Chapter
19
Catherine came into the library and slammed the door.
“Well, that was a complete fiasco, Hu Chang,” she said with exasperation. “All I wanted to do was to see Cameron. No big deal, right? Why the hell couldn’t I see him? I tried to visit him in that fancy suite at the Ritz-Carlton and ran into three guards who politely told me to go to hell. Is he under some kind of house arrest or something? That damn committee told him he couldn’t kill Kadmus.” Her hands clenched into fists. “I think it had something to do with Kadmus’s being a driving economic force in keeping that tawdry tourist town of Shangri-La alive and an active distraction.”
Hu Chang nodded. “It would make sense. Since Shangri-La was based on the idea of Shambhala, the existence of that tourist trap kept anyone from looking past it to the new world the committee was trying to create. A bit of sleight of hand. Yes, I can see that would suit the committee just fine.”
“And keep a monster alive to do it. Cameron was right to take him out. But now he’s cooped up with those goons, and that committee is calling the shots. Are they going to take him somewhere and—”
“Easy,” Hu Chang said. “You may be bristling with protective indignation, but I assure you it’s uncalled for. It’s not house arrest, it’s protective custody. The committee isn’t going to let anyone near him until their doctor clears him and declares he’s able to defend himself.”
“He didn’t seem to be hurt too bad. Was he pretending?”
“Probably not. But I imagine this entire episode has upset everyone surrounding Cameron. They consider him very valuable. They’re not taking any chances with him.”
“Chances? They’re treating him as if he’s heir apparent to a throne.”
“Hmm. They do, don’t they? Interesting thought. It would explain many things. I wonder…” He shrugged. “At any rate, you need not worry about him.”
“I wasn’t worried about him. He saved Luke. I just wanted to thank him before I left for Kentucky tomorrow. Luke wanted to see him, too.”
“Yes, he told me. He seems to think highly of Cameron.” He tilted his head. “And I don’t believe Cameron manipulated that opinion in any way. They appear to have developed a certain camaraderie.”
“Who could blame him?” she said curtly. “He comes swooping down like some comic-book hero and saves the day. Even Luke would be dazzled.”
“You weren’t exactly standing on the sidelines,” Hu Chang commented mildly.
“It’s difficult as hell for a mother to dazzle her own son.” She paused. “And Cameron pretty well dazzled me, too. In a fight, he’s everything you told me he was.”
“As he would tell you, it is what he does,” Hu Chang said. “So you will try to see him again?”
“No, I’m not running through that gauntlet to get to him. It’s probably better that I contact him later.”
“And will you do that?”
She was silent. “Maybe.”
His eyes narrowed on her face. “You’re relieved you didn’t get to see him.”
“He’s … difficult to deal with. I don’t need difficult now. I just want to go home with Luke and see if we managed to come a few steps closer among all this craziness.”
“Cameron will be more difficult to avoid.”
She shrugged. “He’s a busy man.” Her mouth twisted. “Heir apparent, remember?” She turned and started for the stairs. “Now, I’ve got to go up and tell Luke that we were turned away at the gates. He’ll be disappointed. Are you going to come to Louisville with us?”
“No. I have had a request from Erin. She’s leaving for Hong Kong early this evening and asked if I would accompany her. She’s going to Daksha Mountain and thought I might be of assistance with language and customs.”
“What?”
“Kadmus practically destroyed that village and the people who lived there when he took over the palace. Erin wants to see if she can help them get back on their feet.” He shrugged. “And I have nothing to do for the next few months.”
“Erin didn’t tell me.”
“You’ve been a trifle preoccupied,” Hu Chang said. “And I imagine Erin has quietly been thinking and planning about what to do with her own life.” He turned away. “I will bid you and Luke farewell before we leave.”
“You’d better.” She grinned at him over her shoulder. “Since you’ve chosen that barren Daksha and not Louisville to spend those months.”
“It is a question of need. Erin is stretching and flexing new muscles. Growth has always fascinated me.” He added slyly, “You must make an effort to give me something to pique my interest. I would hate to become bored with you.”
“Bored? Why you—” But Hu Chang had disappeared into the library.
She shook her head ruefully as she continued up the stairs. She had not known how much she had wanted Hu Chang to go with them to Louisville until this moment. He was comfort and security and a bastion against loneliness. She needed that right now. But she would never tell him of that need. He would draw too many conclusions, and they would all have to do with Cameron.
But then, everything seemed to be connected with Cameron. Which was why she was grateful she hadn’t had to see him.
But one of those connections had to do with Erin Sullivan, and she had to see Erin.
The bedroom door was open, and Erin was packing her suitcase. “Erin?”
“Hi.” Erin looked up and smiled. “How is Cameron?”
“I wouldn’t know. He’s being protected by a trio of hulks who look like a Mafia squad. I guess I looked too dangerous to risk within the presence.”
“Really?” Erin threw back her head and laughed. “That’s funny. I guess that means I shouldn’t even try. Too bad. I wanted to say good-bye.” She shook her head. “But it doesn’t matter. It’s never really good-bye with Cameron.”
“Hu Chang says you’re heading back to Daksha.” She shivered. “I wouldn’t think you’d be able to bear the memories of what you went through there.”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to go back to the palace yet, but the village is different. I think that it may … cleanse me.”
“I hope so.” Her gaze went to Erin’s throat. “You’re still wearing your lotus necklace.”
“I always will.”
“Does that mean that—” She stopped as Erin shook her head. “No?”
“Not yet. I’m closer. I may find my answer at Daksha.”
“Whatever you decide, I hope that answer includes me, Erin.” She crossed the room and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Because I believe that you’ll always be my friend and part of my life now. If you need me, call.”
Erin’s eyes were moist as she nodded jerkily. “I will. Thank you for everything, Catherine. You’ll always be with me.” She cleared her throat. “And I’m sorry I’m stealing Hu Chang from you. I need him.”
“And you can obviously be as ruthless as Cameron when you have a plan.” She smiled. “It’s okay. You trumped me this time. Hu Chang’s admiring your energy and growth.” She paused. “So do I.” She turned and headed quickly for the door. “Good-bye, Erin. Take care.”
She didn’t wait for a reply. She was having trouble holding back the tears. She and Erin had gone through so much together. She admired her gentleness and toughness and the idealistic dreams that Catherine would never have.
She would miss her, dammit.
* * *
Cameron was there in the darkness, she thought drowsily.
She could feel him.
She opened her eyes.
“I wish you would,” he said from the bedroom doorway. “In many interesting and carnal ways. It’s a state much to be desired.”
All drowsiness left her. She scrambled to sit up in bed. “Cameron.” She reached over and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I understand you paid me a call this afternoon. I felt it was only polite to return the visit.” His lips tightened. “You didn’t see fit to leave a message.”
“Why should I? I wasn’t welcomed with open arms by those gorillas.”
“They were under orders from the committee. The doctor was with me at the time, and they didn’t want anyone to interfere with him.”
“As if I would.” Her gaze went over him. He was dressed in jeans and a white shirt with sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He looked strong and tough and was emitting the same electric force as always. “I only came to see you to make sure that you were all right. After all, you did save Luke.” She met his gaze. “But I don’t have to ask that, do I? You look as if that bullet hadn’t even touched you.”
“It touched me.” His hand went to his side. “I told you, flesh wound. The doctor wanted to keep me penned up for a day or two, but that wasn’t going to happen. The committee is always overcareful.”
“Hu Chang says you’re a shining star in their firmament,” she said sarcastically. “They wouldn’t want you either dimmed or sent into outer space. Did they object to your taking down Kadmus?”
“They didn’t like it, but they got over it. I just had to present them with a fait accompli.”
“I imagine you do that quite a bit. It makes me wonder who’s running the show.”
“For God’s sake, I’ve no desire to do anything but my job as Guardian.”
“But those duties could encompass many—”
“I didn’t come here to talk about the committee or their plans for me,” he interrupted impatiently. “I won’t waste time when I know damn well we don’t have it.” He strode toward the bed. “Come on.”
She tensed. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Yes, you are. I don’t like all the things that are zooming around your mind. I could stay here, but it might not be either quiet or calm. In fact, you can count on high-octane disturbance. You wouldn’t like that with Luke only a few rooms down.” He grasped her arm and pulled her from the bed. “So it’s the summerhouse.”
“No!” Memories of those erotic hours in the summerhouse were flooding back to her, the heady sexual games that had kept her captive.
“Yes.” He looked her in the eye. “Look, I’m not going to touch you if you don’t want me. But I’m going to talk to you. I stopped at Luke’s room on the way here to you and told him good-bye. You wouldn’t want him to hear anything that would make him defensive. He might feel bound to come in and confront me.”
He knew she wouldn’t permit Luke to be put in that position. She tore her wrist from his grasp. “I’ll go with you. But it’s not going to be your way, Cameron. This is only going to make me angry.”
“I know.” He bowed slightly and gestured for her to precede him. “But there’s no time for me to negotiate. I have to do what I have to do. I found out from Hu Chang that you’re on your way to Louisville.”
“Found out in your usual fashion, I suppose.”
“Yes, Hu Chang has no objection to an occasional intrusion as long as I make it a rare occurrence. Not like you, Catherine.”
“With me, your intrusions have not been all that rare,” Catherine said as she reached the bottom of the stairs. “And this particular one strikes me as being particularly obnoxious.”
“Because you’re on guard, and you don’t want to be put in a position where you might be tempted to lower it.” He opened the garden French door for her. “And that’s all I’m offering here. Not force.” He smiled. “Temptation.”
“After you got your way and positioned me correctly to receive temptation.”
“As I said, I don’t have much time.”
“It’s not going to work, Cameron.”
“Then I’ll go away and try again another day.” He opened the door to the summerhouse. “There’s always tomorrow.”
“Not according to your doctrines of Shambhala. Your committee thinks we’re all on our way to destruction.”
“But tomorrow will still exist, and it will be a brighter day.” Cameron closed the door of the summerhouse behind them. “And I’ll never stop trying, Catherine.”
The darkness was overwhelmingly intimate, with only the faint moonlight pouring through the windows. She could see his shadow only a few feet away, the white of his shirt, the muscular tightness of his body.
It was happening again. The anger didn’t matter. Her body was responding. She had to get out of here.
“Say what you have to say,” she said jerkily. “I’ll listen, then I’m gone.”
“I’ve already said what was important. But I said it in the middle of our hunt for Kadmus, and I have to make sure that you know that nothing has changed.” He reached out and turned on a lamp near the armchair he was standing beside. The soft glow illuminated him, his eyes, his mouth, the broad shoulders taut beneath that white shirt.
She drew a shaky breath. Don’t let him see how the sight of him affected her. Shit, he probably knew.
“I know how you affect me.” His gaze ran over her. “I like that sleep shirt. It clings in all the right places. I’d like it more if it were lying on the floor at your feet.”
She moistened her lips. “Yes, I want to screw you. That doesn’t mean I will. I have a life. I can’t let you do this to me.”
“Do what? Pleasure?”
“It’s more than that. I have a tendency to … lose myself. That mustn’t happen.”
He didn’t speak for a moment. “I told you, that’s not why I brought you down here. Sex with you is magnificent, but I can do without it…” He grimaced. “If I have to. But I have to talk to you. I can’t let you go without doing that.” He dropped down in the easy chair. “So stop standing there like an animal at bay and sit down and let me do it.”
She gazed at him warily, then went to the couch and sat down. “I’m listening.”
“I don’t want you to go to Louisville. I want you to go with me.”
She gazed at him incredulously. “Back to Tibet?”
“Perhaps. I may not go back there for a while. Kadmus is gone, and that eliminates a lot of problems in the area. I think I’ll be sent to Copenhagen to take care of a few troubles that have popped up there.” He met her eyes, and the intensity enveloped her, held her. “I don’t want to do without you. I want you with me.”
“You want me to trail behind you like a camp follower does a soldier? No thank you, Cameron.”
“It wouldn’t be like that.” His hands clenched on the arms of the chair. “I just have to have you. I’ll give you anything you want. There’s nothing in the world you can’t have that money will buy. I know you’d be giving up a lot. I’d try to allow you freedom and independence. I’d make arrangements for you to have Luke with you.”
“How very kind of you.”
“I’m trying, dammit,” he said harshly. “Just state your terms.”
“I don’t have terms. You’ve been spending too much time with prostitutes.” She could feel the flush heat her cheeks as shock turned to anger. “And how long would you want me with you, Cameron? A week, a month, a year?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Do you want me to promise you forever? I can’t do that. This is too new for me. All I can say is that I can’t imagine not wanting you.”
“But if it didn’t last long, that would be okay, wouldn’t it? Because you’re securing my future with all those billions of shekels your committee rains down on you.” She added fiercely, “You’re offering me a lousy deal. And you’re insulting me. I’m more than just a good lay. Go to hell, Cameron.”
He was silent. “I thought that would be your response. I had to make the attempt before I tried anything else. It’s not an insult, Catherine. It’s the best I can do under the circumstances. I can’t follow you to Louisville right now. I don’t have that choice.”
“Who asked you to do that?”
“No one,” he said wearily. “It was just a thought. You’d probably call the local police on me for harassing you.”
He sounded tired, rueful, sad, and unlike the Cameron she knew. She found her anger fading away. “I might. But I can’t see you in Louisville. I can’t see you anywhere that I belong. You have your own damn life, running around on mountains in Tibet, or kidnapping geniuses off trains in India, or fixing troubles in Copenhagen. That’s not my life. I don’t believe in it. I wouldn’t want to share it.”
“Have you finished?” Cameron asked quietly.
She nodded. “May I go now?”
His smile was twisted. “Yes, I promised you, didn’t I?”
Again that faintest hint of sadness … and loneliness.
Hu Chang had said he was lonely.
Well, she wasn’t about to follow him and become his mistress to keep him from being lonely. He was an expert at taking care of himself.
But anyone would say that so was she and she had been lonely most of her life.
“What are you waiting for?” he asked. “I won’t try to stop you.”
“I know, you gave your word.”
And he valued his promises. It’s the only thing that’s really mine to give, he had told her. Yet he had untold wealth at his disposal and the power the committee gave him was mind-boggling. She didn’t really know how he thought or how he felt about anything but his dedication to the Shambhala cause and his passion for her. Both of those emotions were clear. His history had formed such a complex mixture of qualities and experiences that it might take years to say she truly knew him.
She did not have years to pierce that wall. She had a son, she had a life. She was working on surviving her own past and making a decent future.
And she still had that son because Cameron had stepped in and taken a bullet for him.
She had been passionately grateful to him for saving Luke. Somehow that gratitude had become lost in her other emotions toward Cameron. How could that have happened?
Because it had made her feel vulnerable, and she couldn’t afford to feel any more vulnerable toward him. Yet it was all part of the total of what she felt for Cameron. What she had to come to terms with before she left him.
“Get out of here,” Cameron said roughly. “I’m trying to hold on, but it’s not going to last long.”
She could see that. And she knew that when that dam broke, it would overwhelm both of them as it had before. She would feel helpless and lost and want only—
What was she thinking? She sounded like a victim, his victim, and that would never be true. She had choice and power, and she would learn control.
“I’m going.” She got to her feet. “But not just yet.” She came toward him and stopped before his chair. “Because I have to come to terms with you, Cameron. All through our time together, you’ve been intimidating me.”
“The hell I have. You’re tough, Catherine.”
“Oh, I fought it. Maybe it was those damn mind tricks that threw me off.” She looked him in the eye. “Or maybe it was that I’d never wanted anyone sexually the way I did you. It made me feel helpless, and I hated it. Anyway it all added up to intimidation.”
His eyes narrowed. “Is this leading somewhere?”
“Yes, out of confusion and into the bright light.” She took his face into her hands and stared into his eyes. “First, I just realized I don’t have to be intimidated by you. I’m no victim.”
“You’re damn right you’re not.”
“Second, I want to tell you I’m grateful to you for saving Luke. I’ll never forget it.”
“I don’t want your gratitude. I made you a promise.”
“Whether you want it or not, I’m grateful. Accept it. Third, I will not go with you and be your mistress. Accept it.” She bent forward and kissed him, hard, open, passionate. “Also accept that anything I do isn’t because I’m grateful; it’s because I want to do it. Not forever, not permanent, just for tonight. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t have you. I’m taking what I want if you want to give it.” She stepped back, pulled her sleep shirt over head, and dropped it on the floor. “Understood?”
“Oh, my God.” He reached for her and she was suddenly on his lap and his mouth was on her breast.
She could hardly breathe. She could feel his teeth and his tongue and that suction that nearly drove her crazy. “No.” She was sitting astride him, unbuttoning his shirt, then her fingers were on his pants, freeing him.
She cried out as he sank deep, her arms holding him with all her strength, and her body moved.
Taking. Taking. Taking.
His mouth was on hers as he tumbled her to the floor.
He lifted her hips to take the thrust.
Deep. Deeper.
Full of him …
His mouth on her breast, drawing, biting.
Fire.
Breathlessness.
Deeper.
It was a fever. It was need.
A need that was met and satisfied and ignited again, and again.
And it went on forever.
Or maybe it was only hours that seemed forever.
Silk on her bare skin …
She opened her eyes as he carried her over to the couch and settled her there. He gently tucked the silk comforter he’d taken from the chair over her. “You like the feel of silk against you? Sharp and soft, it’s very sensual.” He drew the end of the comforter slowly, teasingly, over her breasts and smiled as he saw the response. “I learned a few interesting things do with silk cords and raw silk. Remind me to show you.” He dropped a light kiss on her lips. “I don’t want to leave now, but I’m not going to do anything to push my luck. I told you that you could be in control.” He was dressing quickly. “I did understand you, Catherine. Perhaps more than you understood yourself.”
“Intimidation, again … You’re wrong, I understood what I wanted, and I took it.” And she wanted him again. He was putting on his shirt and the ripples of muscle were sleek and—“You’re bleeding again!” Her gaze was on the bandage on the left side that was wet with fresh blood. “I forgot about your wound. Why didn’t you tell me?”
He grinned. “Surely you jest? Even if I’d noticed it, I wouldn’t have run the risk of you stopping to soothe and rebandage me.” He came back to her and pulled the silk comforter down and kissed her breast. “And it gave me a chance to prove I’d give my blood for you.” He rubbed his slightly rough cheek against her. “I would, you know. To the last drop.”
“Bullshit.” She pushed him away. “Your committee wouldn’t permit you to donate even a pint of your precious blood to the Red Cross.” She sat up. “You’re too essential to their splendid cause.”
“It is splendid, Catherine.” He got to his feet. “You’ll come to believe that, too, someday.”
“No, I won’t. And that’s another prime reason for me to leave and let you go back to being Guardian. We’d never agree.”
“We’ve just spent a number of hours in complete agreement.” He turned and headed for the door. “And we will again.”
“You said you understood. It’s over now. I told you, it was just for tonight, Cameron.”
He smiled as he opened the door. “I can be patient. I can let you go for a while. I was planning on it anyway. I’ll either come after you, or you’ll come to me.”
Her brows rose. “I’ll come to you?”
“Oh, not running to jump into bed with me. That would be too much to hope for. But you’re CIA and as Guardian I have frequent encounters both bad and good with the CIA. I leave them alone as long as they don’t interfere, but they’re becoming increasingly troublesome.”
“Or is it you who are becoming troublesome?”
“The dangers are increasing, and I have to make adjustments for them.” He shrugged. “Either way, it’s more likely to bring us together.”
“Or put us on the hunt for each other.”
“But that could be exciting, too.”
She felt a thrill of that excitement at the thought. How would it feel to be on the hunt for Cameron with his superb talents and training?
“You see?” Cameron said softly. “It can’t be over. We’d miss too much.”
She believed him as she gazed at him standing there. He had so many different faces. Guardian, warrior, crown prince of never-never land. Memories were flooding back to her of Cameron in a dozen different scenes since he’d come into her life. That first moment when she’d seen him before that fireplace in what she’d thought was a hallucination, the moment when he’d lifted her from the hot spring, the moment in the Mercedes when he’d first touched her. How many other such moments could be on the horizon? “If we don’t kill each other.”
He chuckled. “Point taken. But it’s not likely.” His laughter faded. “I don’t think I could bear it.” He started to leave.
“Wait.”
He looked back at her.
“I once asked you a question. You never really answered me. Is Shambhala a real place? Is there a true Shangri-La?”
“What do you think?” His smile was brilliant, telling nothing, promising everything. “Come with me and I’ll take you to see for yourself.”
The next moment, he was gone.