Jesus Freaks: Sins of the Father

She said it without a trace of venom in her voice, yet I’m left feeling dirty, exposed, and pissed off. What is it about me she finds so sinful? My upbringing? That’s all she really knows about me. As I silently curse her assumptions of me, I realize mine of her aren’t any better. And, you know what? She’s right. The choices I’m making lately have been hard. So hard, I feel like I can’t even talk to my mom about them. If I told her I was interested in learning more about being baptized as an adult, she’d lecture me for thirty minutes or more about how it isn’t necessary.

This middle ground I’m trying to navigate is feeling narrower and lonelier by the minute. I know I’ll eventually have to make a choice, but I’m realizing that it’s less a choice between one side and the other. It’s a choice to stare at Jesus or those around me. For the time being, my eyes are flickering all over the place.

Right on schedule, Roland walks in and sets his laptop at the far corner booth—windows on both sides facing the street.

I start on his decaf cafè au lait, and a calm feeling builds in my chest. Not the anxiety I’ve experienced around him or the mention of him for most of my life. As crazy as it seems, Roland is the most middle ground I’ve got right now.

“Hey you!” I say over the sound of frothing milk. “Fresh decaf. Who knows how long the other stuff has been in there.”

“Thanks.” Roland smiles easily and rests his elbows on the counter. “Still going to the study group tonight?”

“Yes.” I hand him his drink and lean in to avoid being heard. “Even Joy is excited that I’m eager to leave my life of sin,” I whisper, nodding discreetly in her direction.

Roland shakes his head. “She’s pretty—”

“Intense?” I cut him off.

He shrugs. “Yes. But I think you and I have different ideas of what that word means. I think her heart’s in the right place.”

“I think you’re paid to say that.” I smile teasingly as I return to my tasks.

Roland gets down to his own work, and I find myself a little bummed that we won’t get to have our normal Saturday night chat. I’m ready for more from him, though I don’t know what that will entail.

I push that thought aside and decide to talk to him about it after services tomorrow. If I survive night one of Bible study, that is.





CHAPTER NINETEEN


Crush


It’s 8:00 pm on the nose, and I’m sitting at a table in the student union, surrounded by people I know: Bridgette and Silas, Joy, Matt Wells—as promised—and Eden and Jonah, who are holding hands and gazing at each other bashfully from time to time. I find myself having to force looking away from them. Who knew handholding could look so intimate? The RA from the guys’ dorm, Jack, is leading the prayer. Apparently Maggie usually comes, too, but is off campus this evening.

“Father,” Jack starts with his comically twangy accent. He sounds like a parody of a person from the South, honestly. “Please watch over our hearts and minds as we dive into your Word this evening. Please guard our tongues as we discuss the issues that may arise from reading your Word with our human minds.”

He’s good at prayer, though.

We say “Amen,” in unison and everyone opens their Bibles. I always have mine on me now. Honestly, I’ve learned you just never know.

“Okay,” Jack starts the session and nods to me. “First of all, let’s welcome Kennedy and Matt. Glad you guys are here with us. We’re in the Gospel of John, which, to me, is the most exciting and passionate of all the Gospels.”

“Amen,” Jonah replies in earnest agreement. “When I’m feeling lost or far away, I turn here.” He points his finger to the words, and heads bob in agreement.

Mistakenly, my eyes wander to Matt, who is staring at me with a forced lost look on his face. I suppress the chuckle and nod with everyone else. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Matt shake his head and look down to his own Bible.

Trying to be one of them. He’s said it out loud to me once, so I know the thought is running through his head.

Jack opens with a question. “While there’s lots of great stuff we’ll dig into in this Gospel, can any of you tell me some things that are unique about this text in comparison to the other Gospels?”

Pride. Pure, greedy pride bursts through my chest as I shoot my hand in the air.

“Kennedy.” Jack doesn’t sound as surprised as my friends look. He doesn’t know much about me, I’m assuming.

“For starters, how the text itself starts. The other three Gospels start with the birth of Jesus. John’s Gospel starts with the creation of the world, and illustrates—with importance—that Jesus has been around since the time the universe was created. This trickles through the rest of the Gospel,” I’m on a roll, “when we see that Jesus’ deity is emphasized in this book. In the others, it’s his humanity.”

“Oh!” I start again, before anyone else can speak. “The first miracle of Jesus, as described by John, is turning water into wine at that wedding. That’s not discussed in the others. And,” I add in one last thing quickly, “it’s only kind of accepted that the Apostle John wrote it. But it’s highly contested. Apparently.”