I lied to my best friend that day by nodding my head in comprehensive accession. I didn’t have faith in myself. She was the only person who did.
Michelle died less than two weeks after that conversation. She put up a hell of a fight with that cancer but it gave her little time. I felt depression like no other time in my life. I felt emptiness, a phenomenon I’d never battled before. Days blended together and nights triumphed with extensions that stretched into the subsequent bleak days. I became a shell, impermeable on the outside to protect what was delicate and fucked up on the inside. I’d forget to eat and sleep. I made sure her final wishes were made known to her family. She was cremated and dispersed in the Pacific Ocean.
I was so numb throughout the ceremony. I felt so alone in a room full of people during her repast. I’d never acquainted myself with her family. Many of them knew of me though I had no knowledge of them. I’d guessed they’d heard about the girl Michelle virtually returned from college with. The one she took in and helped get a job. A life.
I just sat and went in and out of consciousness as I watched Erin run around with her distant cousins while others ate and socialized. I had hurt for her. She would no longer experience the wonder of her mother’s love and devotion. She’d never know how great and selfless of an individual her mother was. If Michelle gave me such a generous portion of herself, I could only imagine what she would have given her own child.
Life’s complicated. Life’s unfair. All isn’t fair in love and war.
Chapter 4
Rayna
I was in my bed, engaged in restless sleep when I felt sharp pain in my abdomen bringing me to a blustering awakening. I pulled myself up and grabbed my hardening belly. Another wave of pain struck through my body again. As I rose in bed, I noticed blood where I sat in my sheets.
Shit!
I panicked. My first thought was to call Michelle.
Fuck!
My best friend was no longer an option. The pain hit again. I couldn't think of anyone else that I could call. I grabbed my purse, keys and towels and tottered my way in the car. I drove myself to the hospital in unbearable pain. I was bleeding and growing weak by the minute. Bringing the car to an abrupt halt, I illegally parked and floundered out of the car making my way into the emergency room and was seen immediately.
I stayed overnight for two days. I’d miscarried my fetus. I felt so numb. It wasn't because I was connected to and bonded with a six-week-old fetus, but because I had disconnected from my own body so much that I didn't feel a loss.
I felt lost.
Michelle was gone. And consequently, so was Erin. Life lacked rhythm, I had no purpose to my days. Azmir had been in my corner as much as I would allow. Once again, we were in a weird space. I’d never informed him of Michelle’s passing or my miscarriage. He tried contacting me, but I wouldn’t take his calls or texts. I had no one to call but work to inform them of my need for sick days.
I was under observation because of the blood loss, major dehydration and having a DNC performed to cleanse my uterus of what was once life inside of me. The nurses thought it was odd that I had no visitors and made no calls. Azmir had been calling frantically all week. He sent texts and emails.
On the second day, he left a message saying that he went over to my house only to find that I wasn't there. For all I knew he tried looking for me at work but I hadn't been there in nearly a week since Michelle's passing. I lay there in my hospital bed and cried on and off until I was discharged.