“How do you know I like him?” I had asked.
“It’s painfully obvious, Brooke,” Dad replied. “You think I’m an idiot?”
I grinned. “Are you okay with it if I do date him? I mean, we haven’t established anything yet.”
“Yes,” Dad replied, and that word heightened my ecstasy.
I listened as Gretchen peppered me with questions.
“Are you two dating?” she asked.
“No.”
“Will you?”
“I hope.”
“When can I meet him?”
“Soon.”
“Was he better than Finn?”
Silence.
“Oh God, Brooke. I’m sorry,” Gretchen said. “That was a really stupid thing to say.”
My euphoria started fizzling, and I was pissed.
“Brookey?” Gretchen asked tentatively.
“He’s nothing like Finn,” I said.
“I know. I shouldn’t have asked that. It just slipped out. You know how I don’t think sometimes.”
I grunted and sat up in bed.
“Are you totally pissed?” Gretchen asked.
“No.”
Gretchen didn’t believe me. I could tell by her next statement.
“You wanna just talk later?” she asked. I could tell she was itching to get off the phone.
“Yes,” I replied, and hung up before we exchanged goodbyes.
I tossed the phone aside and scratched my head.
I was just fine a minute ago. Actually I was ecstatic at the prospect of someone new. Someone who could make me deliriously happy. I actually convinced myself for a second that I deserved to be happy. I don’t know why. I’m not sure I’d done anything to earn it, and Gretchen reminded me with the mention of Finn’s name. Now the memories came flooding back. Our secret trysts. Beth’s obliviousness. Her rape. I could not escape it. Why didn’t I just go to that party with her?
My biggest fear lay in the possibility that I would never be able to let go of my guilt, that it would twist and turn me into something wretched. Mom always taught me to never find my happiness or self-worth in another individual, and I tried hard to adhere to that advice, but I couldn’t deny how I felt when I was around Ryan. He was a savior to me. When I was with him, all of the hurt and guilt vanished. I thought he had the ability to put my brokenness back together. Maybe that wasn’t progressive. Maybe that wasn’t all “liberated woman,” but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to spend my every waking moment with him because when I was with him, I felt safe.
But the warrior in me who was resolute in her commitment to Beth kept warring with the girl in me who wanted to hide behind Ryan. I recognized that both girls couldn’t win out in the end. Still, while I didn’t know how I’d make it work, I was determined to have both. To be both. I was greedy and selfish, and in my petulant state I thought that Beth would just have to get the hell over it.
***
“You’re out,” Terry said after work. I was hanging around while he cleaned the grills because he told me he had news.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Out. Off the list. Cut.”
I knew there was a huge problem with my psyche that I was actually mad about it. Mad about it.
“Why?” I asked.
“I don’t know. But I wouldn’t take it personally,” Terry replied. “I’m sure it’s got nothing to do with the way you look.”
I scowled at him, and he grimaced.
“Yikes. Keep making faces like that and maybe it does have something to do with your looks.”
I punched his arm.
“Ow!”
“Is Cal scheduled to play yet?” I asked.
“No.”
“Well, maybe that’s why,” I said, mostly to myself.
“What are you talking about?” Terry asked.
“I think he likes me,” I said. “Maybe he didn’t want me to be chosen for someone else’s team after all. Maybe in the beginning he didn’t care. And now? Well, it’s obvious he does.”
Terry eyed me sternly. “You better be careful.”
“I’m being careful,” I said, pulling my tip money out of my apron and organizing the bills.
“Figured out what you’re gonna do with all this information I’m giving you?” Terry asked.
“Yes. I plan on talking to some of these girls,” I said.
“And what makes you think they’ll tell you anything?” Terry asked.
“Well, I don’t know that they will. But I have to try,” I said.
The truth was that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I thought part of my meddling was clearly due to pure fascination with the whole Fantasy Slut League. How could this be going on and no one know about it? It made no sense. And how did these boys know how to rate the girls? Someone was feeding them information, and that someone had to be a girl. It’s not as though girls are going to admit their level of sexual activity to another guy. But they would talk with another girl about it. Who was this girl? And why would she participate in something so licentious?
“You gonna give me some of that tip money as payment?” Terry asked.
I looked at him shocked. And then it turned to embarrassment. I felt it on my cheeks, burning red like Christmas tree lights.