I turned to find my mother’s dubious eyes on me. I knew it was fucked up for me to give Rayna that nondescript title, especially with the feelings I’d just uncovered. I glanced over to Yazmine and offered a slight smile, embarrassed by my nonchalant introduction.
“Friends don’t have you standing here watching her like you debatin’ if you want to be without her for the next few hours, beloved. Only love do,” Yazmine muttered before she sipped her water.
She’s right. How could I have missed it all this time? I don’t get this shit.
I watched the car pull off before resuming my seat now across from my mother, telling myself that as soon as I returned to L.A. that I would do some hard thinking about this thing with Rayna.
“It’s good to see you.”
Yazmine nodded very humbly. “It’s good to be seen by my only child.”
I could tell she was choking back a cry. Time had lapsed without either one of us knowing what to say. I still hadn’t dealt with what having my mother back in my life actually meant. I mean, I didn’t think she’d been dead all these years, but the truth of the matter was I didn’t know. At some point in life I put my need of her and the questions I had about her hasty departure from my life somewhere in the recesses of my mind. I’d been so focused on building an empire that I didn’t consider what I didn’t have. I made it my mission to obtain those things that I could control like money, power, and prestige.
I didn’t need people for emotional purposes, just for functional ones, which is why Rayna had my head fucked up. How could my mother service my needs? This is the question I asked when vetting people for my life—to enter into my realm.
“Have you had her long?” Yazmine broke our silence.
My eyebrows met my forehead when I realized that was a question that had a simple answer. Rayna wasn’t that simple, but the answer of how long she’s been in my world was.
“No. Just a few months.”
Her eyes closed in pain and her forehead wrinkled in disgrace. I didn’t understand—what had I said wrong?
“Who’s been in your corner? Daryl’s wife?” Yazmine sounded desperate.
As I pondered her question, I shook my head. I immediately understood what she was trying to gauge; who was serving in a maternal capacity in her absence. But my answer brought revelation even to me in the wake of my response to Rayna’s leaving the restaurant just a few minutes ago.
My eyes flickered as I murmured, “No. No one.”
Patricia was extremely nice to me and always met me with a soft hand, but I’d always felt that was because she wanted me for her daughter. Her motivation was for her daughter’s future and lifestyle, not for my benefit.
“Allah as my witness, Mir, if there was something I could do I would’ve. There wasn’t a day in there that I didn’t think about you or miss you. I swear it to you,” she pleaded.
On a deep exhale and with raised hands I said, “It’s okay.”
Immediately, I felt that was an inappropriate and inadequate response. My mother was apologizing for her extended absence and begging me to accept that she missed me and I spoke to her in the same tone that I speak to my assistants. I didn’t mean to be formal in my response but couldn’t find any other way to express my forgiveness of the situation.
“I’ve had a very fortunate life. Once I got my head around not having parents, I learned how to survive without. I am a blessed man.” I implored with my eyes as they bore into hers. “I just don’t want to quickly get us into a place where you feel you have a debt to pay to me. I’m sure your conscious is loaded with far more pressing things. As it turns out, you were set up and put in a situation where you were separated from me. We know this. Now we spend this time agreeing what we move on to.”
Yazmine’s tears began to spring again. I didn’t think I was being too forceful.