‘Doggy style.’ He slammed the door and was gone.
I was determined not to let Ben’s mood swings upset me. I knew by tomorrow he wouldn’t even remember the argument but I had to decide how much more of this behavior I was prepared to take. I wasn’t as much hurt as angry. Yet at the same time I was worried. I’d meant what I said about him being insane. Ben had stuck beside me when even my family hadn’t, so now perhaps it was my turn to stand by him. But he kept pushing me away. I had known him since I was eleven years old. Could this really be the end? I didn’t want to believe that but at the same time I felt strong enough to move on if I was forced to.
That night I arrived at Ben’s apartment to find my clothes packed in boxes by the front door. I couldn’t be bothered arguing the point with him so I collected my belongings and left.
Over the next month I was an emotional mess—Ben hadn’t called and I refused to call him. I also had a lot of other things on my mind that were distressing me, including that my period was late. Mum was being so supportive, and by now she had learnt to love Ben, but when he treated me this way she reverted to her old feelings. This time was different. She didn’t say a bad thing about him, but did suggest I prepare to move on.
‘Mum, it may not be that easy. I think I’m pregnant. I want to find out once and for all, so I’m going to the doctor this afternoon, will you come?’
She didn’t say anything but sort of shrugged.
The doctor confirmed my suspicions. I was pregnant again, the only difference was this time no one was going to take the baby away from me. I just knew it was a girl and I was already proud and excited.
When I got home, I rang Ben. When I heard him answer the phone, I hung up and took Mum’s car to drive straight over there. He was shocked to see me, but he wasn’t smiling. After a lot of small talk I finally blurted: ‘Ben I’m pregnant.’
He turned ashen. ‘Is it mine?’
I wanted to slap him. I had to pause and count to ten in order to calm myself. ‘Of course it’s yours, and don’t ever think otherwise. Ben, I’m going to keep it.’
‘Annika, I don’t want any children, especially now. I know that I have been treating you badly lately but I haven’t been myself. You were right, I am insane. I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia. It may even be genetic. You and our child deserve better than me.
‘My mother refuses to accept the doctor’s diagnosis, so she is sending me up to Hong Kong to visit my Paw Paw [Ben’s maternal grandmother]—I leave in a month. She believes that I must be over stressed and a holiday will fix everything.’ I didn’t know which issue to tackle first. His illness or his leaving?
‘When were you going to tell me all this? Or were you just going to leave?’
He didn’t answer, he just stared into his lap.
‘Now that I am pregnant what are you going to do?’
‘I am no good for you anymore and I can’t go against my mother’s wishes.’
‘Oh, now you decide to be the good son. Ben, you will always be her son but soon you’ll be a father. It’s time you take some responsibility.’
‘I’m sorry, Annika, if you want this baby that’s your decision, but I will be no help. I’ve got my own big issues that I need to deal with.’
I ran out of the room crying.
For the next month I wrote him a letter a day but received no response. I even saw him but he refused to speak to me. Mum tried to get through to him to no avail.
I never did see him again, but love like ours doesn’t die quickly. Particularly when you are carrying his child.
23
Surviving for Two
Mum was not happy that I was pregnant and, for the duration of the pregnancy, pointed out that she would refuse to look after the baby when it finally came. Every day became another lecture on responsibility, which I found slightly ironic considering that I was paying the rent and utilities for our house.
One day when I got home there was a letter waiting for me from my father. I was sorry I even opened it, the harsh words inside were not at all what I needed to hear that day.
Annika,
Please consider all your alternatives before deciding to keep this child. To date, you have proved to be irresponsible and immature in your decision making. You are rarely truthful and to top it all off, are now obviously unable to sustain a loving relationship.
Your uncle has been trying to have a child for five years, I’m sure that your uncle would consider adopting the baby as a personal favour to me.