"You're right," he says, his voice flat.
"She's my kid," I say. I don’t try to offer another explanation, put into words how I’m feeling this morning in the wake of what happened between us last night. I’m feeling panicked and skittish and not at all like myself.
His jaw clenches, and he looks at me, his expression hard. "No problem," he says. "I should get going anyway."
He calls Lucy, who pads over to Olivia's high chair, licking her toes, and Olivia giggles with delight.
"Luke, I -- " I start, but don't know what the hell to say. I could say a thousand things that would make this situation better – I could explain that I didn't plan to wind up dealing with a morning-after breakfast with anyone anytime soon. And that I have no idea what the hell I'm doing.
Instead, my mouth goes dry and I stand there stupidly, tongue-tied, saying nothing. For once, words completely fail me.
"No worries," he says, avoiding eye contact with me. He starts down the hall, calling Lucy, who trails after him.
"Luke, you don't have to go," I say weakly, as I unbuckle Olivia from her high chair. "I didn't mean anything -- "
"It's all right," he says, giving me a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "We're still friends, right?"
He gives Olivia a little wave before he walks out the front door. And I let him go. I let him drive away, even though I could easily have asked him to stay, apologized for being an idiot.
But instead, I stand there, with Olivia in my arms, telling myself that I'm in the right.
Even after I walk back into the kitchen and look at the breakfast he cooked for us – that he cooked for me while watched Olivia and let me sleep in, because he was trying to be nice.
Damn it. Why can't I let someone just be nice?
***
"It's nothing," I say, trying to sound casual but my voice betrays me.
"Obviously," June says. We're sitting on the back porch at her house, watching the kids play in the sandbox. It's not our regular play date day. It's the emergency Saturday morning play date I called an hour ago.
"I mean, it just happened," I say. "It was stupid. Irresponsible. I shouldn't have brought him over. It's one of those things that you're not supposed to do, right? Isn't there some kind of rule about that, a recommendation from experts or something?"
June laughs. "Rule about what? Having a little bit of fun for a change?"
"A rule about bringing a man home when you're a mother," I say. "About not bringing some random stranger and exposing your kids to a creep or something."
June purses her lips and frowns. "Oh, so now you're saying Luke is a creep?"
"No, he's not," I say adamantly. "He's not."
"So what's the problem?"
"I hooked up with a guy -- on my kitchen floor," I hiss, keeping my voice low, out of earshot of the kids. "I'm a terrible parent."
"She was asleep," June says, waving her hand dismissively. "You think Cade and I haven't gotten it on in the kitchen when the kids are asleep?"
"It's different," I say. "You're..."
"Please don't say married," she says. "You've not been on a single date since you've moved here. That's two years, Autumn. I think that's a long enough mourning period."
"I'm not in mourning!"
"Well, then stop acting like you are," she says. "You're not a nun. You didn't take a vow of celibacy just because you became a mom."
"You think it's totally fine?"
"I think you're doing a great job making it not fine," she says, sipping a glass of water.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It was good, right?"
I exhale heavily, heat rising to my face at the thought of it. It was more than good. It was...mind-blowing. Fantastic. The best sex I've ever had.
"Yeah," she says, laughing. "Exactly. It's written all over your face."
"I don't know him, June."
She looks at me for a long time. "How long were you married to Edward?" she asks, not waiting for an answer. "Seems to me like you didn't really know him either."
We sit in silence, listening to the kids playing, until I finally speak. “Damn it, June,” I say. “Why do you have to be so…reasonable?”
The sound of male laughter interrupts us, and I turn to see June's husband Cade standing behind us, holding Callie. “Reasonable?” he asks, grinning. “Really?”
“You shut your mouth, Cade,” she says, reaching for the baby. “I’m totally reasonable.”
“I’d be afraid of whatever advice you’re getting from June here.”
“How long have you been eavesdropping?” I ask.
Cade puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Not even a little bit,” he says. “Whatever you two had to talk about that was so important this morning is not at all my business.”
“That’s a smart man,” June says, smiling. “I’ve trained him well.”
Cade kisses the top of her head. “I have to go in to the shop for a little while,” he says. “Can you handle the two heathen children?”
“I think I’ll manage,” June says.