Nicole glances at her watch and looks back at me like I'm about to disclose where Jimmy Hoffa is buried, "Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes. Go." They're both riveted on me. I really do love them both so much. I should have told them more about my background so long ago. I've just tried so hard to leave my past behind.
"You know I grew up in foster care," I start, "I've never really discussed why, but basically, my mom was a junkie who did whatever she needed to do to score a hit. She was never real concerned where I was, if there was any food in the refrigerator, or if I had any clean clothes. She also was never real concerned about who she was bringing around our apartment when she was partying, and that meant she didn't really care what kind of sickos she was exposing me to. In fact, she watched a couple times as things got seriously inappropriate with several of her boyfriends and me." I take another huge sip of wine. "Of course, she was so zoned out on those occasions, it's hard to say whether she was actually present or not. Luckily, I was able to make myself invisible for the most part when she was on one of her benders and the partying went on for days. I would hide in a closet, under the bed, or anywhere else I could fit my small body where I felt it would be safe." I glance up at Nicole and she looks stricken, tears glistening in her eyes. Mike has a hard look on his face and his eyes are focused on Kaylee as she plays with her dolls in the open plan dining room just out of hearing distance.
"Anyway," I sigh, "The police were finally called during one of her parties, and I was found in a compromising position with one of the wasted party-goers." Nicole gasps. Mike clenches his jaw.
"Oh, honey," Nicole whispers. I wave it off. It's been so long. It seems like a lifetime ago.
But, if I'm truthful, other times it seems like yesterday.
"When I got to foster care, I met a boy named Leo almost immediately. We were only in the same home for a couple months, but we formed a bond and it's hard to explain how strong that bond was to anyone who hasn't been in a situation where you feel like you are completely alone in the world at such a young age." I pause, lost in thought. "It wasn't just that we were in a similar situation, it was," I pause again, gathering my thoughts, "It was as if I had found my other half and I finally felt complete. I know that sounds unfathomable being that I was only ten years old, but it's the truth, plain and simple. It was as if all of those ten painful years had been for the sole purpose of bringing me to that boy in that place and time, and so I could only be grateful for any pain that had transpired to lead me to him."
I look up at Nicole and Mike and they are staring at me with matching expressions of shock. This is probably a record for the most words spoken about myself in a row over the last three years that I've known them.
"At first, we formed a connection as friends, and I almost thought of him as a big brother, a protector, but as the years went by and we grew older, we fell in love. And the thing about falling in love is that no matter where you are when it happens, you can't help but to color those moments with beauty, even if you're in a location of ugliness. He made what would have been a place of nightmares into a place to dream."
"I was in and out of court, having to testify against my birth mom who never once showed up for the proceedings." I pause, letting the memory of that hurt wash over me. "He made it ok. When I was loved by Leo, I always felt like I would be ok." My own eyes well up now and I have to gather myself to continue.
"He had moved to a different foster home a small distance away from mine, but he visited me as often as he could get away and we always met on the roof outside my bedroom window. We dreamed together, we planned a life together. We were so young, but we were so sure." I can't help the smile that finds its way to my lips.
"When I was fourteen and he was fifteen, he was adopted by a couple. This was somewhat shocking as it's very, very rare for a teenager to be adopted. I didn't know much about the couple but from what Leo told me, they were very kind and they really just wanted to give a home to a kid who most likely had no hope of having one."
"I was thrilled for him, except for the fact that he found out that his new adopted father had gotten a new job in San Diego and they'd be moving very quickly."
"We promised we would wait for each other, that he would come for me when I turned 18 and that we would make a life together. He promised me that as soon as he got to San Diego, he would write to me with all his information and that we would keep in touch through letters. He asked me to promise him that I would save myself for him. I couldn't have imagined doing anything different anyway. In my mind, I belonged to Leo, and he belonged to me. Distance would never change that."
"Jesus, honey," Nicole whispers, bringing her hand to her chest.
I sigh and continue. "He came to say goodbye to me the night before he left and he kissed me for the very first time. And when I say he kissed me, I mean it was like a vow, that kiss. I've heard people say they lose themselves in a kiss, but it was like we found ourselves the second our lips met. It was like he took me apart and put me back together with that kiss."
I am silent again, and when I snap to, I realize I am touching my lips with my fingers. I pull them away and look back up at Nicole and Mike who are gawking at me. "Jesus, honey," she repeats, and really, there's nothing else to say.
I direct my eyes at Nicole and drop the bomb, "But, he never did write to me from San Diego. I never heard from him again."
They are staring at me, stunned. "But - " Nicole starts. "What - " Mike says.