"I know the dress isn't your style," Blaze said. Then the expression on his face changed. "Oh. The clubhouse isn't really your style."
I nodded. "It's not that I don't like it - I really do, most of the guys are great, and you guys really looked out for me, especially after what happened with Guillermo. And it's part of who you are, I understand that. I fell in love with you as a biker."
"But you don't want to get married in a dirty shitty little clubhouse and go riding off on the back of my bike in a leather dress."
"I don't." I exhaled as I said the words, feeling a palpable sense of relief just by uttering them. At the same time, I was apprehensive at his reaction. I didn't want him to think I was rejecting this huge part of him.
A smile spread across Blaze's face. "I'm glad you said it."
"You are?"
"I like the club," he said, pulling me toward him. He took my face between his hands and kissed me on the lips, then on the nose, along my cheekbones. "But when I think about marrying you, it's not in a warehouse filled with bike parts and grease and girls wearing chaps and leather bikini tops."
"It's not," I said. What was he saying, then?
"Nope," Blaze said.
"Why didn't you say anything about it?" I asked.
"After you shot Guillermo, you seemed so into the club," he said. "Like, it was this big magical family ready to take you in." He pulled himself upright against the pillows, and I adjusted to a sitting position across from him, drawing my feet up underneath me and pulling the bed sheet around my naked shoulders. "And it is-I mean, don't get me wrong-they love you."
Well, some of them do, I thought wryly as I listened to him. Others seem to hate me.
"But," he said. "I didn't see myself marrying you at the club."
"You're the one who suggested it."
"No," Blaze said. "Think about who brought it up. Kate brought it up originally. I didn't."
I thought back to the first time we'd talked about a wedding. It was Kate who had brought it up, assuming we'd get married at the clubhouse. I had just assumed too, and gone along with it. She'd acted like it was expected, and I'd acted like Blaze expected it too.
"Isn't it what the club expects?" I asked. "Don't we have to do it that way?"
Blaze shrugged and looked down at the duvet. A dark look crossed his face. "I don't always do what the club expects, you know."
I felt my heart race at his words, and wondered if he meant more than it sounded like he meant on the surface. I'd purposely avoided even asking about the club, knowing that club business wasn't something he'd talk to me about, even if I was his Old Lady. It just wasn't done.
But I had gotten the feeling over the past year that Blaze wasn't as involved in the club as he had been in the past. I'd reasoned that he was visiting me a lot on the weekends, and that he was away. But that was the thing. He was visiting me a lot on the weekends. Probably a lot more than he should have been doing, as the Vice President of the club. I hadn't asked about it, grateful to have the extra time with him and afraid that if I said something, he would - poof - disappear. Like some kind of dream, evaporating because I tried to put words to it.
"What do you want to do?" I asked.
"I want to marry you," Blaze said, taking his hands in mine.
"I can't really see us getting married in a church, " I said. What I saw was us getting married somewhere far away from all the shit that had happened last year. But I couldn't say that, could I? It was selfish to say I wanted to get married somewhere, away from our friends. The club. My father, Benicio - we'd just started to build a relationship.
Blaze laughed. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd be struck with lightning if I crossed the door of a church."
"What, then?"
Blaze studied my face. "Why don't we get out of here, just do it ourselves?"
"You mean, elope?" My heart pounded in my chest. I should have trusted that Blaze wanted the same things as I did.
"I mean, like, why don't we go away for a while," Blaze said. "Get out of here. Ditch it all."
"Permanently?" I asked. "Ditch the club?" I heard my voice catch in his throat. What was he asking?
Blaze shrugged. "Not the club," he said. "I don't know what I'm saying."
"We could elope, get married somewhere else," I said, putting the words in his mouth before he said what I thought he was going to say. Before he said what I feared he would say. But was I afraid he would say we should ditch the club? Or did I want him to say it?
He nodded, leaning forward and grasping my arms. "Let's get out of here, get married on the beach somewhere. Take some time together."
"Leave everything," I said. "For how long?"
"You have all summer, right?" Blaze asked. "Before law school in the fall."
"All summer," I repeated, my mind spinning. I did have all summer. Months of freedom.
With Blaze. No one else.
No club bullshit, no having to interact uncomfortably with the Old Ladies.
No drama.
"Where would we go?" I asked.