Monday, September 28
7:32 am
I like you way too much.
I go to school on Monday. I hate leaving Bridgett, but the therapist assured us it was important to keep up normal routines. She hasn't thrown up since Saturday morning, which isn't long, I know, but I think she is going to be ok. On Saturday, Bridgett talked to the therapist alone for about an hour, and then we both talked to her. Since then, I really feel like she's been feeling better. I know it's a long road of recovery, but I have complete faith in her.
Stephan rides with me to school, as usual.
“Is Bridgett feeling better?” He sounds concerned, and it feels good to know that he cares about my family.
I nod. “I think so. We just needed some sister bonding time.”
“So, I was wondering...” he rubs his hands on his jeans like he's nervous. “When you said that about going back to LA after you graduate...”
I cut him off. “When I say that, I mean I'm not done with music. It's my dream, and it's about time I start living my dream my way.”
He smiles, but I can tell it's forced. “Good. I'm glad you're doing this. You deserve it.”
“Stephan, what is it you're not saying?” I push.
He clears his throat. “Well, I know this is all... premature... But let's say that we are still dating in nine months when you leave, what would happen to us?”
I bite my lip to keep from smiling. It's true that it is premature, thinking like this. I know it's dangerous, but I can't help but be thrilled about Stephan thinking about a future with me.
“Well, I guess I would just have to take you with me,” I say, staring at the road ahead. I'm scared to look at him... Mostly scared to see what his reaction is.
“Of course, this is all hypothetical.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “You could definitely dump me before then.”
“Or you could dump me.”
“Not going to happen. You would definitely be the one doing the dumping,” he argues.
I shake my head. “No way. I'm never dumping you.” Ok, maybe it's a little cheesy and cliché, but I can't help but be thrilled by our conversation.
“Then I guess we are stuck together.”
“Of course,” I say. “Unless you cheat on me. Then, I'm totally dumping you. No hard feelings or anything, I just don't like cheaters.”
He clears his throat. “I would never cheat on you. I've seen how bad cheating hurts people first hand, and I would never do that to you.”
And now I feel bad. “Crap, Stephan, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I didn't mean to say that.”
“It's ok,” he responds. “I just needed you to know that I would never do that. I like you way too much.”
There is no hiding my smile. “I like you a lot, too.”
12:07 pm
Feelings and crap
Stephan and I sit where Ethan and I used to sit. Now Ethan sits with the “populars”. I see why Mona was so hard against Ethan and Stephan now, but I still don't like her. She really blames the wrong person for what her mother and Stephan's father did. In her own twisted way, she thinks the whole thing is Stephan's fault. Maybe blaming somebody other than her mother helps her cope.
I laugh at my thoughts. Geez, I go to one therapy session and I think I'm an expert on feelings and crap.
Stephan and I are in the middle of a conversation about what makes a car run when we are disrupted. Thank God. I didn't think I could handle one more minute of listening about how a fuel filter works.
“Can I talk to you?” Mona asks.
Ok, so it's not exactly somebody I want to talk to... But anything to get me out of this dreadful conversation about cars.
“Sure,” I say, then turn to Stephan. “Give me just a minute.”
I follow Mona out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. She stops abruptly, then turns to me. She looks at the ground for a few seconds, and fidgets with her hands.
“I just...” she pauses. “I want to apologize for the party. It isn't your fault. What happened, it's between Stephan and me.”
I shake my head. “You think that this is between you two?”
“Yeah,” she nods.
“THIS was between your parents, and Stephan had no part of this,” I defend him. “It's not me you should be apologizing to, it's Stephan.”
She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “Well, it's his fault that the whole school knows. I was happy keeping the whole thing a secret.”
“Nothing is a secret in this town, Mona. NOTHING. I highly doubt Stephan told the secret, but even if he did, it was only a matter of time before it got out.”
“I really don't care. Seeing him, it's just a reminder of the whore my mother was. I don't want to hate my mom, but everyday when I pass him in the hallways, I hate her a little more.” Her voice is cold.
“You have issues. I really think you should talk to somebody about it, because this is not healthy. Hate is a terrible feeling, especially since you feel it towards your deceased parent... And carrying around this burden for two years has got to be terrible.”
“I didn't know until six months ago! Stephan was the one who told me. Maybe everybody else knew, but I was blissfully unaware. My father lied about her death. He didn't want me to know what really happened. He didn't want me to hate her like he hates her.”
I am not sure what I am supposed to say to her, but I know the words out of my mouth are completely wrong. “I'm sorry that he told you, but at least he had the balls to tell you the truth, unlike your father.”
“You bitch.” She shoves me, and then storms off.
She's right. I am a bitch. I can't believe I just said that to her. That was so terrible.
3:07 pm
Just a loner
I feel like shit the rest of the day. I feel so terrible about what I said to Mona, and my heart feels heavy with guilt. I know that I have to apologize to her, but I also know she needs time to cool off first.
“What is wrong with you? You've been so quiet ever since your talk with Mona.”
I sigh. “I said something kind of mean to her. I was just defending you, but still, it came out all wrong. I was a complete bitch to her.”
“What did you say?” he asks.
“Well, she told me that you were the one to tell her about the affair. And then I responded by telling her at least you had the balls to tell her the truth, unlike her father.” I hang my head just a little as I tell him. “I am such a terrible person.”
He laughs, and not just a “ha, ha”, I mean he is laughing so hard he literally has tears coming out of his eyes.
“It's not funny.”
“She played you, Scar. Mona is the biggest bitch I have ever met, and she's a damn good actress too. She knew the whole time.”
“It didn't seem like she knew,” I say, remembering the tears in her eyes.
“Like I said, she deserves a f*cking Oscar. Not only is she a good liar, but she's a manipulator too.” He shakes his head angrily. “Ever wonder why nobody at school talks to me? Like ever...” He pauses. “Or at least until the bonfire.”
Actually, I hadn't, but I don't let him know that. “I always thought you were just a loner.”
“Nope,” he informs me. “I actually had quite a few friends before the end of school last year.”
“And here I was feeling sorry for her...” I try to shake it off, but I can't. I decide that I am definitely going to apologize to Mona. Playing me or not, she deserves an apology for what I said to her.
“Mona has never been a victim a day in her life. Don't feel sorry for her.”
I'm beginning to think the hate is very two sided, but I don't say anything. From now on, I am going to keep my nose out of it. They will work it out on their own.
“So do you want to hang out tonight? Ethan's dad installed this killer sound system, and I am in need of an action movie marathon.”
“Not tonight. Bridgett and I have a follow up appointment...” I shut my mouth suddenly. Crap, what am I supposed to say?
“Follow up appointment?”
“We are seeing a therapist,” which is the truth. “You know, the whole being separated for 19 years... It's been a hard adjustment,” I lie. I hate lying, but it isn't my secret to tell, and I feel like I have to protect Bridgett.
“That's probably a good thing. Maybe we can just hang out tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I say.
Friday, October 2
5:15 pm
More than lust.
The week goes by too fast, and too slow at the same time. I'm so nervous about my day tomorrow, seeing Stacy after nine years. I'm scared that she will hate me... Scared that I will find out that I am the reason she left, which is just crazy I know. I was 10 at the time. It wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel partly responsible.
Friday afternoon, Bridgett and I go hang out at Stephan's house. Bridge is hanging out with Ethan, and Sarah. They are all cooking dinner. My sister actually likes to cook, which is something else we definitely do not have in common.
Stephan and I sneak off to his room.
“So you've never cooked before, ever?” he asks, as we walk into his room.
“I can honestly say that I haven't. Not even boiling water,” I admit. “However, I have microwaved food before.” Only a couple of times on the tour bus, but I don't tell him that.
“We are going to have to change that.”
“Totally,” I agree. “Maybe we can have a romantic dinner on Sunday? You can cook for me, while I watch of course.”
“Or we could cook together,” he suggests. “Of course, you'd have to promise to wear something sexy.”
“I could be naked,” I joke, pulling off my shirt. I have a tank top on underneath, but the look on Stephan's face is priceless.
He nods, approvingly. “I would be ok with you being nude. In fact, I would kind of enjoy it.”
I put my hands on my hips, and try to look shocked. “Stephan, are you trying to seduce me?”
“Maybe.” He smiles at me, and I feel my knees get weak. A smile should not do that. He pulls me into his arms, and gently puts his lips on mine. When our lips touch, I feel as though my heart completely stops, then it jumps into overdrive. I can never get enough of Stephan, never enough of this feeling...
I've never been in love and I'm not even sure what I'm feeling is love. I just know that I never want this feeling to go away. It's more than just lust, more than just like.
Stephan puts his hand on the small of my back, and gently pulls me closer to him until every inch of our body is touching. With his other hand, he's holding the back of my neck.
I want so much more than to just kiss him. I want nothing more than for him to throw me down on his bed, and have his way with me. I want him to devour every inch of my body, but he doesn't. I realize the fact that he keeps his hands at a safe spot and the fact that he hasn't tried to have sex with me is the reason why I am falling for him.
Yes, I know... After one month of knowing Stephan, I admit that I am falling for him. Maybe it's too fast, but I don't care. I can't help how I'm feeling. I know Stephan better than I've known anybody, and he knows me. I've told him all my dark, and dirty secrets – and he still is crazy about me.
A sudden knock on the door makes us step away from each other quickly. Ethan sticks his head through the crack, and he looks at us with amusement.
“Dinner is almost ready,” he says, then leaves.
I let out the breath that I realize I had been holding. “Wow.” I don't mean to say it, it just comes out of my mouth.
“Yeah, wow,” Stephan agrees. He walks back over to me, and puts his arms around me. “You know that I'm crazy about you, right?”
I nod. “The feeling is very mutual.”
“I know.” He kisses my forehead, then grabs my hand, pulling me behind him.
9:37 pm
'Swimming'.
“So, tomorrow is the big day,” Stephan reminds me.
After dinner, we went back to my house. Bridgett is in her room, and me and Stephan are swimming in the pool. Well, we are doing more making out than actual 'swimming.'
“It is,” I sigh. I really don't want to talk. I'd rather make out with Stephan, and forget all about tomorrow.
“Are you nervous?” he asks.
“Yes.” I nod. “More nervous than I have ever been in my whole entire life. Even more than my first sold out concert, more than performing at the Grammy Awards, more than my first TV interview...”
“That bad?” He kisses the end of my nose. “No matter how it goes, you need this Scarlett.”
“I know,” I agree. “But let's talk about something else, please. I just need to clear my mind.”
“What do you want to talk about?” he says, scooting closer. I almost lose my train of thought when his finger traces my collarbone, but I push his hand back.
“Wait, don't distract me. I need you to do me a favor,” I say. “Tomorrow, while I'm gone, will you stop by and check on Bridgett? She's been having a rough time, and I think having company may help her.”
“Sure,” he says, as he gently puts his lips to my neck, and begins kissing his way down.
“Stephan,” I giggle. “I'm totally serious, ok?”
He backs away, and sighs. “I said sure. I will babysit your sister tomorrow.”
“Thank you.” I pull him closer. “You can continue now.”
And so he does.
Saturday, October 3
11:06 am
Complete
Today is the day.
Today, I am seeing my sister for the first time in nine years.
I can't help but wonder what she looks like. Is she still the same carefree, beautiful girl she once was? I wonder if she still dyes her hair blonde, or if she has let it go back to her natural color of dark brown. She was always jealous of my long blonde locks. She said nature was nice to the wrong sister.
Looking back, I wonder if she knew I was adopted. I also wonder if she was adopted.
The questions run over and over again in my mind as I drive south. Stacy lives in a small town 30 miles south, and I am going to meet her at a small restaurant... Which makes me wonder, maybe she doesn't want me to know where she lives. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe she thinks of this as a one time meeting, which is what I don't want to happen.
What if she's only meeting me to tell me to get lost?
I quickly shake off the thought. If she really felt that way, she could have gave the message to Andrew, but she didn't. She is taking the time to actually sit down with me, and talk to me. The thought gives me hope.
After about 30 minutes in the car, I finally pull into the restaurant. When I park, I sit in my car, staring at the front door. I'm trying to get the nerve up to get out of my car. I reach for the door handle about 10 times before I finally pull it.
As I step out of my car, I take a deep breath. Butterflies are in my stomach, and my hands are shaking. But I'm surprised to find I'm actually excited.
I walk inside the restaurant, and walk up to the hostess.
“I'm meeting somebody here... Her name is Stacy,” I say. I'm not sure if her last name is still Ryan.
“Oh em gee!” The teenager girl in front of my squeals. “You're Scarlett Ryan!”
I roll my eyes. “Please, I just need my table.” I'm so not in the mood to put up with this right now. At this moment, more than ever, I wish I was NORMAL.
“Can I have your autograph?” She gasps. “We could take a picture together! Let me grab my phone!”
“Look,” I say firmly, “I just want a table. I'm not signing anything for you right now. I'm meeting somebody, and this is important.”
She ignores me. “Oh my god! Scarlett... Seriously, this is... You are... Augh! You're amazing!”
Finally, I see somebody in a suit come up behind her. “Rachel, I'll be taking over,” he says. “Your party is waiting for you in a private room.”
He ushers me to a private room in the back, which I am thankful for. I can't believe that Stacy actually knew that we would need a private room.
Well, of course she knows I'm a rock star. Everybody knows. But still, the fact that she actually took the time to get us a private room makes me happy.
As the door opens, the first thing I see the back of Stacy's head. Her hair is dark brown now, and all the blonde is gone. I always liked her natural color better. Her hair hangs just below her shoulders.
When she hears the door, she turns towards me. A shocked look covers her face, and she quickly gets up from the table.
“Scarlett...” Her voice breaks, and she pulls me in for a hug.
As she is holding me, I feel complete. My family feels whole. Finding Bridgett and being reunited with Stacy feels good.
No... It feels AMAZING.
We hold each other like this for a long time. Stacy is the one to step back, and she looks at me with tears in her eyes.
“You're all grown up.”
I smile. “So are you.”
Stacy looks the same, except older. She still has the same warm brown eyes, and the same smile. She also seems to still be soft hearted, which was always my favorite part of her. I'm relieved to know she is still the same girl.
We both take a seat at the table, and she sighs heavily.
“I want to tell you how sorry I am,” she starts out. “I should have fought to see you nine years ago. I shouldn't have ran.”
“Why did you run?” I ask. “Was it because of me? Because we moved to California for me?”
She shakes her head. “No. I didn't leave because I wanted to. I found out I was pregnant, and mom and dad kicked me out. I had no choice but to go.”
The excitement of knowing it isn't my fault is quickly outweighed by the anger that I feel about mom and dad kicking her out. It makes me sick, but she just told me I had a niece or a nephew. I can't help but smile at that. “You have a baby?”
She smiles through her tears. “Well, Anna isn't a baby anymore. She just turned nine last week.”
“Will I ever get to meet her?” I ask, excited at the prospect of seeing her.
“I would like that. She is a huge fan. I haven't told her that you're her aunt.” She pauses. “Maybe you could come next weekend?”
I quickly agree to that. Making plans for the following weekend means that I will definitely see my sister again. Now that I have her back, I can't imagine losing her again.
Stacy catches me up on the last nine years of her life. I find out that Anna's dad didn't want anything to do with her, so she was on her own from the beginning. She chose Florida because she wanted to be as far away from Mom, Dad, and her ex-boyfriend as possible. She says that every day of her life, she regretted never getting the chance to tell me goodbye.
She also explains the first time she heard me on the radio. She knew it was me instantly when she heard my voice. She was so startled that she nearly wrecked her car.
Anna is a fan of mine. She has every one of my CD's, she has posters on her wall, and has seen every televised concert I've ever done. I can't help but smile at that.
Stacy is now a teacher. She teaches first grade, and she loves her job.
I also catch her up on everything with me, leaving out the bad parts. I tell her all about the glamorous life of Scarlett Ryan. I also tell her how I recently moved to Florida. I tell her about Stephan, and then I tell her about Bridgett.
“Wow,” she says. “We were both adopted. Mom and dad told me from the beginning, and I can't believe they never told you. And I can't believe they didn't adopt your TWIN.” She pauses. “Actually, yes I can. They are monsters.”
I nod in agreement, still pissed that they kicked my sister out at age 17. They left her to fend for herself because she was PREGNANT. I can't help but think they would've done the same thing to me if I hadn't become a millionaire.
Right then and there, I decide I am going to cut mom and dad off. I am firing my dad, and kicking them both out of my houses. They are scum.
I've always known they were selfish. But I never dreamed they would do something so evil. They took away MY SISTER. For that, they will pay.
3:07 pm
22 missed calls
Stacy and me talk for hours, and just after three, she has to go. Her babysitter had plans for that night, and she had to get back home to Anna. I needed to get back to Bridgett anyway.
On my way out to my car, I check my phone and see that I have 22 missed calls from Stephan. I am immediately worried. Stephan never calls me more than once. I am about to call him back, when my phone starts ringing. It's Stephan.
“What's wrong?” I answer frantically.
“Scarlett, you need to get here now.” I can hear the panic in his voice. “It's Bridgett. I think she had a heart attack, I don't know. We're at the hospital. She is in surgery right now.”
“Surgery? What? How could she have a heart attack? She's 19!” I jump in my car, and leave fast. As I pull out of my parking lot, my tires are squealing.
“Just get here!” Stephan says.
“I'll be there soon,” I promise, then end the call. I throw my phone in the seat beside me, and put on my seatbelt as I merge onto the interstate. As I shift from first to second, the front end of my car goes a little to the left. I don't let off the gas, I just swerve my car back straight. I drive 120 mph the whole way there, never letting off the gas.
3:22 pm
Praying for a miracle
Normally a 30 minute drive, only takes 15 minutes. When I get there, I park my car quickly and run inside the ER.
It's seriously a miracle I didn't get pulled over by a cop.
Now, I'm praying for a miracle for Bridgett.
As soon as I run inside, Stephan is waiting there for me.
“What's going on?” I'm frantic and out of breath. Maybe this is what it feels like to go into shock.
Stephan pulls me into a hug. “Everything is going to be fine, Scar. Just breathe.”
I try, but my breath is coming too fast.
“Bridgett is going to be ok,” Stephan says firmly.
I pull back away from him. “Did the doctor say that?”
“They are in surgery right now, but I know everything is going to be all right.”
“Surgery?” I panic when I hear the word again. “What happened?”
He sighs. “Ok, so I hung out with Bridgett like you asked me to. We were swimming, and Bridgett went inside to get us something to drink, and I heard a loud crash. So, I went inside, and Bridgett was having a seizure. I called 911, and we came here. They said something about her going into cardiac arrest, and they rushed her away to surgery. They've been back there for about two hours now.”
“Cardiac arrest... That is like a huge deal, Stephan.” Panicking, I run my fingers through my hair, and pace back and forth. “I have to call her parents.”
“I will,” he says.
I give him my phone while he calls them, and I pace back and forth in the waiting room. I can't sit down. I'm far too anxious.
She can't die. She can't. I just found her.
“I feel so helpless,” I tell Stephan as he get's off the phone. “What am I supposed to do? I can't just wait here.”
“You could pray,” he suggests. “There is a chapel on the third floor.”
I am so shocked by his suggestion that I almost laugh. “I haven't been to church since I was 12. I don't even know how to pray.”
“I'll go with you,” he says. “Praying is easy. You just talk to God, kind of like you're talking to me.”
“Does he... reply?”
Stephan laughs. “Come on.”
Stephan and I take the elevator to the third floor, and we go inside the chapel. It's empty. Stephan takes a seat towards the back, and I walk towards the front. I'm still unsure what to do.
“Hey, God,” I start out. “I'm not sure if you're there, or if you even want to listen to me. I kind of feel selfish for coming to you like this, I mean, considering I've never talked to you before. But I need your help.
“My sister, Bridgett, just recently came into my life. But she's sick, and I don't know if she's going to live.” Tears start running down my face as I say the words. “Please, don't let her die. I need her.”
I wait, and listen for a reply, but I don't hear anything. There is no lightning coming down, and I'm wondering if I did it right or not.
Stephan comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “He heard you, Scar, don't worry. Bridgett is going to be fine.”
I nod, hoping that he is right.
5:38 pm
Out of surgery
A couple hours later, Bridgett finally comes out of surgery. Her doctor comes out to talk to Stephan and me. Bridgett's family had a long drive, so they still had a few hours before they would be here.
“Your sister is going to be all right,” is the first thing he tells me, and I sigh of relief. “But she has a long road of recovery ahead of her.”
I nod, letting happy tears run down my face. “What happened?”
“Her eating disorder caused her cardiac arrest,” he explains. “She is very lucky that she survived this. If she wasn't so young, and if her heart wasn't as strong as it was, she wouldn't have.”
I wiped away my tears. “But she stopped. We went and saw a therapist, and she hasn't made herself throw up in a week.”
“It doesn't matter,” he explains. “The damage was already done.”
“When can I see her?”
“You can see her now, but she is out of it.”
Stephan and I follow the doctor down a long hallway to Bridgett's room. She's inside a room with a couple other people.
“Can we move her to her own room?” I ask the doctor.
He looks at me. “Where are her parents? Private rooms are expensive.”
He doesn't recognize me. “Maybe you don't know me, but I'm Scarlett Ryan. Money is no issue for me. I will be the one paying the bill.”
He nods, and a look of recognition comes over his face. “My daughter loves your music... Give me a few minutes and they will have a room ready for Bridgett.”
“Thank you,” I say, and then walk inside the curtain, followed by Stephan.
Bridgett is hooked up to a bunch of machines, and she has IV's stuck in her arm. She's asleep, and laying there, she looks so small. She shouldn't be here.
I walk up her her, and hold her hand. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do, so I decide to just be here for her... And for me.
It is in that moment I realize just how much I love Bridgett. I may have only known her a few weeks, but the bond that we share is so strong. If anything happened to her, I don't know how I would survive. I need her, and right now, she needs me.