I exhale deeply and find my hands on my head, rubbing profusely. I feel all eyes on me—shit, it’s do or crumble.
“Sex has been a silent issue between us. From the moment I saw you at Cobalt at the dance-off, I wanted to fu—I mean…” I give Pastor Edmondson and First Lady Twanece an apologetic nod. “…lay with you. I guess what I mean is that I’ve always desired you. Who wouldn’t? And even though we didn’t jump right into a sexual relationship, I had not so virtuous motives for wanting…” I’m struggling to keep it clean. “…intimacy with you. I tried the traditional route of flaunting my money and very early on, you made it clear that wouldn’t work. So, I guess I decided on sex. When we finally did, I was curious about you…the mystique of your emotions. I wanted to unveil it, but again, not for noble reasons, only for egotistical ones. Then the more we…were intimate, my motives changed. I desired your heart. I thought sex—good sex would get me there. Yet, I didn’t know what the hell to do with it once I conquered it. My ambitions didn’t reach that far, only my insatiable need for you…to want me.” I exhale, unable to look at her.
“I’ve used sex to temper you. I’ve withheld it to punish you. I’ve manipulated it even to humiliate you and make you feel as powerless as I was feeling in your world at the time. I did it because I could…because I knew that no matter what my motives were, you’d enjoy it to a fair degree.” Rayna shifts nervously in her seat. “But recently I’ve realized that I don’t need to use sex to win you over. You made it clear very early on that I only need to give you time and stability. It may have been a late realization, but I get it now.”
My gaze makes its way to her confused eyes. She’s scared, I can tell.
“I just don’t want that to be the theme of our relationship. While sex—good sex…” I chuckle and hear Pastor Edmondson snicker under his breath. “…is key in what we’re about to commit to, it’s been an inappropriate weapon that I believe I’ve used against you for much of our relationship. We can hold off for the purpose of demonstrating control over ourselves in that manner.”
Rayna’s eyes flutter. Her mind is turning over my words and I’m sure the prospect of holding off from sex—great sex. I won’t push her. I’ve put it out there, now the ball is in her court.
“We’ll discuss it over dinner tonight,” I murmur softly to her.
A part of me—a very rational and practical part of me—doubts my proposal. I’ve never denied myself much, especially sex. I didn’t have to; I’ve always had an abundance of offerings. But this isn’t about me. I’ve fucked around and fallen in love with a woman who’s an extremist. Everything she does, she goes full steam ahead. She needs this. And I need her. I just hope that I can execute my proposal with as much ease as I’ve offered it.
~~~~~~~~~~
Rayna
Azmir and I do talk that evening over dinner and agree to “delay gratification,” as he’s proposed. He told me he understands that I need it and he’s right. I need to make sure I sacrifice something in exchange for time. I have my hidden reservations about marrying a man I’d known less than a year when I accepted his proposal. I need a bit of traction in the undercurrent I’ve acceded to since Azmir’s entered my world.
Who cares about abstinence in the 21st Century?
I do. I care about my being holistically. I know that I’ve harbored a lot of junk within over the years. This is the walk I’ve decided on to heal myself and I will go full throttle. And when we’ve gone over the conduct of single men and women in previous sessions, self-consciously I’ve wondered would our relationship be less complicated, less intense if we didn’t indulge ourselves in the haze of passion that’s possibly clouded our judgment and prevented us from getting to know each other properly.
I wonder.
Maybe we’ve rushed into that aspect of acquainting ourselves rather than discovering pertinent details such as our family history, past hurts, and experiences that’s shaped us into the individuals we are today. How did we come to be as drawn to each other the way that we are? Removing sex for a pair like Azmir and me could determine a lot.
The what ifs?