I killed her. God, forgive me.
I close my eyes but still see the droplets of blood sprayed all over the wall tiles and the way her body bolted backward with the shot, and then slumped off the chair into a heap on the floor. My stomach lurches. The expression on her face is crystal clear in my mind—the sunken eyes, the hollowed cheeks, and the raspy whisper in which she pleaded with me to end her miserable existence. God, what have we become when we kill people to make their pain bearable? My breath catches in my throat.
“You okay?” a voice asks.
It’s not okay.
“Not really.” That’s the thing about emotions. You can’t control them. The only thing you can do is hope you’ll find a way to somehow keep your head above water.
Immediately, I want to be alone. No one tries to stop me as I shove through the door and skid into the dimly lit hallway. My bloodied boots stick to the floor as I bolt. My eyes flood with tears, and a moan escapes my lips. I hear myself, but it doesn’t sound like me. No words can describe how I feel or what is going through my mind. I’m passing several blackened doorways when it hits me.
My old room.
I screech to a stop. The door’s wide open, but it’s dimly lit. Inside, I can barely make out the wall I painted so many months ago. My bed’s still on the right side with rumpled covers. I go in, sit down, put my head in my hands, and let myself cry.
The tears cascade down my face, and my stomach muscles clench from the force of my grief. I try to wipe the tears away, but to no avail. They just keep coming. I feel pressure on the bed and turn to find Zeus, who snuggles up against me. He pushes my arm so that I have to put it around his head.
I’m relieved to see him, but I can’t find the words to tell him what I’ve done. I know Amber wasn’t the nicest person; in fact, I didn’t even like her. And I know she asked me to do it. But it’s still unnatural to kill someone in cold blood, no matter how much you dislike them and no matter how much they beg. I constantly find myself in the position of having to weigh the consequences of my actions. If I didn’t do it, she would’ve suffered and endured a very painful death. If I hadn’t killed so many guards, my friends and I would’ve died instead. If we don’t rescue Sutton, Wilson will kill him. If I don’t kill Wilson, this will never end.
It’s just too much for my head. I swallow my tears for a moment and let my eyes drift to the painting on the wall.
Cole’s eyes stare back at me through the red and black paint. I can’t even trust him, and yet I love him, maybe more than anything. And then, I see Lexington Bay, with my father and Alyssa, sitting together. Maybe Amber’s with them now, pain-free. Maybe, in another life, she wouldn’t be so hateful of others because she’d have a chance to start over.
Last, I focus on the Hole getting blown to pieces in the painting. This is the one part of the painting I want to come true so bad that it hurts. Just thinking about how amazing it would be to live a life free of brands, free of hatred and corruption, pains me. I want it all and want it to happen without costing everything and everyone I love. I wipe my tears with tightened fists.
I miss my dad. I miss Alyssa. I miss Keegan, standing here with me and telling me he loves me. I wish he’d walk in without knocking like he used to. I hated it then, but I’d give anything, anything, to see him again. And Sutton, being beaten in front of my eyes. God, it’s too much. I groan from the depths of my soul, unable to control my emotions as they spill out. I struggle to breathe. And what of Cole? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I never dreamed he could keep a secret like that from me, that he would lie to me.
My hands continue to tremble. Before I know it, I’m down on my knees, my hands against the wall, praying in broken whispers.
“Please, give me the strength to fight evil with good. Give me the wisdom to know the difference. Help me to never lose myself in all this hatred, lies, chaos, and sickness … ” I stop as a tear trickles down my cheek, and my voice cracks. “Please protect Grace and the baby growing within her. And please, please, help us save Sutton before it’s too late. I can’t bear to lose him.”
I sit back on my heels, allowing Zeus to scamper down beside me. I turn my head and kiss his waiting face. I sniffle and bury my face in his warm neck. He allows me to cry into his fur, sitting patiently as I grasp him like a scared child with a huge teddy bear. I pull away, catching my breath and letting him settle half on my lap. I can’t help but laugh through my tears. A gentle peace comes over me, and I straighten my back.
“What would I do without you?” I ask. His ears perk up just as I hear steps behind me.
“Is it all right if I come in?” Cole’s voice reverberates through my small room, and I flip my body around.