Then someone whistled, and piece-by-piece the world came back to me. I opened my eyes to stare at my friend, who had kissed me like he wanted to be anything but.
I returned to my side of the circle, ignoring my friends’ commentary on the kiss. Dazed and way beyond confused, I retreated into myself through the next few turns.
I could feel eyes on me. Cade’s for sure, probably Kelsey’s, too. But my mind was focused on holding it together, because I was one crack away from disintegrating.
We were drunk. It probably didn’t mean anything. And I was so messed up over Garrick, that I was desperate for contact with anyone. That was it.
It didn’t mean anything.
We’re still friends. Cade and I will always be friends.
I stayed for a few more minutes, until my head was spinning too much for me to ignore. I was feeling a bit sick to my stomach.
I stood and excused myself, telling everyone to stay as long as they’d like. I told them where to find extra blankets and pillows if they wanted to stay and crash, and then I retreated into my bedroom, crawling under the covers, and dropping the forced smile.
I told myself things would be better in the morning.
Chapter Thirteen
When morning came, Kelsey was passed out beside me in bed, and there were five people in my living room and one in my bathtub. I smiled at that for half a second before my hangover not-so-gently reminded me how much I hated the world.
I brushed my teeth and splashed my face with water before returning to my room. I heard my front door open and close quietly, and I peeked my head out of the curtain to see who it was.
Cade had returned with enough greasy breakfast to feed us all.
I took a deep breath and entered the room.
“You are a life-saver!” I whispered.
He looked up, smiling, and handed me a massive bacon, egg, and cheese burrito.
“How are you feeling?”
I frowned. “Like I got hit by a bus. A really heavy one, full of sumo wrestlers.”
I hopped up on the counter, and regretted it for another ten seconds as my head spun. He took a seat on the barstool below me.
The burrito was perfect. Thick, fluffy tortilla, hot eggs, delicious salsa.
“I am in love with this burrito. I would marry it if I didn’t want to eat it so badly.”
“The tragedy of true love,” Cade whispered.
I sort of smiled and he sort of smiled, and for the first time in years, I felt awkward with Cade. I looked away and focused on the people littered around my living room.
“How was everything after I went to bed?”
“More of the same. If he wasn’t already, Jeremy’s most definitely head over heels for Kelsey. Victoria left half a pack of cigarette butts on the ground outside. And Rusty was atrociously sick in your bathroom.”
I wrinkled my nose.
“Don’t worry. It’s all cleaned up. I knew you’d have a heart attack if you woke up to that.”
I swallowed and a weight settled deep in my stomach.
“You’re too good to me, Cade.”
He just shrugged. He’d always been too good to me.
“Listen,” I started. “About last night…”
He scratched at the back of his head, and his mouth pulled up in a half-hearted smile.
“Yeah, I guess we should talk about that, huh?”
His hands settled onto the counter beside me, like he needed to brace himself for what was coming. I cleared my throat, but it didn’t make it any easier to talk. “So… you?”
His hands tightened until his knuckles turned white. Then, all at once, he let go and answered, “Yeah, I do. I have… for a while.”
I looked up, but his face was unreadable.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“Because… I was scared. You’re my best friend. And you almost never date… I just didn’t think you’d be interested.”
Was I interested? I could feel nonsensical tears pressing at the corner of my eyes, and I blinked them away. Cade was a great guy. And I loved spending time with him. And the kiss had definitely been good. It made sense to like him. I wanted to like him, but… Garrick was the but. Could I stop thinking about Garrick? Stop wanting him?
I heard Cade sigh. “You’re not interested, are you?”
God, did his eyes have to be so expressive? I could read every disappointment, every insecurity in them. I loved him; that much was for sure. And I think I could one day be in love with him, but I had to get rid of my feelings for Garrick first. If this had happened last semester, would I even be torn?
“Honestly, Cade? I don’t know. Is maybe a terrible answer?”
He thought about it for the moment, and I couldn’t take the silence.
“It’s not that I don’t like you. I think you’re pretty perfect actually. I just… you’re my best friend, too, and I’m not sure. I need to be sure.”
“I want you to be sure, too.” He took a deep breath and smiled. It was a good smile, but not as bright as I was used to from him. “I can live with maybe.”
***