“A small space?” Pastor Edmonson echoes.
I speak with caution, realizing that I may have loosened my filter with that previous statement. Then I acquiesce to the moment and put it all out there. “Yeah, when I had decided to move in with Azmir, I told myself that I wouldn’t nag him…I wouldn’t be the type of woman who wants to take over. I knew that he was an extremely busy and successful man. I felt that if luck would have it, he would want more with me, and then I would take very little I could and run with it. Then we started the Purpose Driven Life journey last summer and I learned that it wasn’t luck, but a blessing to be with someone and not alone because God didn’t create us to isolate us…and I deserve to be loved. I welcomed the opportunity that Azmir was giving me but…” I caution my flow of emotions.
“Take your time,” Pastor Edmondson soothes.
I steal a glance over to Azmir, who sits, watching intently with his legs crossed and chin resting on the palm of his hand, fingers splayed long and elegantly about the side of his face. It’s hard to think in his titillating presence. He’s just…beautiful. He narrows his eyes, confused by my gaze, causing me to self-consciously look over to Pastor Edmondson, who sits patiently.
Oh!
“Well, lately there has been a crazy turn of events that’s caused me to wonder if I’m enough for him.” I turn to see Azmir’s grimace. Crap! “I’ve had recent discussions with people from Azmir’s past and in these exchanges it became clear that there is so much that makes up this great man and I’d have a lot of catching up to do in order to be an appropriate life partner to him.”
“Why do you think you’re insufficient as you are?” I can sense Pastor Edmondson getting edgy. I hate having to express myself, and this is why. It takes too much effort and pressure!
“It’s not what you think. I’m done with thinking that I somehow don’t deserve a relationship or love. Neither do I question his attraction to me.” Pastor Edmondson exhales in relief. Something he never does. I need to reassure my development of my self-image. “I know…I know!” I raise both hands in defense. “I’m a good-hearted, educated, and independent woman. Any man would want, at least, those qualities. Yeah…I’m beautiful and attractive…blah-blah-blah!” I wave off. “We’re past those discoveries. Besides, even Azmir has assisted in that department.”
I look over to Azmir, who gives a mirthful snicker through hooded eyes. I have to quickly shift my focus from him. I then notice Pastor Edmondson blushing in embarrassment.
I recline in my chair. “I don’t know…Azmir has money, and that provides much of what I can think a wife can bring to the table. He has a cook, cleaners, several assistants, a wealth of businesses, narrowing his chances of ever going broke. He has people vying for his attention and friendship. He can have any woman he wants. Look at him!” I swing my arm loosely in Azmir’s direction. “A lack in any of those areas I’ve mentioned is where a wife—a suitable partner could pick up. At least the role of a wife I’d seen coming up and what the Proverb 31 passage describes. I don’t know where to pick up and be needed in his life.” I raise my brows, indicating my need of a break in speaking.
“Azmir, would you like to add something here?” Pastor Edmondson invites him into the conversation.
Huhn? Things just got real. This is no longer a monologue. Now it’s a discussion; something I’m not sure I’m up for.
Azmir sits up and rests his elbows on his knees, in a defenseless posture. With an expectant pause he utters, “I don’t know what to say, because I’d never thought of my life being so full and complete until you moved in.” He exhales, appearing to be very contemplative. I want to throw him a lifeline by telling him he doesn’t have to feel obligated to speak. But before I can formulate the words, he continues, “When I met you, I thought you were extremely…attractive—putting it mildly in front of the pastor.” Azmir throws a glance over to Pastor Edmonson.
“And when I got the opportunity to get to know you, for the first time in a long time, I felt an overwhelming sense of rejuvenation—and the first time I’d felt it from a person. I wanted to be in your world…hell—excuse me Pastor Edmondson—I feel like I’m still trying to claw my way into your heart.” Azmir sits back in his seat and silence coats the room for a moment or two. I’m now steeled in my chair, considering his words.
Before I know it, Azmir speaks again. “When you smile my heart flutters, when you’re indifferent my mind churns, when you cry my stomach twists, and when you run my chest tightens. I know my world is complicated, but it’s by no means full without you.” He turns his penetrative gaze upon me. “I just ask that you work with me to find our way.”