Between my eighteenth birthday and Christmas, Ben became increasingly distant. I was concerned he was on drugs—he was in his own world sometimes. Once I even overheard him talking to himself. He was constantly forgetting appointments, then insisting I had never told him of the date and time. One day in late November I came home from grocery shopping to find him still in bed at eleven am.
‘Hey sleeping beauty, time to get up, it’s the middle of a cloud-free warm day.’
He frightened me with how quickly he jumped up, then he stared at me for the longest time, like he was awake but the brain was taking its time to catch-up.
‘Did you drug me or something? You’re trying to poison me aren’t you? I’m not good enough any more now that you’re a radio personality? Well, this is my house, you can leave any time. You don’t have to kill me.’
‘I don’t want to leave, and I definitely don’t want you dead. You’re my rock. What’s the matter with you?’
‘Nothing, I’m perfectly healthy.’ Then he ran out the door without a shirt. He returned much later but refused to talk about his outburst and accusation that I was plotting to kill him.
Come December, Ben was almost a stranger to me. All he did all day was read, swim and run. I asked him why he hadn’t been going to work lately and he told me he had resigned.
‘Ben, are you not happy with me anymore?’
‘No, I guess I’m not, you should move out.’
I was stunned. He had delivered those words like he was ordering a Coke. I had a feeling that to ask why would be a waste of time. I just wanted to get out of there, so I did.
I had not seen or spoken to Ben for two weeks, when I literally ran into him in the mall. He was not looking where he was going and I was in a conversation with Mum, so I didn’t see him. I wasn’t quite sure what to say, but he was smiling at me and it was contagious.
‘Where have you been, Annika? I’ve really missed you.’
‘Where have I been? You told me to leave, and that you didn’t want me anymore!’
‘No, I didn’t, and even if I did I would never mean that, I love you and always have. When are you going to come home? Please come home tonight, I’ll cook then we’ll snuggle.’ He had genuinely forgotten our argument.
I loved and missed him too, so I went home that evening.
I got to Ben’s apartment at four pm and by seven we were eating. At seven twenty there was a knock on the door, and I answered only to be greeted by the wine-toting nymph neighbour from upstairs, Michelle. Neither Michelle nor I said a thing, but Ben finally said, ‘Come in, this is a nice surprise, have a seat. Do you want to join us for dinner?’
Ben thought he was playing it straight, but I wasn’t going to let him insult my intelligence and took my anger out on Michelle.
‘Michelle, take your wine and dirty mind and fuck off! Did you think I wasn’t going to be here tonight? I wonder when I’m working if you don’t pop down to borrow some milk. If I ever catch you sniffing around again I will do some serious damage to you.’
She couldn’t understand why Ben would invite her to join him then not warn her the plans had changed. The answer is that Ben sincerely had forgotten that he’d invited her, but didn’t see anything wrong in letting her dine with us.
For some reason, Ben decided not to go home for Christmas and New Year’s Eve so we spent the time together on the Gold Coast. We stayed in a luxury hotel because the radio station was broadcasting from our hotel, and all employees had been given a room. We did virtually nothing but relax all Christmas. I was surprised at how happy Ben was, usually he would have been out playing golf or wind surfing. Sitting in the sun would usually have bored him within an hour.
Norm and some of my work friends were coming down for New Year’s Eve. It was going to be a huge night. When my friends and work associates arrived on the morning of the thirty-first, I left Ben by the pool to go and collect my Christmas kisses and see if I could be of any help with the set up. When I returned to the pool to collect Ben for a seafood smorgasbord lunch the hotel had organised for Gala employees, he was no longer there. I told my friends to save me two seats and assured them that I would be right back.
I finally found Ben in the room, packing to leave.
‘Where are you going and why are you going?’ I said. I was truly sick of his mood swings, paranoia and forgetfulness.
‘I’m leaving. If you want to fuck that French guy that’s fine but I’m not going to stick around and watch it. I hear things, Annika, people tell me what’s going on, so don’t deny it.’
‘You’re insane, you need psychological help. I am not sleeping with anyone else, when would I get the time? When I’m not beside you I’m working. I should be the one accusing you, not the other way around. Let’s talk about Michelle, does she prefer it missionary style or on top?’