Lost to You (Take This Regret 0.5)

chapter Four

Christian





The next Friday, Elizabeth and I were back at the café where we first met. Even though we’d just met here yesterday, we decided to meet again tonight so we could cram in a few extra hours of studying for our first American Government quiz next week.

Elizabeth downed the last of her coffee. “So I think I’ve finally got it,” she said, though her tone hinted that she was only trying to convince herself, her head nodding as if she were mentally calculating another problem.

Of course, I’d spent most of the time trying to help her with her calculus homework, trying to ingrain these concepts that continued to try to slip right over the top of her head. Finally, it seemed to have snapped into place, this light flicking on and warming the honey of her eyes. I’d just sat there, staring as she came to understanding, wondering why I felt like some inflated hero when she looked at me like that.

Now she chatted ceaselessly, as if I’d managed to toss the weight from her shoulders. “I really didn’t think I would. I mean, I studied it again and again and it just wouldn’t sink in.” She climbed to her feet and grabbed her backpack from the floor. She flopped it on the table and began stuffing her things inside. There was nothing ditsy in her words, just this thankfulness that oozed from her mouth. “Thank God I met you, Christian.”

She glanced up at me with a gentle smile.

I was so right on about her. She was the nicest girl, innocent and sweet. And sexy as all hell. That was the only problem with this whole friendship thing. How could I reconcile the respect I had for her and want to peel the clothes from her body every single time I saw her?

I was pretty sure something in that equation didn’t add up.

I smirked at her just because I liked the way she blushed every time I did. “Now you owe me.”

She blushed deeper at the insinuation and dropped her head, and I couldn’t help but wonder just how innocent she was. I knew I had to watch myself, to keep everything that wanted to push its way out in check if I was going to successfully walk this fine line.

I gathered my things. “You ready?”

She looked up as the redness from her face slowly seeped away. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

We turned and headed in the direction of her apartment.

She glanced at me, smiling. “So, are you walking me home?”

“It’s on my way.”

She laughed because we both knew it really wasn’t, though it wasn’t completely out of the way, either. Just in the wrong direction by two short blocks.

No big deal.

We wandered casually through the evening crowd, neither of us in a hurry, just satisfied to be in the other’s company. I liked that it could be so easy with her.

Elizabeth continued to talk as we approached her building, while my attention darted to the guy leaning against her wall as we passed. Elizabeth didn’t seem to even notice him, her consideration fully on me as she ambled toward her door. But there was just something that didn’t sit right. He tilted his chin up, enough for his eyes to take her in. This instinctual protectiveness rose up from somewhere inside me, an urge to wrap my arm around her waist and pull her to my side.

Of course, Elizabeth had to live in the shittiest building she possibly could, and on top of it, lived by herself. I hated it.

She paused at her door, rocked back on her heels as she hooked her thumbs in her backpack straps. “So maybe I’ll see you around this weekend?”

My eyes went back to the guy against the wall. There were plenty of freaks in New York City, but most seemed harmless and didn’t garner a second thought. Not this guy. There was just something about him that nagged at my consciousness.

I looked back at Elizabeth. Not a chance in hell would I leave her here by herself.

I shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t have any plans tonight. Why don’t we order in and watch a movie, or something?”

Her eyes narrowed in speculation, as if she was thrown off by my sudden suggestion.

I looked back at the guy who was obviously watching us. I guess I was thrown, too.

“Two Fridays in a row?” She peeked back at me with her brow raised high, then pulled the door opened and held it wide for me as she passed, already expecting me to follow. “Are you sure you’re not trying to get into my panties?”

I choked out a laugh as I followed her in. Did she have any idea how that sounded coming from her mouth? I shook my head and jogged up the stairs behind her. Apparently, Elizabeth was missing an important distinction. I wasn’t trying to get into her panties. I was trying desperately not to.

She let us into her apartment. It was messier than last week, a week’s worth of clothes strewn around on the floor.

“Sorry. Let me pick up really quick. I wasn’t expecting company.”

She dashed around the small room, plucking up shirts and underwear and random mismatched socks. She balled them up in a pile her arms before she heaved out a satisfied breath as she tossed them into the hamper against the wall. “All done.”

God. Did she really have to be so f*cking adorable?

“So”—she swung her hands out to clap them in front of her—“are you hungry?”

“I could eat.”

She brushed past me as she wandered into the kitchen area and opened a drawer where she’d stuffed a bunch of menus. “What are you in the mood for?”

I wandered over and sat on the edge of her bed. “Chinese?”

“Sounds good to me,” she agreed. Pulling her phone from her back pocket, she read over a menu as she walked across the room, then dropped down beside me without thought. “I think this is the best place.”

I gestured with my chin toward the menu. “Whatever works for me.”

Her face was all knit up in concentration as she studied, mumbled, “So what do you like?”

“Anything beef.”

She laughed, and drew out a quiet, “Okay.”

We settled on Mongolian beef, sesame chicken, and eggrolls. We chatted until the door rang, and I jumped up to pay.

She tried to stop me, but I insisted. “Am I not allowed to buy dinner for my friend?”

Finally, she conceded and grabbed a couple plates from the kitchen. We kicked off our shoes and sat cross-legged on her bed, using the middle as a table. We opened the containers and filled them as we talked. Again we hit this rhythm, a tempo I’d never found with anyone else, one where I didn’t have to pretend I was someone I didn’t want to be, one where she wasn’t shy, and her genuine smile lit up the shadowy room.

Elizabeth gave me all the little details of the city she’d grown up in, her favorite places, and the many ways it was different from here. I could feel her love for San Diego in the pitch of her voice. More obvious was her love for the people there.

“Yeah, the water’s always a little cold, but you get used to it,” she said as she took another bite.

I inclined my head so I could study her, watch her face as it lifted and fell, twisted in animation as she spoke.

“I can’t believe in all the places you’ve traveled, you’ve never been to San Diego,” she said.

“I’ve been to L.A. a bunch of times, but for some reason, San Diego was never on the agenda.” I shrugged and dipped an eggroll into sweet and sour sauce.

Her eyes narrowed in thought. “You should go sometime. I think you’d like it there.”

“Yeah...I think I’d like that.”

She smiled.

So beautiful. I was still trying to adjust to the decision I’d made, this commitment to our friendship and swearing off girls at the same time. I knew they didn’t quite match, and if I tried to explain it to someone, they would think I was completely insane. But somewhere inside, I got it.

“So you think you’re going to move back there once you finish school? Is that where you want to practice?” I asked.

Elizabeth kind of frowned, as if the suggestion of not returning was completely absurd. “Definitely.” She took a bite of chicken before she continued. “I mean, you know I love it here and getting to move to New York has been the best experience of my life, but I can’t imagine not going back home. My family is too important to me.”

“So what happens if some guy comes along and sweeps you off your feet, and for some reason, he can’t move to San Diego?”

Her lips pressed together, a narrow line denting between her brows. She paused as if taking my question completely seriously. “Then I guess somehow that guy would have to become just as important to me as my family. Maybe more important. I guess that’s what marriage is all about...sacrifice...giving up what you want for the other person.”

Her eyes were sincere as she looked across at me.

I was stunned. “You’d really give up what you wanted for some guy?”

This time, she didn’t have to contemplate. Instead, her frown deepened, and she turned the question on me. “Wouldn’t you? If you really loved someone?”

“I think marriage is more about compromise. Meeting in the middle. Being compatible.”

She scoffed a little, kind of shook her head as she soaked up the last of her sweet and sour sauce with her eggroll. “I guess you could look at it that way.”

I laughed. “Look at us, playing philosophers. I don’t think anyone has it figured out.”

Her face softened. “Yeah, I think you’re probably right.” Elizabeth tossed her napkin to her plate. “That was really good. Are you finished?”

I nodded. “Yeah,” then mumbled, “Thanks,” when she grabbed my plate.

“Thank you for dinner,” she countered with a grin as she got to her feet.

While Elizabeth rinsed our plates in the sink, I stuffed the empty containers and garbage in the plastic bag left discarded on the floor, tied the handles in a knot so it wouldn’t spill.

Stuffed, I lay back with my feet flat on Elizabeth’s floor. A minute later, Elizabeth crawled to her bed, her sweet face passing above mine as she climbed up to lean against the wall. She drew her knees up to her chest.

Releasing my satisfaction in a sigh, I patted my stomach, feeling relaxed after the long week of classes and studying.

It was cool it was this way between us, without expectations, just quiet and ease.

I glanced up to the left and caught Elizabeth staring down at me. Red flooded her cheeks, and she dropped her chin.

Or maybe there were.

I turned away because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable with me there. “So what do you think of New York now that you’ve been here for a while? Living up to all those childhood fantasies?” I asked toward her ceiling.

“Sure...more stressful than I thought, but fantasies are always that way, aren’t they? A little disappointing?”

“I suppose.”

“I just can’t wait for winter.” Excitement surfaced in her voice.

“Why?”

She released this little surprised sound, as if I should have already known exactly what she was talking about. “Christian...the tree and ice skating at Rockefeller Center.”

If it wasn’t so out of character for her, I would have sworn she’d added a little duh at the end.

I squinted up behind me, looking at her upside down. “Ice skating? Are you joking, Elizabeth? You come all the way to New York City, and the one thing you’re excited to do is go ice skating? You have to be the biggest nerd I’ve ever met,” I teased.

Her face puckered in offense, before her mouth dropped open with it. It was cute. Really cute.

“Nerd,” I mouthed, unable to stop myself from provoking her more.

Her mouth dropped open farther, and I struggled to keep from laughing, but I couldn’t hold it in when Elizabeth suddenly lunged at me, her little fingers coming out to jab me in the sides. “Nerd, huh? Well you”—she did her best to tickle me, to dig her fingers in, while I did my best at shielding myself—“are...a...jerk.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, splayed my hands out to try to deflect her assault. Her hair fell all around my face, the weight of her tiny body pressed over mine. We were both convulsing with laughter and exertion. Her eyes were all soft and playful, and I was thinking how damned good it’d feel to kiss her right now. Would one kiss really make that much a difference? Change this dynamic? Steal her from me?

As if those questions had just played across my face, Elizabeth jerked away, tucking her hair back behind both ears as she straightened herself.

I kind of smiled at her as she slinked back. Then in a flash, she snuck up and slapped me on the stomach. “Jerk.”

“Ow!” I clutched my stomach, searching for air since she’d knocked it from me, laughed some more. “Not cool, Elizabeth. That was a cheap shot.”

“You deserved it,” she said, laughing as she scooted up the bed, grabbing the remote to flip on the television

I sat up on the edge of the bed, turned around, and plucked the remote from her hand. She had one coming.

“Hey.” She grappled for it, and I just shook my head.

“Don’t even think about it. This is mine.” Smug, I turned back toward the television, leaned with my elbows on my knees and began flipping through the stations.

“Just for that, you’re going ice skating with me,” she mumbled, almost so low I couldn’t hear her.

But I did.

“Not a chance, Elizabeth.”

She toed me in the rib, this playful thing that took my breath away.

I finally picked out a movie, some comedy I’d watched what seemed a thousand times in high school. Elizabeth raised a brow at my selection.

“Just watch it...you’ll think it’s funny. Trust me.”

“Where have I heard that before?”

I chuckled, stood up, and stretched. “Mind if I use your restroom?”

“Go ahead.”

I took a piss, washed my hands, and scrubbed my palms over my face. I was supposed to meet up with Tom right about now, but I figured he’d get over it.

I flipped off the bathroom light as I stepped back into the main room. The only light came from the frames on the TV. Colors flickered over Elizabeth’s face. I climbed to one knee on the bed, stretched so I could peer out the window.

Elizabeth looked up, frowning. “What are you doing?”

My gaze swept the sidewalk. Creepy lurker guy was gone.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, settling back to the bed. I supposed I could cut out, call it a night. Leave Elizabeth here, alone. But I didn’t want to.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

Her face kind of crinkled, like she really didn’t understand what was going through my head. I guess I didn’t really, either.

We turned back to the television, and I sat through the movie I could quote verbatim and just listened to Elizabeth laugh. At first she tried to contain it, to cover up her reaction, before she let loose. She laughed so hard she rolled to her side, so hard she was wiping her eyes.

Her little bare feet were situated close to my side. I reached out, my fingertips brushing over her ankle. I looked up at her. “I’m really glad I met you, Elizabeth.”

Her eyes smiled. “I’m really glad I met you, too.”





Faint light filtered into the room. I blinked, orienting myself to my surroundings. A surprised breath escaped my mouth when I realized my nose was pressed to Elizabeth’s belly, her stomach rising and falling in her sleep.

I didn’t know when I’d fallen asleep, but at some point, she must have gotten up to flip off the television. Now she slept on her side, our bodies curled in an extended S, her head at the top of the bed and my feet hanging off the end.

I lifted myself to my elbow, pitched my head to the side to pop my stiff neck.

My eyes traveled the length of Elizabeth’s body. Her shirt had edged up in her sleep, her jeans stretched over her perfect ass.

Black lace and satin pink bows peeked out at me just over the top.

Damn.

I really did want in those panties.

Sighing, I forced myself to climb from her bed, maneuvered her around to cover her with a blanket.

Elizabeth moaned from the depths of sleep and flopped to the other side.

I reached out and brushed her hair back, ran the back of my hand down her face.

Friends.

I nodded as the word clattered through my brain. Then I peeked once more out her window to the vacant sidewalk below.

Maybe I’d overreacted. But could it ever be counted an overreaction when the safety of someone you cared about was at stake?

I glanced back down at her as she slept. No. That was impossible.

I couldn’t imagine something happening to her. Someone hurting her. The thought of it made me sick.

Shit.

Raking my hands through my hair, I released a breath into the quiet of her apartment, gathered my things, and slipped out her door. On the other side, I paused, my hand on the knob. Finally, I jiggled it to make sure it was locked and forced myself down the hall.