In the Market for Love

chapter thirteen



Her hands full, Rachel shoved the fridge door closed with her hip and glanced across at the dishes on the kitchen sink. They could wait until morning. She had more important things to do.

Although anxious, she was proud of herself, content in the knowledge that tonight she’d complete what she’d set out to do. She’d invited Jake to her Coogee apartment, cooked an impressive Italian meal and now she was ready to open herself up to him.

She’d tell him about Nick and the photos and what she’d done with them. He might be shocked. He might not.

“Are you sure I can’t help?” Jake called out from the sofa. “I do know my way around a kitchen, you know.”

She walked back into the living room, handed him a long neck of Stella Artois and placed a tall glass of mineral water with a slice of lemon on the coffee table for herself.

“How much time do you spend in the kitchen?” she asked. “I thought you had nannies and gardeners and cleaners and, for all I know, maybe even a cook.”

“I don’t have a cook.”

“And the rest?”

He smiled. “No cook. That’s my answer.”

She sat on the chocolate brown club sofa beside him. Her place wasn’t as flash as his but it was comfortable nevertheless. In fact, she thought the room quite stylish with its white walls, dark polished floorboards and contemporary camel coloured rug.

“I didn’t think you were going to call me.” He leaned forward, his arms resting on his muscular thighs as he placed his beer on the coffee table. “You surprised me.”

“That’s not a bad thing, is it?”

She’d surprised herself too. She tilted back her glass. Though she wished it were alcoholic, she knew knew some things were better done sober.

A surprising sense of calmness and tranquillity overcame her. Jake always excited in her the extremes of emotion – anger, fury, sexual desire. And love? She wanted him but had he moved her to love?

He’d used that word with her once before, saying she had to believe she deserved his love. But the way he’d said it, almost in passing, wasn’t the way a man in love would speak to his lover. And it’d been at the agency function. Hardly an intimate setting.

Did he know what love was? Did he feel the same way she did?

Yet despite her doubts, despite Jake’s presence which alone was enough to intoxicate her, she felt calm. It was the stillness and tranquillity which came from a position of certainty. She was secure in the knowledge that this was the right thing to do.

She had to tell him the truth to build a firm footing for their relationship, whatever the consequences.

He might not want her. That had occurred to her. She didn’t know how he’d react, only that she had to tell him.

“I’m not used to being asked out by attractive women,” Jake said, a teasing glint in his eyes.

“I find that hard to believe.”

He held her gaze. “Maybe you should be more trusting. I made one mistake but that’s behind us and I can assure you I’m not in the habit of lying.”

Rachel flinched. She had her own secrets, her own obstacles to overcome.

He inched closer and slid his hand across hers, sending a frisson of delicate excitement through her. His hand slipped under hers and onto the soft flesh of her thigh, the heat of his hand easily penetrating the thin fabric of her skirt.

Slipping her hand out, she brushed her fingertips across his the fine skin on top of his hand.

She had to tell him before they went any further.

“I’ve been thinking about how you told me I put a wall up around myself,” she said.

“You’ve been thinking about what I said?” Jake sounded surprised as he placed his other hand over hers, enveloping it in both of his.

“There’s a lot I haven’t told you about my past. In fact, I haven’t told anyone.”

“About your husband’s death?”

“Yes and no,” she said. “When Nick died my whole life fell apart. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. I had friends and family looking after me but at times I just wished they’d leave me alone. I didn’t think they could possibly know what it was like to feel even a fraction of my pain.”

“Your husband died. You were grieving. You were allowed to feel sorry for yourself.”

“And I didn’t think it could get any worse.”

She looked at Jake, his brow furrowed, his dark eyes beckoning her to continue.

“I found out Nick had been having an affair.”

She’d said it.

She’d tried to tell other people before. Her friends. But they hadn’t understood. They hadn’t believed her. And years ago she’d got used to being dismissed.

Slowly, Jake removed his hands from hers, placing her hand carefully back on her leg. A bolt of panic shot through her.

He was like her friends. He didn’t believe her.

With a deft delicate touch, so different from the masculine way he’d held her before, he slipped his arm around her shoulder, pulled her closer and pressed his lips against her forehead.

He believed her.

“You don’t seem surprised,” she said.

“I’m not.”

Rachel continued. “It was a woman from his office. I think it’d been going on for a while. I never suspected anything while Nick was alive but when I found out it all made sense. He’d developed a sudden interest in tennis and she was a keen tennis player. It was the usual story. He said he was working late and I believed him.”

“And debts. You said he left you with debts.”

“You can probably guess where they came from. He spent a lot of money on his girlfriend and new flash lifestyle which I wasn’t part of. And I ended up paying for it. But, you know, money was the least of my worries. He kept saying he wasn’t ready for us to have a child. I wanted to, of course, but he kept saying we’d try next year. Always next year. That’s probably the one thing I regret most. I always wanted children.”

“How did you find out?” he asked.

She explained how she’d found photos of Nick with the other woman and had known instantly that they were pictures of two people who were intimate with each other.

Jake held her more closely. “I’m so sorry.”

Would he still feel the same way when she told him what she’d done with the photos? She opened her mouth to tell him but, unable to overcome her fears, she continued on a different slant.

“I always felt like something was stolen from me. Something other than Nick’s life. I never got the chance to face him, confront him about it. I’ll never know if it was some horrible phase he was going through and whether we would have worked things out.”

“You’d have stayed with him?” Jake’s voice was tinged with disdain. “You think you could have worked things out? After he did that to you.”

A wave of trepidation ran through her body. She hadn’t been sure how Jake would react and now she knew. He was disgusted with her. As if her husband’s unfaithfulness were her fault.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“There are some things that are unforgivable.”

Did he think she’d ignored Nick’s infidelity? Or perhaps accepted it? That what had she done was unforgivable?

“I’m trying to talk to you,” she said. “Don’t judge me. I’ll never find out what would have happened, what I would have done, if we could ever have worked things out. I didn’t get the chance.”

Jake gripped her shoulder more tightly. “I’m not judging you. I’m judging him. I don’t know how he could have done that to you. Personally, I’ve been finished with Bianca for a long time. And I never, never had another woman while we were living as a married couple.”

She tried to collect her thoughts. She was talking about Nick. She had to keep it straight in her own mind.

“I don’t know why he did it and I’ll never find out,” she said.

Jake held her gaze. “I stand by what I said. I don’t know how he could have taken you for granted. Did he think he could find someone better? As if that was going to happen.”

He wasn’t blaming her for Nick’s actions. He put the blame firmly where it belonged. With Nick. And he believed her. He wasn’t brushing her off.

He understood.

These weren’t the shallow compliments of a man who wanted to seduce a woman. They sounded more like the words of a man who’d found the right woman. The woman with whom he wants to spend the rest of his life.

What was she thinking? He’d said no such thing.

“There’s something else.” She stared at her hands. “It’s about the photos. For months I didn’t know what to do with them. I know it doesn’t make sense but I couldn’t throw them out. Then I got invited to drinks at Nick’s firm and I knew she’d be there. Nick’s girlfriend. But it wasn’t the way I thought it would be. No matter where I stood, she was always at the opposite end of the room. Always occupied. Always talking to someone.”

Rachel took a deep breath. “When I saw her leave, I followed her to the lift. We didn’t say anything. Just smiled. When the lift stopped, she tried to get out in a hurry but I grabbed her arm. I had the envelope in my hand and when I passed it to her, her mouth fell open. She knew what it was.”

“You gave her the photos?”

“It was the right thing to do. Nick made his choices and I made mine. For me, it was like I gave part of Nick back to someone who wanted him. I know that must sound a bit warped. You probably think I was weak. That I should have slapped her or shouted at her.”

Rachel kept her gaze lowered. “I’ve never told anyone that before. Any of this. After it happened, I tried to talk to about it. I started to tell my friends but either they didn’t believe me or it was too hard for them. My best friends. They’d change the subject. They couldn’t listen and in the end I never told anyone the full story.”

She didn’t dare look up.

“You told me,” he said. “That means a lot to me. You weren’t weak. You were generous at a time when it would have been easier to lash out. And you were very much alone. That must have made it so much harder.”

He pulled her closer, caressed her hair and pressed a gentle kiss against her head. She lifted her gaze to meet his.

“Rachel, you don’t have to be alone any more. We were meant to be together.”

Did he mean forever? What was he offering her? Not marriage. For he was already married.

“It’s hard for me to hear that when I’m not sure if you mean it,” she said.

“Of course I mean it. You told me your deepest secret. You’ve kept it hidden for years. You chose me. There must be a reason for that. You can’t deny it.”

Her lower lip trembled. “All this time, I’ve been pushing you away because I was afraid you’d do the same thing to me that Nick did. I know that’s not fair but that’s how it was.”

“You’re scared,” Jake said. “That’s natural after what you’ve been through.”

“There’s more. This thing with Nick. It’s got me confused. I think…” She struggled with the right words. “I think I got what I deserved. There’s part of me that believes I wasn’t good enough and I got my due. And that same part of me doesn’t believe I deserve something better.”

“Rachel, you deserve the world. Don’t undersell yourself. Don’t underestimate your own strength. You’ve lived through a lot. More than most people. And you haven’t let it beat you. It’s one of the things that make you so beautiful.”

Jake pressed his mouth against her cheek, his breath hot and moist on her bare skin. The fine hairs on the back of her neck stood on end as she drew in a deep breath, only to find her whole body was tingling. She wanted him so much it scared her.

“And now…” Jake’s voice was a whisper. “Now will you give me a chance?”

She felt an overwhelming, all encompassing sense of liberation as though she’d brushed off her past and she was more free than she’d ever been before. She felt lighter. The burden she’d been carrying had been washed away and she could think and move, unencumbered by her past.

Now she could give herself to Jake and take what she wanted. No doubts. Only desire.

She looked up at him through lowered lashes. “Have you been good?”

“I have.”

He nuzzled his head into her neck, peppering her throat with tiny kisses. His arms slid down to her waist and he scooped her up in one swift movement and reclined her into the corner of the sofa. A muffled cry of excitement escaped her lips.

His eyes, hungry with desire, ran along the length of her body as if drinking her in. He brazenly took in her parted lips, bare arching neck and heaving chest, then followed her curves down across her hips and thighs. There was no question what he wanted.

His eyes on her body weren’t enough for her.

“We’ve been good long enough,” she said.

She snaked her arms around the back of his neck to pull him down on top of her. He pressed his lips to her mouth and swept her away in a magnificent, intoxicating kiss. He rolled his tongue against hers and she returned his passion, her tongue filling the space where his had been.

He twisted his arms around her more tightly. She knotted her fingers through his hair and drew him closer.

When she was exhausted, Jake dipped his head down to once again ravish the sensitive skin of her neck, trailing kisses across her collar bones as one hand slid across her waist and up over her ribs.

Her nipples pressed against the fine satin of her bra. His hands were so close to her swollen breasts that she ached for his touch. One by one he undid the buttons of her blouse, then pushed the fabric aside and slid his fingers along her flesh until his hands hit black satin. He pulled aside the fabric of her bra and pushed her breasts together, cupping them in his hands.

His lips were at her throat. He flicked his tongue across her bare skin down to her nipples. He took one into his mouth and sucked gently. A current of electricity shot through her. She let out a throaty moan.

Writhing beneath his touch, her body undulated with desire. His breath was hot on her chest, his mouth pulling harder on her nipples. The charge surged through her body.

His hand slipped over her hips and thighs as he slid her skirt up, exposing her underwear and the bare white flesh of her stomach. His fingers hovered along the top of the fine fabric.

He hooked his thumbs over her panties, slid the scrap of fabric along her legs, and tossed it onto the floor. He tormented her with a touch that was barely there as his hands skimmed her most sensitive flesh.

And he kept tormenting her.

With the slowness of his touch came the realisation, that magnificent moment in limbo, when she knew exactly what was coming. So close to pain, it could have been torture. Then suddenly her body was flooded with waves of ecstatic pleasure. She arched her back and gasped, panting as she dug her hands into his back.

She slumped back into the sofa. Exhausted. Spent.

* * *

Jake’s erection strained against his clothes. Desire burned through his body. He wasn’t sure he had any control left in him.

He wanted to say it. He wanted to tell Rachel it wasn’t too late for another child and a new life, a better one. With him. They could make it happen tonight. His heart was pounding, his body burning, his passion ready to explode.

He’d never felt this desperate for a woman but Rachel wasn’t any woman and he wanted all of her. The whole woman. He didn’t want to take advantage of her emotional fragility after she divulged her deepest secret earlier. Didn’t want her to accidentally slip into his arms because of her heightened state.

He wanted her to choose him and leap into his life with her whole self and her whole body.

For the first time in his life, Jake found himself choked up. He was so close to the thing he wanted most in life yet he knew he had to wait.

Despite the passion surging within him, he gently pulled Rachel’s skirt down over her thighs and brought the two sides of her blouse together.

She sat up. “Jake, what’s wrong? I want you. I thought you wanted me too.”

“I do. That’s the whole problem. I want all of you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’ve been through a lot tonight. You told me something you’ve never told anyone else before. And, understandably, you’re very emotional.”

“I know what I’m doing. I know what I want.”

“So do I. I want you to want me as badly as I want you. Not because you’re still in shock and upset. I want the complete Rachel. And when you’re ready, believe me, I’ll be ready too.”

He opened his mouth to speak again but thought better of it. He wanted to tell her his divorce was under way but decided she’d been through enough for one night. She was still shaken from telling him about her past and he didn’t think he should add to her emotional stress. He could tell her next time. Give her the good news then.

Slipping his arm around her, he enjoyed the sensation as she nestled her head against him as though protected by his size and power.

He stroked her arm and imagined what it would like next time. When she was ready.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he replied.

Having overcome so much together, Jake was so close to what he desired. From here on, nothing could possibly get in his way.