“So, she was a good student? Mir was, too, before ‘dem hormones got ‘da best of him,” Yazmine jeers, referring to the streets. They begged for me…still do, but I’m done. As I turn my gaze to Rayna, I realize that I’ve taken on a new addiction, a healthier one.
“Oh, yeah, before my days turned…dark all of my kids made good marks, but Rayna…” Samantha’s eyes go adrift again, only this time it’s obvious there’s guilt behind them. “…she was special. My little fighter. She was strong and bold. Never took no mess off’a nobody. Not even her daddy…”
The table goes quiet and I become uncomfortable and can imagine what my girl is feeling. It’s my turn to grab her underneath the table. Her hand is cold. What the fuck? I slowly bring my eyes over to her to find her staring straight ahead as she scrapes her bottom lip against her teeth.
Samantha’s abrupt croaky voice tears my attention from Rayna. “I ‘memba one night I was tryna’ talk her daddy into moving us out the projects and he shot my idea down. It was sad…I didn’t understand why he said no. I had a good plan. We coulda been outta there in no time. But more than I was mad at Eric for saying no, I was hurt for my baby girl. See, everything is in her eyes.”
Samantha’s eyes locks with mine, as she speaks to me directly. “I’m sure you know ‘dat ‘bout her by now.” Her eyes grow big, “She wasn’t always like ‘dat. Before ‘dat night, she let everything come from her mouth. Rayna always told you like it was. Memba, she was bold.” Samantha lets out a chuckle that quickly dissipates. “Until ‘dat night. Since then, I had to find a new way to find out what was going on inside. I saw everything in her eyes,” she nods. “But then I fell off. Traded my pain for numbing—that crack demon. I decided and faced ‘da consequences. I would wake up from time to time, though …outta the fog.”
The table is eerily quiet. Rayna’s eyes will not find their way to her mother. She continues eating her food as she has been since Samantha started speaking. I don’t know how to respond to this emotional stirring. I will protect my girl at all cost, but I can sense no malicious intent coming from Samantha whose eyes are now in her plate.
“The first time I stayed in it for months. I fell in there hard…real hard. When I woke up, my baby boy was in county.” Samantha’s eyes rises to Rayna. “And my big girl was gone.”
Rayna coughs and grabs her throat. It isn’t loud, but definitely concerning for me. I hand her a glass of water, which she takes. She gulps it down, but then sharply rises from the table and head out of the small dining room. I follow on her heels. When we reach the powder room, her glazed eyes tell it all.
“Azmir—” she whispers, fighting a cry.
“It’s been a long day for you. I’ll go say our goodnights and get our coats.”
“I don’t want to do this to Yazmine,” she implores, straining the tears within.
“Don’t sweat it. She knows what time it is,” I retort, knowing how perceptive my mother is. I’m not about to risk Rayna having a meltdown just to save face. I want to get her to bed and resting if that’s what she wants.
After leaving the dining room, explaining that Rayna isn’t feeling well to the women, I make my way to the closet to retrieve our coats. I feel a timid hand on my shoulder and turn to find Samantha.
Damn. What do I say if she asks for more of an explanation?
Samantha appears humble and warm when she whispers, “Don’t give up on her.”
“I would hope that you wouldn’t either,” I offer. “She just needs time, I’m sure.” I know that’s what upset Rayna.
“She ain’t always been so…fragile. She changed, but I saw when it started…know it’s my fault. But I thank gawd that she got you. ‘Dat help me close my eyes at night.” Samantha chokes back on her tears. “I don’t think I be alive today if you ain’t help me out. When I wake up in the morning, I still can’t believe I live in my child’s house.” Samantha waves her arm randomly behind her, towards the living room.
I stand silently, not having anything more to offer. All of a sudden, I see Samantha’s face warp into an expression that I’m extremely aware of, considering she’s given Rayna so many of her distinctive features, many of them cause my chest to tighten. It’s pensive and I know she’s stewing on her next comment.