"I don't know, man," Axe said. He shrugged. "People in the club have families, keep them separate."
"You think it's possible to keep them separate?" I thought about the people in the club who had kids, families. Shit, Mad Dog and Kate, there was a goddamn functional family - the epitome of healthy. Is that what I wanted?
"You having some kind of personal crisis?" Axe asked.
He asked, and I knew then that this wasn't the same old Axe, the one I could trust. He had to be in Mad Dog's pocket now. "Of course not," I said. "It's not like I'd ever leave the club."
"Does Dani want you to leave?"
"No, man," I said. "She'd never ask me to do that. She knows it's been part of me forever." Did I actually believe that?
"Then what?"
"I don't know. It's all going fine, the gig with Benicio and shit." It was, wasn't it? Then why did I feel so unsettled all the fucking time? The next part came out, without thinking. "It's sometimes that I just get to thinking about where we're headed, what the long term plan is."
"Maybe the shit with Benicio's not going as good as you think," Axe said.
"What do you mean?" I asked. What the hell was going on?
"Shit, dude," Axe said. "Can I give you a piece of advice?" He didn't stop to wait for me to say anything, just plowed ahead, his words slurred. "If there's one thing I learned in the Marines, it's that you have to take it day by day. You think too much about the future, you're dead. In this life, thinking about the future gets you dead."
"I guess so," I said, and I meant every word. Maybe this life wasn't what I needed, after all.
"Hey there, darlin'." Blaze set a cup of coffee on the nightstand beside the bed. I sat up against the pillows, smoothing the crisp white duvet underneath me. When I'd first seen Blaze's place, I'd nearly had a heart attack. I mean, I was no stranger to filthy college dorms, frat houses, that kind of thing-but his place looked like something that should have been condemned a long time ago. I think he was mortified to even show it to me. It was the first thing to go, and we'd gotten a place that was suitable for human habitation, admittedly decorated in a more feminine style. But Blaze swore he didn't mind all the girly stuff, like the ridiculous amount of pillows and the duvet.
"Good morning," I said, my eyes lingering on his bare chest, and on his boxer briefs that did an excellent job of presenting the goods between his legs.
"Afternoon, nearly."
"What?" I sat upright. "How the hell did I sleep all morning?"
Blaze leaned over and kissed me lightly on the lips. "It was probably the good hard fucking I gave you in the afternoon yesterday, if I had to guess."
I punched him playfully on the shoulder. "You think really highly of yourself."
"I've got skills, Dani," he said. "You of all people should know that."
"Wait, don't you have church?" I asked. The first time I'd heard the club meeting called "church," I thought it was so bizarre that they were going to a religious establishment, but I figured, hey, I guess it's like confession for all the bad shit they do, right? When Blaze told me that church was the name for their meetings, I felt like a total idiot.
"Yeah, I've got to run in a bit," Blaze said. "But I have time..." His voice trailed off.
"Time for what, exactly?" I asked, taking my coffee in hand. As if I didn't know what he was talking about.
"Time for another piece of you," he said.
"I didn't hear you come in last night." I changed the subject. I was already asleep by the time he got home. There was some shit I didn't like about the club, and that was one part of it. That, and Mad Dog. I'd seen the way he looked at me. I swear, it was with this weird combination of lust and hate. At least, that's what I thought it was. But Kate was nice to me; they couldn't hate me. But I didn't like Mad Dog and all his screwing around on Kate; what if he was encouraging Blaze to do the same?
Blaze tilted his head to the side. "Are you going to keep worrying I'm going to do something stupid, screw around on you? I know what I've got here at home."
I do trust him, I thought. Reassuring myself. I did, right? So why hadn't I brought up the wedding thing yet?
"Blaze," I said, my hand on his chest. "I trust you. I do. It's just, I don't want you to get hurt. A lot of crazy shit happens at the club." So it was a half-truth I told him. I needed to bring up the wedding. I wanted to bring up the wedding. I was going to bring up the wedding.
Well, that is, until Blaze started slipping his hand up under my tee-shirt.
"Hey, watch the coffee!" I said. "You're asking to get doused." He took it from my hand and set it on the table.
"You never know," Blaze said, wiggling his eyebrows. "Maybe I like a little pain. Could be kinky."
"Yeah, coffee burns are totally hot," I said. "Of course, bikers do like some weird shit."
"We do," he said. "Want to know the weirdest shit we like?"