“Where are you staying? Maybe I could stop by and see you before I go home.” I attempted to end our encounter as I stood to leave.
She had the longest face when she realized I was preparing for my departure. “Rayna, you so pretty, girl! I can’t believe you here. You have any kids…you married, ain’t you? I wanna know what’s up with my baby girl,” she said gleaming from ear to ear.
I felt horrible. She wanted to catch up when I wanted to leave. To run like hell. I kept looking at people coming into the restaurant each time the door would open, breaking my attention. I didn’t know what to say. I was at a crossroads with yielding to my human nature to help her get clean and healthy and maintaining my “fuck you all” attitude and returning to my new life. I thought of Michelle and felt a coat of warmth come over me. I had to at least try.
So I offered, “Listen, Ma, if you really want help I don’t mind supporting you. I’ll be leaving tomorrow afternoon. I’m staying at the Embassy Suite in Secaucus. If you want help find your way there and I’ll see what I can do.”
I got up to walk out. Before I could touch the door she called out to me. “Hey, Rayna…”
Here was the okeydoke…the ultimate crackhead move. I knew she was preparing to ask for money.
“God told me you was coming home soon. That’s why I needed to be ready!” she declared excitedly, then shadows of darkness fell upon her eyes. I guess she felt that she had failed me again.
Acute pain zapped my chest; I didn’t have a response. I cracked an apologetic smile, turned and headed out. On my way to my car I thought about numbing the pain. Alcohol sounds like the method! I knew not to mix alcohol with depression, but it was divine for anxiety. I needed to take the load off and had a collection of weeks to escape, even if but for a night.
Coincidentally, next to the restaurant was a liquor store. As much as I was in a hurry to leave the morose area of my humble beginnings, I wanted to be stowed away in a bed sooner. My exhaustion was cresting upon me. Quickly, I decided to stop in the LQ to pick up a bottle of Henny. I hate Hennessy.
After deciding on the size and brand, I grabbed a bottle and made my way to the counter to pay. The place was damn near empty and smelled of cigarettes and ammonia. My nerves were shot and body was coiled so tightly that I was shivering. As I was searching my purse for change, I heard my name.
“Rayna…Brimm?”
I turned counter-clockwise to the sound and I couldn’t believe my eyes. It took a minute to gather my faculties and respond with words that fell out in a whisper.
“Theresa?”
In that instance, my attention was snatched by the sight of a stroller in my periphery and small children running around it. Something inside me was unsettled with seeing babies in a liquor store. Theresa must have followed my eyes and abruptly turned to the tots.
“Knock it the fuck off! Don’t you see grown folks talking!” That last one wasn’t a question.
Theresa’s exultant glaze made its way back to me as the store clerk was asking for my payment. I handed it to him and turned back to my childhood friend.
“Girl, where the hell you been?”
“Ummm…you know…here—there. How are you?” I asked, attempting diversion.
“I been here. I see your mother all the time around here.” Visions of a frail Samantha that I’d just left suddenly came to mind. “She keep saying that she don’t hear from you. What you been up to?”
Theresa’s smile was so bright and enchanted. I could tell she was genuinely happy to see me. I’d wished I could return the sentiment. I was in the middle of an anxiety attack that grew more imminent with each discovery of the day.
I swallowed hard, begging my wits to return when I coughed out, “School…you know, trying to get myself together. What about you?”
My eyes swung to the children who were once again engaged in tag play. Theresa followed my gaze.