And it scares me.
Everything about being in her life scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do about the emotions I’m feeling. I can’t talk to my dad and talking to Dylan is out of the question. There’s no way I can talk to Hadley about what I’m feeling. What if she doesn’t feel the same? Then I’d look like some lovesick teenager. I already feel weak around her. Never in a million years did I think I’d fall for someone famous, yet I did and she’s interested in me. But the feeling of inadequacy nags at me. What if I’m not enough for her?
When the bell rings, I’m up and out of my seat before the rest of the class puts away their binders. My phone is out of my pocket just as I step over the imaginary line separating the classroom from the hallway. I have thirty minutes to talk to Hadley and I don’t want to waste a single second.
I push open the door leading to the courtyard. I’ve eaten lunch out here every day so I can be on the phone. I’d never be able to talk to her and sit in the cafeteria, especially with Dylan glaring at me.
“Hi.” The way she says hi makes me weak. Who knew a simple one-syllable word could bring me to my knees.
“Hi,” I say back to her, probably not as eloquent as her, but I try. I sit down and lean up against the tree. The ground is uncomfortable because of the overgrown roots, but this little privacy is enough for me.
“How’s school?”
“It’s dragging. I’m ready for winter vacation.”
Hadley starts laughing. “School just started and you’re ready for vacation?”
Of course I am. “I’ll be eighteen then.”
There’s a long silence. I can hear her shuffling around her room. “How many days?”
“I don’t know, but I could count them and let you know.”
“I’d like that.”
I’d like it too. I want to know how many days until I can start making my own decisions. Until my parents don’t have any control over me. I want to leave, but I’m not stupid enough to quit school. I need my diploma.
“Are you ready for your show tonight?”
Hadley sighs. “Not really. Ian, my manager, is on my case about some shit.”
“Like what?”
“You.”
“Me?” My voice cracks when I ask her.
“It’s stupid, a mistake because I wasn’t paying attention.”
I don’t know what to say. I always knew the day would come when she’d realize we’re a mistake. That nothing about us makes sense. I guess it just took her manager to say something to her about it. Help her see the error of her ways, as they say.
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you’re thinking I mean you and I don’t. We’ve been through this. I want to be with you. Thing is, someone took a picture of us when we were sitting outside and it’s suggestive. They know it’s me, but they don’t know who you are, so for right now we’re safe. We just can’t do something like that in public again.”
I’m relieved when she tells me that my name isn’t mentioned, although I feel bad for her not having any privacy. Another reason I can’t wait until my birthday. I want to be able to hold her hand and walk down the street.
“The bell is going to ring.” I hate saying this to her. It makes me feel like a child.
“I’ll call you after my show, but I did want to tell you this – I’ll be there next weekend.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It will only be two days, but I need to see you. We’ll figure out the rest later, you better get to class.”
“Bye, Hadley.” She says bye and ends our conversation. I hold my phone, the one she made sure I would take, pressed against my mouth in deep thought. I’ll be seeing her next weekend, which cannot come fast enough.
“You’re talking to her on the phone?”
I jump at the sound of Dylan’s voice. I look up to find her standing there, in front of me. I never saw her come in the courtyard. Her hands are on her hips and she’s scowling. We haven’t spoken much since church. She still picks me up in the morning, but our conversation is very minimal.
I stand and brush off my pants, pocketing my phone. I know she saw the iPhone. Her eyes are trained on me. She looks different. Not the same Dylan I’ve known for the past few years. Her expression is hardened, almost as if she’s upset.
I know I have to answer her. I also know she’s not going to like it. That day driving back from Hadley’s Dylan made it very clear how she felt. Those feelings don’t change overnight.
“We talk.” I shrug and step forward. Her hand comes out and stops me. We’re standing shoulder to shoulder, facing in opposite directions. The air is thick with tension. My relationship with Hadley has caused this hiccup in our lives.
“You talk?” she asks in barely a whisper. I nod and step back to look at her. To really look at the girl I’ve called my best friend, my only real friend. Her eyes are swimming with tears and I don’t know why. Is it so bad that I’m talking to Hadley?