“Oh, I’m sure she has backups in her car and at work,” Michelle replied with mirth.
As I was unpacking the groceries in the kitchen, Michelle slowly sauntered in and rested against the counter. I glanced over at her, “You need to be laying down, Shelly, with your feet up. We don’t want your legs to give out on you like before.”
“Yeah…yeah…yeah!” she retorted. “I need to talk to you, Rayna.” I knew when I heard my full name that I wasn’t going to like the context of the conversation ahead.
“I know this is a difficult time for you having to see me slip away like this—” Michelle started.
But I interrupted with, “It’s not about me right now. Please don’t think about me for a change—”
“Rayna, let me finish.” She raised her hand in protest.
“I can appreciate what you’re going through, even in my current condition. You’re familiar with the term Rest in Peace.” It wasn’t exactly presented as a question. I allowed her to continue. “That’s what I want to do, Rayna. I want to leave here knowing that my loved ones will be okay. Erin is young with so much life ahead of her. It’s too soon to have any concerns about her not faring well in life. She has so much passion and hope in those little hazel eyes. She’s loved and supported by people who will help get her off to a good start in life; people like you, Amber, and other relatives.”
Michelle paused to catch her breath before continuing and I held on to mine. “But I am concerned about you. Who’s going to be with you…to love you unconditionally, comfort you when you hurt, call you on your bullshit when you want to go into the elusive corners of your mind, feeling the need to protect yourself, to make you laugh when it rains and to hold your hand when days are cold?” Another pause for oxygen. Another moment that I went without it as I adjusted to my impending reality.
“Na-Na, I’ve been in full support of your relationship with Azmir and that’s because you sparkle in his eyes. I saw it that first night we ran into him at Cobalt. When he laid eyes on you, they did a dance that any girl would die to experience. He’s romanced you beyond your imagination, paid off your debt to Sebastian’s weak ass, given you a luxury car at no expense of your own, made love to you with wild passion and flew you and your associates—not friends—to the Caribbean with all expenses paid. Although you don’t make the man feel needed, he’s still in your life after months of chasing you.” She took another pregnant pause to gather herself. My heart clenched and my body trembled as I fought back the tears. I was so tired of crying, so I fought like hell to keep them at bay.
Michelle doesn’t need my weakness. Just assurance.
“All of this from a man of Azmir’s elite status…he can have just about any woman he wants. Hell—he could have those associates he flew with you to The Bahamas if he wanted! You have to give love a try, honey. Your wellbeing depends on it. You cannot go through life alone. If you’re planning to, you’re taking a detour to an early grave. You deserve to be loved. Yes, even Rayna Brimm! I need to know you get this before I go. Please tell me you get me.” With her cold skeleton hand resting on my forearm, she pleaded through tearful eyes.
She was practically begging me to take heed, showing dire concern. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t believe I was capable of meeting her request. She didn’t even know about the pregnancy I’d been keeping from him, from her. There was no way that I could even begin to encompass the crux of her pleas. I didn’t have the capacity to take on my shit, I was too preoccupied with championing for Michelle and Erin. They were easier, a lighter burden than my own. But I was unable to articulate this to her in that moment. So, I managed the moment, did what I did best in life. I managed.