“The christening…this whole period since our “break up” after the Cayman Islands,” I used air quotations because we were so far removed from that time; so tightly intertwined and yet I still didn’t feel as close to Stenton as I did before I got pregnant. “…the reason I’ve not kept in touch is because I need a barrier from you. I need to protect myself from the pain that I feel from when you stole my heart. When I hear your voice or when I’m near you, I feel things that delude me. It makes me want to be with you like we were before my stupid…” I bit my lip.
Jordan is a blessing. He’s not a mistake.
Stenton’s face wrinkled and he visibly heaved. I tossed my gaze away from him until the tears rescinded and I could speak again.
“I want to be like that again. I want to be your best friend and…lover. I want you to want to be with me, not just take care of me,” my words turned inaudible as my emotions peaked.
Stenton’s mouth dropped.
“I saw the Wendy Williams show last night. I saw Erika.” I looked him deep in the eyes. That’s when I lost him. Stenton actually rolled his eyes and they didn’t immediately return to me. “Is she the woman you told me about when we first met? The one you said was a hook up by your PR teams?”
Stenton swallowed with a clenched jaw. “Yes.”
“Why haven’t you been with her all this time?”
“I’ve been kind of wrapped up in something else in case you haven’t been awake for the past two years or so.”
I ignored his quip. “Are you going to date her?”
Then his eyes met mine again. “So, I now see the inspiration behind the superb blow job in my sleep.” My eyes jumped to his, cautioning his audacity, and his pierced into me, not backing down. “But why are you asking about her? Why is she of any fucking consequence to us?”
I jumped from my seat, quickly angered by the direction of this conversation. Maybe I didn’t think this through, but I realized I was at a pivotal place in my life. Yeah, I’d had a baby, but my career track was about to resume. My life would have traction again. I wanted it all, including Stenton. My best friend. My lover.
“Why can’t we be together?” I turned to him.
He shifted in the bar chair. “And do what? Live together?” He snorted. “Get married?” I nearly leaped in his direction at that. “Tell me what you want and I’ll make it happen, Zo! I’ll go out and get the fucking ring right now. We can be at city hall in two hours! Just tell me, what do you want?” Stenton yelled angrily.
My body trembled, my eyes glossed and my hands balled into fists. His words were elementary, but his tone was derisive. “I don’t know!” I grated through gritted teeth, meeting his volume. Never had I felt so infuriated by not being able to articulate my feelings, being misunderstood.
Stenton stood and got into my face. “And that’s why we’re not together,” he grated, his voice eerily low, searing me with the depth of that revelation. “You have no fucking clue as to what your together means.” He violently yanked his body away and then stormed off to the floor-to-ceiling window just a few feet from me.
We stayed that way for long minutes, trying to bide time to allow tempers to cool. I was shaken by his argument, but couldn’t deny its validity. It still stung. I may not have known what exactly I wanted to term us, but I knew I wanted him with me every day. I wanted more. I wanted his intimacy that went far beyond sex and yet I wanted that, too. I was so in love with this man that I couldn’t think straight. I was once again deluded by his presence after just two days.