Wheeeeeeew! I did it. I can now look at him.
“All of what?” he mutters, his chin is tilted and there’s shocking humor in his eyes. I’m not sure if he’s caught on to the seriousness of what I’ve said. So, I shuffle my body to face him, lean in and say, “She watched us...have sexual…relations in your bedroom.” My face is now slanted toward my lap, making my words clear so that he can get the complete picture.
“She was in our bedroom last night…after I told her to leave?” Humor disappears from his eyes upon the revelation.
I nod my head as my eyes stay glued to his, happy that he’s gotten the message.
He turns his head to the window and slowly brushes his lower face with his hand, clearly exasperated. With a mirthless chuckle, he mutters, “Ain’t that some shit.”
I exhale and turn to face my own window, retreating to my haunted thoughts. We have so much we need to work out in order for us to work, MirMir. I sulk internally at the overall state of our relationship.
“How do you feel about that?” His voice is low, empathetic.
I don’t want Ray to hear, so I whisper. “I don’t know,” I shrug. “I was more concerned about how you’d feel.”
He slants his head slightly. “Why?”
“Because you were…raw…and emotional, which is very unlike you. Even I was surprised to see you open up the way that you did last night.” I shook my head at the realization of Azmir’s stripped state being bared to Tara. “…to hear you speak the words that you spoke. It was an extremely personal moment that you wouldn’t want exposed to anyone, much less your ex.” I can’t believe he’s asking for an explanation!
He takes a minute to take in my words, even adds a nod of assent to my sentiment. Within a few beats, he speaks again, gazing deep into my eyes, “I couldn’t give a damn about anybody knowing how I feel about you.” Azmir pauses, using his penetrative eyes to bear into my soul, beckoning my full understanding. “No, I’d never be so exposed to anyone else, but I have no problem expressing myself to you. I need you to know this, Rayna. You will be my wife. There is no emotion or act that I will conceal.”
I bite back a cry. His words sear me. I don’t want to break down; it isn’t the right time. “As far as Tara, I’ll take care of her,” he shrugs. “Who knows, maybe now she understands our new reality. After learning this I’m still baffled at why she showed up to your job.” Azmir goes back to the window, reflectively massaging his chin.
“That brings up a good question: Where were you this morning and how did you know she was there? You told me you were due in Culver City.”
Azmir takes his time providing an answer. He’s still window watching, contemplating from that view. Without looking at me, he murmurs so low I can barely hear him, “I changed the meeting place. I didn’t want to leave you in LBC without transportation. Your security detail called me about Tara when he realized she wasn’t a patient.”
And I see why he’s merely audible, it’s all bull! He didn’t want to leave me without transportation? No! You didn’t want me to have a good excuse to leave the premises without your permission! This is crazy. To keep from having another blow up, I sit in silence the rest of the trip to the church.
Inside the administration building that sits behind the main church, Azmir walks me in and is standing, viewing the artwork on the walls while I sit, waiting pensively for Pastor Edmondson. I feel like a kid observing Azmir’s tall frame in his three-piece suit, no doubt appraising the spot from inch to inch. Even on God’s property I’m aroused by his physique.
Flashes of the night before pops in mind. He was so passionate and desperate for me. Tara wasn’t alone in her shock of his behavior. Azmir has always exuded coolness and composure. What came over him? Was it something that I gave off, or what he wants me to be? At the risk of sounding like Tara, I don’t know if I’m on his level. I don’t know if I’m enough for Azmir. I think in due time these insecurities would egress, but now I’ve accepted his marriage proposal and wonder if we were moving too fast.
The door to the back offices opens and the clicking sound snaps me from my absorbed thoughts. Pastor Edmondson’s eyes go straight to Azmir, unavoidably, due to his undeniable magnetic presence.