She nodded and retreated into the kitchen. I sighed and looked out into the vast white world again. I had to talk to her. I needed to stay away from her. And to do that, I had to get her to want to stay away from me.
A mug of coffee appeared before me. I thanked Rabbit and took a sip of the hot liquid, casually stepping away from her. “Storm is over.” I pointed out the window. “I’ll start plowing in a while.”
“Can I help somehow?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t like Bear out when I am driving the plow so he can stay inside with you.”
“Joshua?”
“Hmm?”
“What did I do last night? Why did you leave?” she asked nervously.
I sighed. I sat down on the chair and indicated she should sit on the sofa. I couldn’t sit beside her. Already, I could feel myself wanting to reach out and touch her. Make her smile. If I was close, I wasn’t sure I could resist.
“You didn’t do anything, Rabbit,” I assured her. “I did.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I crossed the line last night. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Talking to me? Telling me about your attack?”
I shook my head sadly. “No, I don’t regret telling you that. Kissing you.”
“You regret kissing me?”
I couldn’t look her in the eye and lie, so I stared at the floor. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
She looked at me for a minute, puzzled. “I wanted you to kiss me, Joshua. We kissed each other.”
My heart clenched a little, hearing her say that. But I had to continue.
“Rabbit, you don’t know what you want. You’re confused and lost. You have no idea who you are.” I drew in a deep breath. “I have no idea who you are.”
Her voice was quiet. “What are you saying?”
“You could be married, Rabbit. There could be someone out there looking for you. You have a whole life you don’t know anything about. Right now, you’re struggling and I took advantage of that.”
Her eyes narrowed. “And I might not have anyone in my life.” She pulled the sleeve of her shirt up exposing the bruises staining her skin, “Or maybe the person in it did this.”
I averted my eyes. “That’s the problem, Rabbit. We don’t know. I have no right to add to the problem.”
“The problem? I’m a problem again?”
I stood up, walking over to the window. “No, Rabbit, you’re not a problem. My … attraction … to you is, and acting on it only complicates an already confusing situation.” I turned around and looked at her. “You need to rest and recover. I need to work. I think it’s best if we just try and stay away from each other as much as possible.”
“What if that isn’t what I want?”
“What do you think you want, Rabbit?”
“To be close to you. To get to know you.”
“To what end?”
“I … I’m attracted to you as well, Joshua. You make me feel safe. I thought about this all night. I don’t feel like there is anyone. I don’t have a wedding ring; I don’t have any longings for someone like I am missing them. If I had someone, wouldn’t I feel something? Some sense of someone?”
I wanted to tell her she was right. I wanted to tell her she was safe. But I couldn’t.
“You don’t know what you’re feeling. And I make you feel safe because, right now I’m the only person you have to depend on. That’s all.”
“Don’t tell me what I’m feeling,” she snapped at me.
“I’m trying to stop a huge mistake from happening, Rabbit. One that neither of us could take back,” I snapped back.
“And, you’re so sure it’d be a mistake?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I ran my hand through my hair in vexation. She wasn’t going to let this go. I straightened my shoulders and stared at her steadily.
“Because you want a relationship.”
“And you don’t?”
“No.”
“What do you want?”
I kept my voice flat. “I just want to fuck someone.”
She stepped back in shock.
“But last night you said …”
I laughed humorlessly. “Don’t you get it, Rabbit? I’m a man I’ve been alone for a long time. I’m attracted to you because you’re a woman. Nothing more. And last night? Words. I’m good with words. I’m a writer, remember? It worked didn’t it? I could have had you so easily …” I sneered at her.
Her hand flew to her mouth. I watched her eyes fill with tears of hurt. I went in for the kill.
“Is that what you want, Rabbit? A couple of weeks of mindless, meaningless sex with a stranger? Then you can go back to your life and pretend it didn’t happen? Will you be able to look your husband or boyfriend in the eye when they tell you how much they love you and how happy they are you’re back? I’m happy to accommodate if that’s what you’re after.”
She shook her head, the tears coursing down her cheeks.
I turned my back before I broke down in front of her.
“Just stay out of my way. I won’t take advantage of you anymore. As soon as the roads are clear, I’ll make sure you get to a hospital or police station.”
I heard the sound of her feet as she ran from the room.
My shoulders sagged.
She’d stay away from me now, for sure.