Lost to You (Take This Regret 0.5)

chapter Five

Elizabeth





Christian reached across the table and nabbed a fry from my plate. He’d already devoured his entire meal in what seemed less than two minutes.

I tried to smack his hand as he crammed the entire thing into his mouth. “Hey, didn’t your mom teach you any manners?”

He snorted. “Oh, she taught me all kinds of manners. And it’s not like you’re going to eat them.”

I shook my head, unable to grasp how one person could eat so much food. “Seriously, Christian...that can’t be healthy.”

“I’m a growing boy.”

I laughed. I really hoped not. The guy was already too much, this force of energy that still stole my breath when he entered the room. Over the last four weeks, we’d been hanging out a lot. The friendship we both needed was blossoming, growing, emerging into something indefinable.

I valued it more than I ever believed I could, though remained reserved, fortified behind the barriers I knew instinctively to put into place, an intuitive command to guard my heart and guard it well.

Enforcing that rule had somehow begun to feel hypocritical, a deceitful mask that I hid behind because the thoughts swirling through my head about Christian could not be contained by the definition I’d set for us.

I’d come to depend on his company, thirsted for it, wanted it.

Wanted him.

Days were spent doing my best to ignore the stirring that gripped me inside when I saw him, to ignore how much I wanted to glide my hands over the strength rippling beneath the denim and cloth covering his body. It was so screwed up, the direction my thoughts veered whenever the man was near, and he was never far because I couldn’t get him out of my head. Here I’d told him nothing could ever happen between us, while I allowed my mind to go there, to imagine what his back would feel like under my fingers as I clung to him, what my bare skin would feel like against his. I’d never desired before. I’d been curious but less than enraptured by the idea of sex, then was left wholeheartedly disillusioned by it in the wake of the pathetic experience I’d had.

Until I met Christian.

Now it throbbed in my consciousness and skimmed along my skin.

I wanted to feel him.

But I sensed it deep. He would break my heart. Just sitting here, I understood somehow he already was. Slowly, surely, these little fault lines in my defenses were splintering, fissuring. From across the table, I studied Christian, wondering how one person could shift something so dramatically inside of me, scare me and give me this joy I didn’t know what to do with at the same time. How did he make me feel the most insecure I’d ever felt in my entire life, yet manage to make me feel the safest in his presence?

“So how’s your math class going?” Christian wiped a napkin over his mouth, sat back in his chair with a satisfied sigh as he pushed his plate away. Completely casual, he appeared to be unaware of the chaos he created in me.

“Okay, thanks to you.”

A smirk pulled at his mouth. “What would you do without me, Elizabeth?”

“Oh, I don’t know, find another cute boy to help me with math,” I said, anticipating his reaction if I teased him a little.

For a flash, his eyes narrowed. Then a dangerous grin spread across his face. “So I’m just dispensable, huh? Easily replaced?” He hunched and lowered, pressed his chest into the table to meet me at eye level, this slow playfulness coming across him. “How about I let you fail next time?”

“Well, how about I feed you the wrong answers when we study for our next government test?” I countered.

He faked a disbelieving laugh, a gentle ribbing that twisted its way straight to my heart. He was so cute like this, like a harmless boy and not the man who made me fearful, not the one who urged me to hold on to my affections, careful not to let them go.

“You’re going to feed me the wrong answers, huh? You?” he challenged.

The entire meal I’d felt his leg stretched under the table, reaching, giving in to casual brushes, then receding as if they hadn’t happened.

Now Christian abruptly extended his leg, wove it between my legs, direct and bold. My breath caught. It was the closest we’d ever come to an embrace.

I averted my gaze, but couldn’t for long because I could feel him staring at me.

His voice dropped. “You, sweet Elizabeth, the most innocent girl I know, are going to feed me the wrong answers? I bet you’ve never even told a lie.”

Heat flooded my face.

He was taunting me, prodding. Is that what he really thought of me? Innocent? But honestly, I guess I was. Well, maybe not innocent. Just inexperienced. I had no idea how to play Christian’s games, no idea of what the girls he surrounded himself with were like, although I could only imagine. It had to be my greatest disadvantage. Vulnerability oozed from my consciousness, and I shifted in discomfort.

Christian could devour me whole.

His expression shifted as he edged even closer, his voice a whisper, “Just how innocent are you, Elizabeth?”

It was clear what he was asking, though I couldn’t tell what he hoped the answer to be. Those blue eyes flamed as he waited, his leg burning against the inside of my calf, the air in the restaurant thick.

I slowly shook my head. “Not that innocent, Christian,” I whispered.

A long blink shielded his eyes, and something like disappointment flitted along the lines of his face before he swallowed and opened his eyes, searching. “How many guys have you been with?”

Embarrassment flashed over my skin, spread over my chest and onto my face. I averted my gaze. Why was he doing this to me? We talked so much, most often casually, though at times those conversations turned serious, delving into deeper subjects as we learned more and more about the other. It had always felt like a comfort to have someone to confide in. But we’d never talked about this.

“Hey,” he murmured, his tone shifting, the softness in his voice coaxing me to look back up at him, “you know all about me.” Christian lifted one hand, the grimaced smile on his face almost pained, and counted off with his fingers. “Six, twenty two, seventy four.” They were like little contemptuous checkmarks lifted in the air. “I can’t count that high, remember?” he said. He was clearly trying to make light of it, but the words held a distinct undertone of hurt. “Don’t you think it’s fair if I know a little bit about you?”

I blew out a slow breath, remembering how I’d put him on the spot before. Friends would know this about each other, anyway, but he and I both knew this wasn’t about us being friends. “Just one,” I finally said, dipping my head down and to the side to hide the redness I knew would be there, though I couldn’t help but slant my eyes to watch his reaction. “He was my boyfriend for three years.”

I hated the heaviness that crept over me when I thought of Ryan, hated more that Christian had more of an effect on me than Ryan ever had. “Of course, because I was fifteen and naïve when we started dating, I thought he was the one.” A bitterness I’d kept concealed for too long broke loose. “He bugged me our entire senior year until I finally gave in right before graduation. I had sex with him three times and all three times were awful. Then he broke up with me. That’s it.” I shrugged nonchalantly, like I hadn’t just divulged the entirety of my pitiful experience with guys and that I hadn’t been the fool to fall for this obvious exploitation.

I was pinned to the chair by Christian’s sudden severity. My chest squeezed as his head tilted just to the side, the depths of that place I was scared to tread exposed. “Do you still love him?”

I fumbled through the emotions Christian had crashing around inside of me for an answer, unable to discern how I felt. I licked my lips to steady myself. When I spoke, my voice trembled. “No. I mean, it still hurts because of what he did. I was devastated for about a week, but it wasn’t hard to realize we didn’t have a future together. I just wish he would have broken up with me before he had sex with me. I can’t stop thinking about how stupid I was falling for it.”

“And the a*shole didn’t even know how to take care of you,” Christian murmured, the assertion rough and abraded, his eyes a destructive force as he stared at me. There was no questioning what Christian was thinking right then.

A lump grew in my throat, the air between us too thick to swallow.

“You have no idea how badly I want to track down that guy and make him pay for what he did to you...for treating you that way.”

His words knocked me back from the physical response flooding my body, and I frowned at him. “How is that any different than what you do?”

He blinked a couple times and hefted the air from his lungs. Our faces were so close, I felt it rush across my face. “Maybe there’s no difference...I don’t know...” He angled a hand through his hair and down the back of his neck. “But I’ve never told anyone I loved them or that I wanted to be with them so they’d have sex with me. I can’t tell you how angry it makes me that he did that to you.”

A tremor rolled through him, something palpable, more than jealousy. I knew it then. He truly did care about me. This friendship was as real as I felt it was. Yeah, there was more to it, this simmering attraction that I didn’t know how much longer we could ignore.

Christian abruptly withdrew his leg and edged back in his chair.

Because we both understood it. The connection we shared was too important to ruin it by giving into the physical.

I faked a smile. “It’s fine...really, I’m over it. It was for the best. Believe me.”





~





Time passed so quickly. Before I could make sense of it, November had come, along with it, the approaching winter that had ushered in a new feel in the air.

Christian had become a mainstay in my life, my closest friend, the one who I felt securest with. He was a comfort that wrapped around my body and spread all the way to my bones whenever he was near.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Christian from where I sat lengthwise on his couch. With my back propped up against the arm and my knees bent, I rested my bare feet on the soft suede of the cushions and balanced my calculus book on my thighs.

Christian’s apartment was so much more comfortable than mine, and we’d taken to studying here. A decent-sized kitchen sat off to the left of the entrance, and the dining nook and living room took up the rest of the open space. Down a small hall to the back was his bedroom and bath. Where my apartment had one small window over my bed, Christian’s apartment was open, two windows in his living room and one in his bedroom, something that felt like a total luxury. During the day it was brighter in here, a natural warmth flooding the room as rays of light slanted in from between the buildings on the opposite side of the street. And at night...I loved it here at night. Lights seeped in, boasting the city and everything it had to offer. Horns blared and voices rose from the sidewalk below.

Christian’s couch had become my spot, and I relished in it now, snuggled against the plush fabric as I tried to maintain focus on my homework.

He sat on the floor, his legs stretched out beneath the coffee table and his back against the sofa. That head of black hair teased me from where it rested just at the juncture of where I had my knees bent. Tonight it was all over the place, sticking up in every direction. His hands continually came up to rush through it as if he were frustrated—probably because he was. If I wanted to, I could reach out and touch, run my fingers through the softness. I could only imagine how his head would tilt back in undeniable pleasure, could almost hear a low rumble emitted from deep within his chest, how the sound would vibrate up my arm and cover me whole.

My hand twitched.

Sometimes that desire was so great I almost gave in to it, but we both always pushed it aside because the friendship we shared was so much greater than any fleeting attraction could ever be.

We studied together almost every night, but it wasn’t uncommon for us to get distracted, many times talking into the deep hours of the night about everything and anything. While we were so much the same, there was also so much between us that was different—the way we looked at life and our goals for the future. Streaks of selfishness were so blatantly obvious in some of Christian’s words, the things he would say that would take me aback, reminding me of how distinctly different we were.

But here in this place, with Christian on the floor and me on his couch, those things couldn’t touch us. I settled into that safety, this place that was ours, where Christian was comfortable enough to put all those pretenses aside.

Christian groaned from the floor and his head dropped back onto my leg. He cut his blue eyes my direction. “This sucks ass.”

“What sucks?” I trained my attention on my book in front of me and kept writing, pretending I didn’t love the way he felt against me, that I didn’t savor in the slight pressure that slipped through my jeans and caressed my skin, that I didn’t love the sound of his voice even when it projected the most ridiculous words.

I already knew what was coming.

“This class sucks, is what.” A mischievous grin lighted at the edge of his lips. “Seriously, when do they think we’re ever going to use any of this garbage? It’s a complete waste of time.”

I laughed and nudged him with my leg. His body rocked a little then settled farther against mine. “Don’t you know that’s what college is about...students spending years gathering useless information they’ll never use again, going hopelessly into debt, just so they feel smarter than the rest of their family? I mean, that’s why I worked so hard to get here, anyway.” Sarcasm rolled off my tongue. He was such a whiner. For being one of the smartest guys I knew, he sure found a way to complain about every subject, every night. I subtly rolled my eyes. Clearly, he liked the sound of his voice as much as I did.

One side of his mouth tipped up with the cutest smile that perfectly matched the tilt of his head. “Fine, it’s not useless.” He reached up and pinched my thigh. “But right now, I can’t think of a single time in my life when I’m going to use it.”

A vain attempt was made at ignoring the heat spreading up my leg. “Quit complaining. You’re going to kick ass at Trivial Pursuit.”

This time he really laughed. It vibrated through the cushions and crawled across my skin. I tried to hold in the smile, tried to memorize the way it made me feel.

From the top of the coffee table, the sharp ring of Christian’s phone sliced into the room.

Of course, Christian’s phone rang constantly. I was never so blunt to ask who was calling, found I’d rather not know if it was some girl on the line. The truth was, I didn’t want to know anywhere he went or what he did once he walked me back to my apartment each night. He had no obligation to me, but that didn’t mean I could stomach knowing who he was running off to jump in bed with the second I was out of his sight.

Glancing at the screen, he lifted his face to the ceiling and exhaled heavily before he answered. “Hello.”

These were the only times when I paid attention, when I turned my ear to the conversation happening beside me. I listened when they caused Christian’s shoulders to sag and sucked his light from the room. I was disgusted by it. His parent’s pressures were so ingrained in him, held him hostage in a place I was sure Christian didn’t even know he was a prisoner. Every time they called, it was the same, never questioning how he was but what he had done, what he had achieved, pushed him some more. I’d slowly begun to hate them, resenting them for forcing their son toward something that was so obviously holding him back. Christian insisted this was what he wanted for his life, and I knew part of him truly did want to be an attorney, but I could clearly see striving toward his father’s goals for him was more of a burden than a blessing.

“Hi, Dad.”

Through the phone, I could hear his father start right into him. The words were muffled, but a clear hostile coercion.

“Yeah, I got it.”

“No, Dad...I already did.”

Christian dropped his head, his fingers tugging at the ends of his hair. “I’m doing the best job I can,” he said, strained.

“What else do you expect me to do?”

Knots formed in my belly as I listened to the one-sided conversation, caught bits of the unfounded criticism, the unjustified berating.

“Fine,” Christian mumbled.

“You are?” Surprise loudened the two words, followed by a frustrated sigh.

“Just let me know when.”

His father ended the call before Christian was given a chance to say goodbye.

It made my heart hurt. I reached out and touched him, my fingers light on his shoulder. This was not giving in. This was being there for my friend.

“Hey.”

He didn’t respond, just drew his knees up from under the table and wrapped his arms around them. Christian was always larger than life, but right then, he reminded me of a little boy.

“Please don’t let them do this to you, Christian. You’re amazing, and if they can’t see it, then they’re completely blind.”

The shake of his head was short and buried in his arms. “F*ck,” he groaned in a gravelly breath, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, then cut them over to me with his cheek pressed against his forearm. “I’m going to prove him wrong, Elizabeth. I’m going to be the best damned attorney, and he’ll never be able to say another word to me about it.”

Worry cinched my lips into a thin line. This was the Christian who scared me the most, the one who couldn’t see what his parents were doing to him, the one who, instead of fighting against it and living for what he wanted, ran head first into it. Part of me had to understand the desire to please the ones who cared about us, but I didn’t believe Christian’s parents had his best interest at heart.

“It doesn’t have to be that way, Christian. What about what you want? Is this really it? Killing yourself to be the absolute best in everything you do?”

Lines creased between his eyes, his mouth twisting up in set determination. “I’ll do whatever it takes, Elizabeth. Nothing is going to stand in my way.”

I closed my eyes to block myself from the hardened expression on his face.

He forced a large breath of air from his lungs. “I don’t feel like dealing with this shit tonight. You want to get out of here?”

I looked up to find Christian maneuvering around to stand. It was almost ten, an hour or so earlier than when I usually left his place. Christian would always walk me home, then go and do whatever he did after he left me at my door.

Frowning, I attempted to decipher his intent, because it’d sounded like an invitation. “Where do you want to go?”

“There’s a party at my friend Sam’s. I have to stop by. His birthday was yesterday, and we’re celebrating it tonight.”

Oh, no way, no thank you. I sat up and began gathering my things.

“I’ll just go home so you can head over,” I said with feigned indifference. This was my safe place, the place where it was just Christian and me. I didn’t venture into his other world, the one that lit up his phone every weekend. “I’m pretty tired, anyway.”

Christian inched forward and reached out as if he wanted to touch me, but had no intention of actually doing it. “I’d...would you just come?” The hard lines were gone, sincere blue eyes in their place. “I don’t feel like going over there by myself tonight.”

Dropping my chin, I bit at my lip as he waited for an answer. Truly, I didn’t want to go, didn’t want to stray from the comfort zone we’d erected around us, but I didn’t know how to resist him when he looked at me like that.

I glanced down at my old T-shirt and faded jeans. “I’m not really dressed to go out.”

“We’ll stop by your place on the way so you can change and leave your stuff there.” He grinned. “And it’s not like you could ever look bad, Elizabeth.”

I rolled my eyes at him, hating the little flutter that palpitated my heart whenever he said things like that. We both knew flattery was really unnecessary since it was obvious he had already talked me into it.

“Fine.”

I gathered my stuff, slipped into my jacket, and hefted my backpack onto my shoulders. I followed Christian out and down his hall. He pulled open the stairwell door and extended his arm to hold it open, though he remained in front of me, as if he might need to catch me if I were to trip and fall. The stairwell always seemed much too tight, the walls like a barrier that held in all the energy that radiated between us.

Outside the air was crisp, the night alive. I breathed it in, hoping to quell my racing nerves. I could do this. Christian was my friend, and it wasn’t fair for me to avoid every other aspect of his life that didn’t involve me. I’d made it clear before that I wanted to know him, really know him, and how could I if the only time I spent with him was behind his apartment door?

His hands were shoved in his pockets, his stride strong, but slowed to sync with mine as he walked alongside me. “So...” He breathed out, puffing out his cheeks as he did. “Turns out my parents are coming here for Thanksgiving after all.”

“Really? Is that what your dad called about?” I lifted a brow. Originally, his parents were supposed to be out of the country for the holiday. “You sound thrilled about it.”

An incredulous sound slipped from his mouth. “A perfect night in Hell...Thanksgiving dinner at some stuffy restaurant with my dad harassing me the entire time. Can’t wait.”

We walked a couple steps in silence before Christian fixed his gaze on me.

“Why don’t you come with me?”

Laughter bubbled up at the absurdity, but I held it in when I realized he remained silent, waiting. Oh. He was serious. I frowned. This sounded like a really bad idea. I couldn’t stand his parents, and I hadn’t even met them yet. “Don’t you think that’s a little bit weird? I mean, won’t they get the wrong idea or something?”

“Maybe.” A small shrug of his shoulders discounted it. “But I don’t really care. Let them think whatever the hell they want. I just don’t want to go by myself, and I don’t want you sitting at home by yourself on Thanksgiving, either. At least if you’re there, my dad will lay off me a little. He wouldn’t want to look like the a*shole he is in front of someone he doesn’t know.”

“So what you’re saying is you want me to protect you from your parents?”

“Exactly.” He knocked into me, jostling my body slightly to the side, the weight gone from his face as he laughed. “No, Elizabeth, you’re my best friend. Who else would I want to spend Thanksgiving with?”

His words struck me, and I warmed from head to toe. That was really all I needed. I slowed to the point of barely walking, turning completely to face Christian at my side. “You’re my best friend, too, Christian. You know that, right?”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. The expression on his face said it all. He was all sweet, adoring, had that look that always warned how easily we could slip. Fall. I drew in a deep breath and turned ahead.

“So? You’re coming?” he prodded as I stepped in front of him to open my building door.

“Of course I’ll come.”

He followed me inside and up the stairs. “Guess I managed to talk you into two things you didn’t want to do tonight.” He was so close behind me, his breath rustled through my hair.

“Um, yeah...I guess you did.”

“Must be my lucky night.”

I glanced over my shoulder at the smirk I already knew would be waiting there. The lightness in his tone warned me he’d made the flip to that cocky boy I’d met the first time in the café. I figured I’d be dealing with him all night since we were heading over to his friends’, although I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.

I played along, smirked back. “Yeah, I’m sure it will be. Let’s see what little tramp you end up ditching me for tonight. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?”

Laughter rang out and ricocheted on the brick walls, a thunder that pounded in my chest.

He reached out and tugged on a strand of my hair. “Blondes, of course, Elizabeth. And did you just say tramp?”

“Yep, sure did.”

“Oh, you’re going to make all kinds of new friends tonight.”





Fifteen minutes later, we were walking side by side toward Sam’s apartment, a guy I’d never met, but was legendary in the stories Christian told. Knowing them only managed to make me more nervous than before. I’d changed into my best jeans, a cute, wide-necked sweatshirt, and boots, hoping not to embarrass Christian since he was dragging me along.

I was never one for parties. Maybe because to me it symbolized what I’d given up to make it here, but really, it just wasn’t my scene. The few I’d been to had been uncomfortable, the predatory feel in the air, guys assessing whether a girl was as easy as she looked, and girls competing to win that attention.

No thanks.

I glanced back down at what I’d changed into, pretty sure I was going to be completely out of place. With longing, I glanced behind me. Maybe I could come up with an excuse, turn around and go home so I could crawl in my little bed and hide.

“I’m really glad you decided to come with me.”

I jerked my head back to Christian. He flashed me an all-knowing grin, as if he knew exactly what I’d been thinking.

“Yeah, me, too,” I blatantly lied.

Christian chuckled, lifted his face to the night sky with a satisfied breath pushed out into the air. He appeared so relaxed, so casual as he ambled along and I followed.

We turned right at the intersection, and Christian grabbed my hand. I sucked in a sharp breath and tried to hide the way the simple gesture made me feel. His hand was warm, perfect, felt too right. He tugged me to his side. “This is it.”

My eyes traveled the height of the building. It was much nicer than mine, but not nearly as nice as Christian’s. Ten stories of lit windows lined the building. Energy radiated from its walls. Nerves hit me again as Christian swung the door open, and they eased just as quickly when he squeezed my hand.

What was he doing to me tonight? He had my emotions all over the place. I’d come to feel so comfortable in his presence, the want inside subdued to a peaceful glow, something that felt like a stronger connection, something I could control.

Tonight...I wasn’t sure. Something had shifted, tilted the axis where I thought I’d found a perfect balance.

He led me down a narrow hall and pressed the button to the elevator. An encouraging smile lifted his mouth when he looked down at me. “Don’t be nervous. Everyone’s really nice.” A slight chuckle echoed in the confines of the old elevator when we stepped inside, and still he held my hand, a gentle encouragement, maybe a thank you for coming. “I mean, they’re idiots, but nice.”

I nodded subtly.

Great.

The elevator door slid open on the fifth floor. Music pumped into the hall from behind what seemed like every door.

Several doors down the hall, Christian rapped twice and swung it open without an invitation.

He towed me in behind him. My feet faltered, and I shrank back when I met the scene inside. People littered the room, packed together, the space so full and overbearing that my throat tightened and I found it hard to breathe.

“Christian!” a guy shouted from across the din of the room. He wore his hat backward and a wrinkled button-up, his tongued slurred.

“Hey, man.”

Christian inclined his head my direction, whisper-shouted in my ear. “That’s Tom.”

I nodded. Christian had mentioned him before, always in a you won’t believe what my dumbass friend did sort of way.

“And who do we have here?”

“This is my friend, Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth.” The tilt of Tom’s head told me he’d heard my name before. He extended his hand. Dark brown eyes shifted down the length of my body as he shook my hand.

I had the urge to hide behind Christian, or maybe run.

I looked back around the room again.

Yeah. Running seemed like a really good idea.

“Come on.” Christian tugged me into the crowd, a crush of bodies and music and the overpowering smell of alcohol washing over me in a heady wave. His mouth was close to my ear. “You want a beer?”

Not really, but what else was I supposed to do in this atmosphere? “Sure,” I shouted over the music.

Christian wound us through the room, pausing to talk to a few people, introducing me to faces and names I would never remember. To the right, a small kitchen overflowed with students surrounding a keg. The music played from the other room, and in here, people yelled as they drank, girls laughed too loud and wore too little.

Self-consciously, I peeked down at my jeans and sweatshirt. No question, I was out of place. It was affirmed by the stares I received, the quick glances and hushed whispers.

I edged closer to Christian’s side.

What in the world was he thinking bringing me here?

Strangest was, in it, Christian emanated ease, brash as he bantered with his friends. It was hard to reconcile the two, the Christian I’d come to know in our quiet evenings at his place, and the one I’d first recognized when he walked through the door to the café more than three months before.

Worst was, they were here. I could feel them, the eyes that caressed Christian with familiarity, those who’d known his body the way I’d never allow myself to. Their eyes would ultimately slide to study my face with barely constrained sneers, then drop to the place where Christian had his hand wrapped around mine.

What they didn’t know was that this was the first time Christian had ever held my hand, that I didn’t belong to him, and that I never would.

Jealousy struck me like a slap to the face.

Because for the most fleeting moment, I wished for once to trade them places. Just once to slip into the role of the casual girl who could handle this.

Christian broke from me, filled a red cup, and passed it my direction, cutting into my thoughts. His smile was so infectious, directed only at me. Blue eyes embraced my face, searching, silently asking if I was okay.

I’d once thought him too pretty. Now I knew better. He was beautiful. I’d spent countless days and hours with him, and the effect was still the same. I’d just learned to disguise it, to lump it in with the affection I felt for him as a friend. And it was strong, the part of me that begged for Christian’s touch. But the affection I held for him was so much greater than the hunger these girls were watching him with, so much greater than the obscured lust that swirled and pulsed in my veins.

I could never give into one night. Not even a short-lived affair. It just wasn’t worth it. I’d never survive without Christian in my life.

Sipping at the bitter liquid in my cup, I fidgeted uncomfortably as my attention flitted around the room at the faces of the people Christian called friends. Halfheartedly, I listened to the conversations happening around me, pretending to act as if I was interested and enjoying myself, since Christian seemed to be having fun.

I forced myself to finish one beer in the span of time it took Christian to down five. He attempted to include me, but I just couldn’t settle, couldn’t find comfort in this place. I gave a little yank at the hem of his shirt to get his attention. He turned back to me.

“Is there a restroom I can use?”

I could tell he was a little buzzed, his pupils wider and slowed. He squinted to focus on me. Then he tipped me that earth-shattering smile. “Yeah, sure...it’s right down the hall. You want me to come with you?”

I forced myself to smile back. “No, I’m fine. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” He turned back to the guy he was talking to.

Keeping my head down, I made my way through the crowd, twisting and turning as I did my best to avoid both eye and skin contact, and fumbled my way through.

Thank God the bathroom was empty.

I shut the door behind me, and leaned against it. Raising my face to the ceiling, I expelled a weighted sigh into the reprieve of the bathroom. Music vibrated through the walls, though it was dimmed and dulled.

What the hell am I doing? It was ridiculous to feel this much discomfort. It wasn’t like I wasn’t surrounded by these same kind of people in my classes, that I didn’t sit by them every day, or that I really thought bad about any of them. And I wasn’t normally this insecure girl who cared about prying eyes or what anyone thought of me.

Awareness pressed into my senses. I refuted it. Internally denied it. But its truth screamed in my ear. An unfound possessiveness rapid fired from my nerves, spun and wove a web around my heart, and the jealousy I’d felt earlier beat a steady song within the confines of my chest.

I forced myself to move to the sink and splashed cool water on my face. It struck me again, and I gripped my hands in my hair.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

I was never supposed to allow myself to feel this way.

Straightening, I looked up at the misery that awaited me in the mirror.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

Someone banged at the door. “Come on...you’re not the only person here.”

Sighing, I steeled myself and headed out, ducking my head when I was met with the scowl on the face of the girl waiting on the other side of the door.

“About time.”

I didn’t acknowledge her, just brushed by with my attention trained on the ground. The hall was dark as I hauled myself forward and worked my way back through the throng. All I wanted was to find Christian and ask him to get me out of here.

A foreign hand pulled at my arm as I passed, and I spun around to one of the guys Christian had introduced me to when we first got here. Max? Yeah. Max. “Where you goin’ so fast?”

I yanked my arm away, hating his obvious perusal. “Just looking for Christian.”

“Right.” The guy laughed in his stupor. “Well, if you can’t find him, you know where to find me.”

Ugh.

Why was Christian so into this?

Pushing forward, I came to a stumbling standstill on the outskirts of the living room.

Because I knew why. I always had.

Christian had moved into the living room. Even from here, he crowded my space. His presence slipped over my skin, penetrating, invading everything. He held me in a way no one ever had, in a way I knew was impossible for anyone else to.

He leaned with one shoulder on the wall while some girl with long brown hair nearly climbed his body, inching up to whisper something in his ear. His head tilted back, and I caught a flash of his gorgeous face before he leaned back into her.

This was why he was here.

An ache unlike anything I’d ever felt pierced me all the way to my core.

I wasn’t angry with Christian. He’d never tried to hide this from me. Had never lied and had never promised me anything. And the little he’d asked me for, I’d immediately shot down.

It didn’t mean seeing him here, like this, didn’t hurt like I’d been thrown into the deepest, most excruciating pit in Hell.

I couldn’t be here.

Turning, I fled. I shoved through the heated crowd. They mumbled and stared as I forced them out of my way. I couldn’t bring myself to care about how rude I was being. I tore out the door. I didn’t bother to wait for the elevator. Instead, I grappled with the metal latch and flung the stairwell door open wide. My footsteps pounded on the cement stairs, echoed in my ears as labored breaths panted from my mouth.

With burdened feet, I stumbled outside. Cool air clashed with my flaming skin, and I bent over and tried to catch my breath.

Stupid, stupid girl. I’d been a fool for allowing this to happen.

I pulled out my phone, typed out the easiest excuse I could find, and pressed send.

Then I ran from the one thing in my life I wanted most.