“Ya comin’?” he asks as if this were twelve years ago. He’s smiling, but his eyes always give him away—he’s a bit nervous, too.
Returning a nervous smile, I get out and we walk up the stone walkway to the front door. My brain is greeted with an overload of sensory memories as soon as I step over the threshold into the entryway. Sitting on the floor in front of the door crying with Ryker, eating many Sunday dinners in the kitchen, and having sex up in Ryker’s bedroom swirl through my senses.
Wow.
A few blinks later I focus on a well-built silver-haired man with his back to me in the kitchen. As he turns around, my heart fills with so much joy I think it might burst. Bill greets me with the glorious smile he passed down to his son, and I stride confidently toward him.
“Natalie!” Bill claps once and meets me on the side of the island, pulling me into a bear hug.
“Hi Bill.” I squeeze as tight as I can and am surprised by the tears suddenly spilling down my face.
“God, it’s good to see you, Kid.” He holds me at arm’s length as I wipe my tears.
Dinner’s ready and we settle into our old chairs and enjoy a meal together.
After dinner, Ryker and I are cleaning up the dishes while Bill lights a fire in the fire pit outside. Ryker nudges my side.
“Go ahead outside and talk with him, I’ll finish up in here.” Honestly, I want to stand here and listen to Ryker’s voice all night. It’s sweet. It’s calm. And, I realize, it’s starting to sound like his father’s.
I shoulder up next to Bill at the fire pit. “Thank you for dinner, Bill. It was delicious as always.”
“Any time, Nat.” He smiles.
Focusing on getting to the point, with the encouragement of Dr. Greene playing in my head, I continue, staring into the fire. “Why’d you tell me he was married, Bill?”
Bill lets out a low chuckle, “Ah, Natalie . . . I guess . . . Ryker had just come back from Jackson Hole, and things were finally looking okay for him, but I was still scared, you know? I just figured that the chances of you two running into each other were pretty slim and I wanted to let you know he was really doing okay.” He sighs and continues, “I don’t know, you looked so happy, Kid, I just figured we better leave well enough alone” He shakes his head and looks to the trees.
It occurs to me, sickeningly so, that Bill has been carrying around guilt of his own.
“None of that was your fault, you know . . .” Instinctively I place my hand on his shoulder. He reaches up and grabs hold of it.
“I know. I just wish I’d been more prepared to help him somehow.”
A chuckle escapes me. “No shit. You and me both.”
Bill brings three chairs around the fire pit. As I sit, it’s clear Ryker is taking his time in the kitchen to give his dad and me more time to talk.
“I really want to thank you,” Bill says as he settles into his chair. “And I don’t just mean for all the stuff that happened at the end, I mean all the stuff before that. You were good to my son, Natalie, and that’s the most I could have asked for. You were tough. He needed that. I did too, I guess.”
Pushing back my cuticles with my index finger, I can’t bear to look him in the eyes right now. “I loved him, Bill.”
His tone darkens slightly. “For a lot of people that’s not enough, you know.”
“For me, back then, it was everything . . .”
It’s been so easy to focus on the mechanics of Ryker and me—the good, the bad, the worse—that I’ve forced myself to forget the intensity of the love I felt for him. It swallowed me completely, which is why I carry around this ten-ton bag of remorse over leaving him. I was still in love with him when I left.
“Ryker told me a little about the fight you two got in while he was still on probation.” My morbid curiosity takes over.
“Yeah,” Bill scratches his head for a few seconds before his eyes—absolutely identical to Ryker’s—fade a little, “I was afraid I was going to lose him, Natalie. He got lucky when he crashed my car. He’d only been on the road about two minutes and didn’t get much speed. I knew he needed to just get the hell out of here for a while, you know?”
“I really do.” I nod.
“Anyway, the fight itself wasn’t that bad. He screamed at me about a lot of things, said I made up lies to you about him so you’d leave him . . . all kinds of things.”
“Jesus.” I close my eyes, almost wishing I hadn’t asked. But, just because I don’t ask doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Seeming to sense a need for change in direction, Bill leans forward a bit in his chair. “How are you doing, Natalie, really?”
“Well,” I lean back, crossing my arms and legs, “I’m sure I’ll be fine. Things are just a little rough right now, you know?”
“I’m sorry to hear about the divorce. I don’t know the details, but it’s always a tough choice.”