Chapter Twenty-One
Time
“Elizabeth, you need to get ahold of yourself. You’re like a walking zombie and you are constantly getting sick. This isn’t healthy.” Maya counseled me from across the table at the coffee shop. Her face was full of concern, but I couldn’t bring myself to focus on that.
“I’m fine,” I replied even though I knew I wasn’t. I was wrecked. Grant broke me. There was no other way to describe it. I lay shattered in pieces on the floor back at his apartment and there was no putting me back together. When you’re missing a piece of your soul, it’s hard to go on as anything other than a shell of the person you used to be. Grant made sure I would never have that piece back, so I was existing. Nothing more, nothing less.
This was precisely why I never got involved in a relationship before. It was far easier to go through life by yourself and not have to worry about having a broken heart. I didn’t have to worry about hurting myself or lying to myself. Once you added another person into the equation, it was a crap shoot.
I built Grant up and put him on a pedestal. I was foolish enough to believe that he could love me. I knew he was damaged. Travis even warned me it was how he was conditioned. Yet I still wanted to break his walls down and show him that he was worthy of love. Instead, I learned that none of it was worth it in the end.
It’s funny how you only see what people want to show you. Until that night, I never saw the nasty and repulsive side of Grant. The side that could lash out at someone he supposedly loved and say the most harmful and despicable things. He was more like his family than either of us wanted to believe.
At least with physical attacks, the evidence fades over time. Verbal attacks, like the ones he dealt me, would never fade. Even when I thought they had, they crept back into my conscience when I least expected it. That I wasn’t prepared for.
“Bullshit you’re fine! Stop lying to me! It’s been three weeks and you’re getting worse. When was the last time you ate something?”
“This morning,” I snapped defiantly.
“What was it?” She looked like she didn’t believe me. I felt like I was arguing with my mother. It was ridiculous.
I sighed and pushed my coffee away from me. My stomach couldn’t handle the hot liquid today. For the most part, coffee was the only thing that kept me going. I tried exhausting myself and passing out as a way to forget the pain. Unfortunately, it didn’t work. When I finally did fall asleep, I had horrible nightmares about that night. Now I loaded myself with caffeine in an attempt to stay awake. At least my memories weren’t as disturbing as my dreams.
“Crackers,” I answered. I omitted the part that crackers were all I could seem to keep down the last couple weeks.
I opened my mouth to tell her not to worry about me, but my stomach revolted, and I shot out of my seat to race to the bathroom and throw up.
Maya joined me in the small bathroom with a plastic bag in her hand. She held it out for me to take.
“What’s this?” I eyed the bag suspiciously.
“It’s a pregnancy test. I’ve been waiting for you to come to this conclusion yourself. I’m done waiting.”
“I’m not pregnant!” I cried out. “We used protection every time. It’s impossible. I can’t be pregnant.”
“Protection isn’t always effective. There are tons of births each year for that sole reason. Go piss on the damn stick, E. I’ll make you if I have to.” She gave me a scathing look filled with impatience.
“Fine.” I snatched the bag from her hand and went into the stall. “I’ll prove you wrong.”
As I read the directions and peed on the stick, I started getting nervous. It had been at least a month since I got my period. I had just assumed that it was because of all the stress I was under. Lack of sleep and food could do that to a girl’s cycle.
I flushed the toilet and walked into the open area, setting the test stick on the sink.
“Shit, E. It’s already got two pink lines. You’re f*cking pregnant,” Maya exclaimed, and that’s when I passed out.
?????
I groaned and held my head as I started to wake.
“What the hell happened?” I asked to what I assumed was no one.
“You passed out. I called Travis and had him help me bring you back to your apartment.” Maya spoke and filled in the gaps of my memory.
I bolted upright and groaned again as my head spun and my stomach wretched.
“He isn’t still here is he? He can’t know, Maya. He’ll tell Grant.”
“No. He left. I hope he does tell him. That bastard deserves to know what he’s left behind. You’re a f*cking mess. You need to come to your senses for this child. You need to decide if you want to keep it. And if you do, you need to start taking better care of yourself.”
“Of course I’m going to keep it.” I rested my hand on my abdomen. Regardless of how badly he destroyed me, I still wanted this little piece of Grant. It was all I had left.
“I’m glad that’s decided. I already called your doctor and got you an appointment. What about Grant? He needs to know.”
I really needed her to back off. Everything that had happened over the last few weeks was too much for me to process. My system was on overload. What I needed was to shut down and hide away for a while. To think about how my future was going to play out. There were so many factors to consider. Money, cribs, formula, day care. And I still needed to take care of my mother.
Yes. It was all too much for me to handle right now.
“You need to cool your jets on this one, M. I can’t decide that now. I need time to figure things out. It isn’t like any of this was planned.” The sick truth of the situation dawned on me, and my hand flew to my mouth. “Oh my God, M. He’s going to think I did this to trap him. He said I was just like all the others.”
Gabriela’s pregnancy and the effect that had on Grant weighed on my mind. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t let him rip me apart again. And there was no way I was strong enough to stand there and watch him rip apart our unborn child.
“Stop thinking the worst. Let’s get you through the doctor’s appointment and make sure everything is kosher before you tell him.”
I nodded. I could do that. And if I decided not to tell him after that, I would. It was my life, my body, my baby and most definitely my decision.
?????
The cab drove through the huge, fancy cast iron gates opened to the long driveway leading up to Nik and Tina’s ginormous house. I paid the cabbie and stepped out, looking around in awe at the fact that you could fit at least ten cars in front of the house. Seems like Tina was doing well for herself. I was so happy for her. I walked up to the door and rang the bell, waiting for her to answer.
She opened the door with a wide smile. I took her in, wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a cute yellow sweater. Her belly was already flat from having Nat’s babies. Lucky bitch. I had a feeling I was going to get as big as a house and stay that way. Then again, it wouldn’t matter because I was planning on being single for the rest of my life.
I walked in behind her into a small hallway with framed photos on either side. There were photos of family and friends, and my heart had a pang in it thinking about how much Tina’s kids had that mine wouldn’t. No big family to grow up around. No father that wanted it or its mother.
I followed her into a large room that was open concept. The walls were a soft, neutral peachy color. The ceiling was high and vaulted. Tina grabbed tea from the kitchen as I settled into one of the three large, light brown leather sofas that were in a semi-circle facing the television mounted on the wall. I set my purse on the large square, mahogany coffee table in between the sofas and looked around.
The left hand side of the room had a large hand-carved, mahogany dining room table. In the back left hand corner of the room was a breakfast bar with stools leading off into the kitchen. It was so homey. It definitely made you want to kick off your shoes and stay a while.
“Nat should be here at any minute with her precious little bundles,” Tina gushed when she carried in the tray of tea. “Nik took the girls out for ice cream.” She turned to me and mock glared. “He won’t even take me out for ice cream, but when Tatiana shoots off her puppy dog eyes, they’re a weapon. I swear.”
“You’re so lucky, Tina. I’m so happy that this is your life. You deserve it so much.”
Reaching over to squeeze my forearm, she whispered, “When you get a chance at happiness, you reach out with both hands and grab it tight. No one stops us from being happy apart from ourselves.”
I supposed that was true. What about when you tried to fight for your happiness, but the other person had already given up on it though? I tried to fight for our love. Grant threw it in my face and made sure I was too crippled to carry on.
The front door opened and Nat called out, “We’re here!”
Walking towards us wearing a smile that made her entire face glow like pure sunshine, I took in the tiny pair in matching carriers. Both were wide-eyed and blinking. Both were content. And both were perfect.
“Oh my God! I want to hold her,” I cooed at Willow in her seat looking as pretty as could be in a soft pink velour onesie.
A still smiling Nat placed Danny down and lifted Willow out. I was surprised that she didn’t fuss when Nat handed her over to me.
I held up the tiny bundle of joy and looked at her. Her little face was probably the most adorable thing I had ever seen. I held her tight to my chest and inhaled her sweet baby smell. When I did, tears instantly filled my eyes. She was so small and delicate.
At that moment, I couldn’t wait to hold my own child. To have his or her tiny little fingers wrap around mine and their sweet eyes staring into mine.
“Oh dear,” Nat murmured. “Is your biological clock ticking or is this just cluckiness?”
Tina wrapped an arm around me, clearly confused and cautiously asked, “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“I’m pregnant,” I wailed with a fresh batch of hot tears. “And Grant hates me.”
Pregnancy hormones were going to be the death of me. I was far more emotional than I was comfortable with, and the crying was getting old.
“Oh, honey. He couldn’t possibly hate you,” Tina tried to reassure me.
I just shook my head and spewed all the horrific things that had happened. How our relationship was going so well, perfect even. Corinne is trying to come between us and filling Grant’s head with nonsense about Travis and me. The fact that he overheard a conversation that was taken way out of context. And finally, the hideous things he said to me when he ended it.
Reliving it all, my heart broke all over again. I wondered if the pain was ever going to fade or if it would always be in the background of everything that I did. Would I look at my child and feel that soul crushing pain? Would he or she look like Grant and remind me of how horribly wrong things went?
“I need your advice. Should I tell him? I mean, I know he deserves to know, but will it really make a difference?” I rattled off like I crazed person. The girls both exchanged a look before attempting to reason with me.
Tina was the first to weigh in when she asked seriously, “What do you want to do?”
But I ignored the question. I was still too busy acting irrational.
“He said he was glad I didn’t try to trap him with a baby when I was playing him for a fool. If I tell him now, he’s going to believe that was my intent all along. We used protection every time. He’ll never believe I didn’t plan this. He’ll probably accuse me of poking holes in his condoms or something. I don’t know if I can go through that.”
Nat’s face turned vicious, “If he can’t see how goddamn awesome you are, he can eat a dick. He doesn’t deserve you. And maybe he doesn’t deserve that baby.”
Tina, ever placating, cut in with, “I agree that he was mean. And I mean mean. But this isn’t a puppy or a sweatshirt left behind from a relationship. This is a child. His child. Think about this for a second.”
Nat sighed with a roll of her eyes, “Okay, yes, I agree. He does deserve to know.” She muttered under her breath, “Even if he is a pompous a*shole.”
Tina leaned forward to look me in the eye. “If you leave this too long, it’ll get to the point where you’ll start justifying not telling him. You’ll cross that line and it’ll be too hard to come back from.” She got closer and her eyes stressed this point, “When he finds out – and he will find out – you’ll have made it hard for the both of you and will have put yourself in a position to have earned his distrust.”
By the time I left Tina’s house, I knew what I had to do. I needed to suck it up and tell Grant he was going to be a father. He could either make the most of the situation and bask in the fact that he was having a child, or he could throw it in my face and walk away. If he chose to do the latter, it would be his loss. Because looking at Nat’s two miracles, I knew that any idiot who would turn their back on them was a fool to the nth degree.
I just hoped Grant wasn’t the fool I believed him to be. It would be really nice to have the support that I was going to need to raise our child the way he or she deserved.