"Yeah," he agrees softly, his voice catching.
It keeps ringing and he slowly pulls his fingers from my hair, gently running them down my cheek as he does. A shiver runs down my spine in response and I want to lean into his touch. Luke doesn’t move away, just keeps watching me, a tiny smile on his face and I have to force myself to look away, force myself to walk over and answer the phone. My fingers are still shaking when I pick up the receiver, but whoever was calling is now gone.
∞
I had mixed feelings about Grandma’s funeral. Dad, Seth, Lara, Sam and I travelled together up to Maine to say goodbye to her. We were all upset, my Dad especially, but we were also in some small way, happy or something. Somehow it made it easier knowing she was now with Grandad again, the man who was the love of her life and we could all only smile at that thought. Plus it was a rare occasion I was with my family, with the four people I loved more than anything. I think that car ride up there was the last time I ever got to experience that.
In typical Grandma fashion, she’d taken care of everything. Planned her own funeral right down to the last detail, including the red peonies she wanted for it. The same flowers I would send her year after year.
"So typical of her," Dad said, a smile on his face. "She always did have to make sure everything was how she wanted it."
"Were these her favourites?" Lara asked, smelling the huge bunches of them that had just been delivered.
"I don’t know," Dad said. "I didn’t think she had a favourite."
I wanted to tell them no, they were the reason she was dead in the first place. That they were the flowers I used to send her every year because of my own guilt. But this year when I sent them to her, I’d also caused her death. I don’t know why Dad hadn’t put it all together, he’d seen the flowers that were spilt on the floor when he’d first come up here.
But it was Sam who spoke. It was Sam who said, "Yeah, she loved them." He smiled at me, pulling me into a hug where he whispered only to me, "It’s not your fault babe, you know that."
I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him even closer. I wanted to believe him, I really did. I didn’t say anything though, just smiled when he kissed me on the cheek and pressed against him as he put his mouth to my ear. Kissed his lips when he whispered that he loved me, he would always love me. I finally understood what Grandma had been talking about all those years ago.
∞
I’m locking up the shop late on Friday night, when I notice that Luke is still in the kitchen. I don’t know why I’m surprised, he always says goodbye to me when he leaves now, so I should know he’s still here. When I go in there, I discover he’s pulling out bowls and ingredients and actually looks as though he’s about to start cooking.
"What are you doing, shouldn’t you be packing up?" I ask him.
He looks up at me. "Oh hey Ash, nah I gotta get some things done tonight so I can take tomorrow off, big show remember?" he says smiling.
Yes, the big show tomorrow night. The one Luke nervously asked me to come and see the other day. I don’t know why this show’s any different from all of their others, but it must be a big deal if he’s taking a whole day off work to practice. It makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t go in case I mess it all up for them. But I know I’m kidding myself with that idea because I really want to go and I know in the end I will. He asked me to go, he wants to me to go. I want to go.
"So, you’re going to cook all night?" I ask him.
He smiles up at me, "Yep, for a couple of hours anyway. Do you wanna help me?"
I stand there looking at him. He’s turned back to the cupboard and is busy getting everything ready and doesn’t notice me staring at him. I should go. I should walk away and go home and leave him to it. Staying in here with just him will almost be too much. Staying in here with him and not touching him will be excruciating. I should go.
"Sure."
He looks up from the cupboard he’s crouched in front of, a tiny smile on his face. "Great," is all he says and something inside of me flips.
Everyone else has gone home, so I move away to finish closing up the shop, turning off all of the lights out front and making sure the door is locked. Suddenly, I realise I’m very nervous. I know I shouldn’t be, I’ve spent so much time with Luke before, a lot of it with no one else around. But deep down I know it’s because now, everything has changed. Now I’m allowing myself to feel things. Now I’ve admitted, at least to myself, how I feel about it all, and especially how I feel about him.