Finding his hand, I lace my fingers with his, kiss the top of his hand, and then press it against my clammy cheek. Perspiration has gathered above my lips, and I use my forearm to wipe it away. It might have been just a nightmare, but it felt so real. My chest aches, my heart pounds, and anxiety crushes me. I squeeze my eyes shut and allow Cole’s arms to comfort me.
“Promise me,” I say in a shaky voice. “Please … promise you’ll never leave me, because without you … ”
“Shhhh, stop.” I feel his heart beating against me. “Try to relax.”
“But in my nightmare, you left me because I’m a Sinner, and I am, and you’ll never be able to change that—”
“Lexi. I need you to listen to me for a minute. Can you do that?”
I nod.
“Good.” He gives me his crooked smile. “Guards are trained to suppress their feelings, show no remorse, and be intimidating. You do as you’re told. Nothing more. Nothing less. I watched as friends of mine were shot point-blank in the head. One of them for shedding a tear, another for carrying a Sinner to the hospital because she couldn’t walk, and another one because he handed his drink to a little girl who was dying of dehydration.” He clears his throat. I cringe. “If you show any sign of weakness, you’re executed. You have no idea what I went through to prove to the Commander that truly, my heart was made of stone. He used to call me ‘the rock.’ And I was a rock; I was full of hatred and angry all the time.” Cole pauses; a strange look crosses his face. “Even when I killed people, I felt nothing.” He lowers his head, and I think I see sadness and regret on his face.
“Oh my gosh … that’s terrible. I’m so sorry, Cole.”
“So now, can you understand why I couldn’t let myself care about you?”
“Yes,” I say, resting my head on his arm.
“My life depended on it, but it didn’t matter. I failed miserably. And I fought like hell to stop myself from having any kind of feelings for you at all. Believe me; I did. I was furious with myself for a long time. Furious because feelings make you weak, and I’m not weak. Being around you … made me feel. That terrified me. My only option was to get away from you. So I filled out the transfer paperwork and was getting ready to hand it in on the day you came to me about Alyssa, begging and pleading with me to let you help her.” He sighs. “I made a promise to myself that after she died, I would leave you.” He tucks his face into the crook of my neck, tickling my ear with his breath. “But being around you was like being stuck in quicksand, the more I tried to get away, the deeper I sank.”
“And now you’re stuck?” I smile.
“Something like that. You’re my quicksand. Before I met you, my life was work and allegiance to the Commander. Before you, I had no idea people could care about one another like you cared for Alyssa, like I was starting to care for you.” He takes a deep breath. “When we had our little date, she called me out on my bullshit. She said it was obvious how much I cared for you. And of course, I told her I didn’t, because at the time, I truly believed that. But then she said something to me. Something that changed everything.”
I scrunch my eyebrows and ask, “What did she say?” My stomach flutters with anticipation.
“She said, ‘Maybe you should think about this: how would you feel if Lexi was assigned a new guard?’”
“She said that?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow.”
“Tell me about it. And it was the strangest thing; it was as if she knew what I had planned. But there’s no way she could have. She was just an amazing little girl, perceptive and way smarter than most people three times her age.”
“She was such a beautiful, amazing little soul. Much too young to die.”
“But it’s what she said next that brought it home for me. She told me to close my eyes and picture you with someone else.” He kisses my neck and rubs my arm. “And when I did, instantly, I felt a knife slice my heart open. Jealously and rage shot through me. It was then I realized that being away from you would kill me. So, that night, I shredded my transfer papers and made the decision that my life was now mine, not theirs.”
I picture tiny, sickly Alyssa putting Cole on notice, and it makes me smile. A tear drops down my cheek. I wish she were here so I could hug her and tell her again how much she changed my life. Our lives.
“I cared about her too, you know,” he says. “And the day before she died, she made me promise her something … and it’s a promise I’ll never break.”
He doesn’t even have to say the words; I already know what she asked of him, because it’s who Alyssa was, a caring and loving little girl. No matter what, she could always see the good in everyone, even when others couldn’t see it in themselves.
“You promised her … you would never leave me.” The words just roll of my tongue, and I bite my lip.
“Of course I did.” He kisses my head. “But even if she hadn’t asked me, I wouldn’t have anyway. Because, at that point, I was protecting you for myself, not because I was ordered to.”
“I had no idea, Cole. I really thought you hated me.”