beat even more quickly than mine and, despite the sadness in his voice at the memory of whatever he hesitated to tell me, the sexual tension was so palpable, I knew he didn’t really think I would believe him sleepy. “You’re not about to fall asleep and you have all night to tell it, but you don’t have to if you’re not comfortable.”
He kissed the top of my head but held me close. As much for his own comfort as mine.
“It was no for verra long. Something forced me to leave her for a few days to assist a man from the village, and I left her in Eoghanan’s care while I was away. When I returned, I found her dead.”
“How?” The wind seemed suddenly even colder.
“A—a sickness.”
He tried to hide it but I saw how he hesitated. I didn’t know him well and, he was under no obligation to tell me, but I knew there was more to the story than he said. For while it went a ways to explaining Baodan’s feelings toward his brother, it still didn’t make much sense to me. If she really passed of a sickness, how was that Eoghanan’s fault? Chances were, Baodan would have been no more help to her than his brother.
“I’m sorry.” I felt the knot he swallowed and regretted asking the question.
I pulled away so that I could look at his eyes. They were cold and hard, different from how I’d ever seen them. This part of his past he spent every moment trying to bury within him.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated myself, and the words sounded silly and useless. What good were they to him now? But I didn’t know what else to say.
“Doona be. ’Twas many years ago. I only regret I wasna there to save her, for the guilt of that has turned me into someone verra hard.”
“Hard?” I found him anything but. I thought him kind, funny, and gentle.
“Aye. I doona feel like I once did. I doona allow meself to. I enjoy friendship. It causes me hurt when others are in pain, but I doona care about others the way a man should.”
“What does that mean? How should a man care about others? You were kind to me even though you thought me a lunatic when you found me. You offered Alec a place to stay and something to give him purpose. You didn’t have to do that. I think you care more than most. You’re a good man, Baodan.”
“Thank ye, but that is no what I mean. I am no capable of love anymore, of caring for someone enough to allow them to care for me in return. I am hardened irreparably. Only fools allow such hurt into their lives because, in the end, all love is a hurt.”
Not that I could prove him wrong from personal experience, but even I knew what he said to be total bullshit. I didn’t think he even really believed it himself but I didn’t want to argue with him, not when I initiated the conversation. He wouldn’t have told me any of what he thought unless I had asked him.
Instead, I said nothing, snuggling into the warmness of him as I let sleep take me.
*