“You’re such a bitch,” she laughs.
“Well, Jesus, Tosh, we kind of put everything out there the last time we saw each other, and we used to sleep together. There’s not a load of mystery left between us.”
“True. All right, do you want me to, like, stand with you, or just pretend to be browsing herbs nearby?”
I think for a moment. “Herbs nearby.”
“Fine.” She rolls her eyes.
Walking amongst the stands on the common, I spot Ryker immediately. The thought of turning around is tempting. Very tempting. What if he said all he’d needed to say the last time we were together? What if I’m just going to cause more problems? I’m about ten steps from his tent and he spots me. His eyes light up and I can’t help but smile.
“Hey you!” Walking around the side of a table, he pulls me into a tight hug. I let out a breath I think I’ve been holding for ten years.
He smells the same. Every time, he smells the same.
“Hey yourself.” I smile and gesture toward his produce. “You look like you’re doing really well here. That’s great!”
Ryker shrugs, trying to be modest, but I can tell he’s really proud. And, I’m happy for him.
“I was wondering if I’d see you here.” His eyes catch mine and I feel a twinge in the center of my chest.
“Yeah, well, the last few weeks have been busy. I moved out—”
“Sorry, Nat . . .” He places his hand on my shoulder and leaves it there a beat longer than I think he might.
“No, don’t worry about it. It was long overdue. Anyway, I’m also starting to teach some anthro classes at Mt. Holyoke, and I’ll start some at Smith in the fall, as well.”
As if his smile could get any bigger. “I’m really happy for you, that’s awesome. How’s Oliver?”
His question catches me slightly off guard. It still seems weird to be discussing children of mine with Ryker Manning.
“Um . . . he’s fine, but his hearing really seems to be fading fast. Any free time I have is spent studying ASL and I’m starting to use it a bit with him. It’s only been a month since his diagnosis, but I can tell he’s struggling . . .”
“You should bring the boys to the farm sometime, I’m sure they’d love it.”
I smile at his thoughtfulness. They would freaking love it. “Sure, that sounds fun. It’s a bit nerve-wracking taking Oliver places right now—since his hearing kind of fades in and out, I can’t trust that if he’s about to get hurt and I shout his name that he’ll hear me. He kind of needs to be shadowed all the time.”
Ryker excuses himself to help a customer while I study the produce in the baskets around my feet. He did this. All of this came from Ryker . . . Ryker. It starts to choke me up, when he comes back.
“Sorry about that.”
“No worries,” I smile, “you’re busy, that’s good. Listen, I actually came specifically to talk to you about something. I’d like to see your dad.”
Ryker swallows hard as he nods. “He’d really like that. You didn’t have to ask me first, you know.”
“I did, because I was wondering if you’d go with me . . .” I cast my eyes downward for a moment before I remember strict instructions from Dr. Greene to practice looking people in the eyes again. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Nothing to be ashamed of . . . deep breath.
The only problem is, when I look Ryker in the eyes, my insides scramble. He’s the only person I’ve ever loved like that, and the only person who made me feel a loss I never thought I’d recover from. The bookends of every extreme emotion I’ve ever experienced sit right in those gorgeous, endless, blue eyes. The last bit of blue that remains in the sky before day bows to sunset—that’s where I’m staring.
“Of course I’ll go with you. Want to meet me there for dinner? Say, six?”
“Tonight? Okay, that sounds good. See you then.”
Chapter 34
With a long sigh and a fresh batch of butterflies clogging up my insides, I turn into Bill Manning’s driveway. I force myself to think of the good times I had here before the bad times creep in like a low, chilly fog. Okay, yeah, right there—right there—is where Ryker pushed me, and I fell. But, over there is where he swept me, literally, off my feet when he first came home, and we kissed like no one was watching.
I’m purposely a few minutes after six to ensure Ryker would already be here. I’m not really sure why; Bill and I spent loads of time alone together, even after Ryker came home. And, frankly, even when he was in the same room. All the same, I’ve only seen him once in ten years, and it was when I was eight months pregnant . . . and he told me Ryker was married.
Ryker raps his knuckle against my window, alerting me to the fact that I’ve been in a daze for a minute, or more.