“Oh my God,” she breathed.
He plucked the phone from her hand, muttering curses. “Every time I tried to do something for you, it backfired. I tried to save you, and the hearing officers were suspicious. I tried to give you a clue in conversation, and I made you feel like I’d abandoned you. I tried to email you, and I sent the email to the very person who’d forbidden me to contact you. Honestly, Julia, were it not for the fact that I hoped that someday we would be having this conversation, I would have stepped out into rush hour traffic on Bloor Street and ended it.”
“Don’t say things like that. Don’t even think it.”
Julia’s sudden show of fierceness pleased him, but he found himself back-pedaling quickly. “Losing you was a low point for me. But suicide isn’t an option I’d entertain again.” He gave her a look that seemed to signify much more than he could say at that moment.
“Jeremy was furious. He’d put his career and his department on the line to help me and I’d gone behind his back two minutes later. Now he had proof, in writing, that I was breaking my agreement with the committee. I had no choice but to do whatever he said. If he sent my email to the Dean, the repercussions would have been devastating for both of us.”
At that moment, Gabriel and Julia were interrupted by Rebecca, who joined them on the patio, carrying a pitcher of homemade lemonade garnished with a few frozen raspberries that floated delicately in the cloud of yellow. She served their drinks with an encouraging smile and vanished back into the house.
Gabriel drank greedily, enjoying his reprieve.
“So?” prompted Julia, sipping her lemonade.
“Jeremy told me to stay away from you. I had no choice. He held Damocles’s sword in his hand.”
“He let you go?”
“With a handshake and a promise.” Gabriel grimaced as the memory of that dreadful conversation haunted him. “He showed me mercy. Then more than ever I felt obligated to keep my word. I resolved not to contact you directly until you were already assured your place at Harvard.”
Julia shook her head stubbornly. “But what about me, Gabriel? You made a lot of promises to me. Didn’t you think about keeping them?”
“Of course. Before I left Toronto, I put the textbook in your mailbox. I thought you’d find the passage in Abelard’s letter and read what I wrote on the back of the photograph.”
“But I didn’t realize it was from you. I didn’t even look at it until the night you came to see me. That’s why I was running outside. I didn’t have an internet connection in my apartment and I wanted to email you.”
“What would you have said?”
“I don’t know. You have to understand that I thought you’d had enough of me. That you’d decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.” Tears sprang to Julia’s dark eyes, and she brushed them aside.
“I’m the only one in this relationship who was never worth the trouble. I knew I’d put myself in a situation in which I was careless with your heart. But it wasn’t done to hurt you. It was pride and bad judgment and mistake after mistake.” He looked down at his hands and began to turn the wedding ring around his finger.
“Katherine Picton tried to help me. She said she’d see that the university left you alone during my absence and that she would do everything she could to help you graduate on time. She mentioned that an old friend of hers had left the Department of Romance Studies at Boston University in order to take a position at UCLA. She wanted my permission to nominate me as his replacement. I asked her to go ahead.
“I interviewed for the position, and while I waited for their decision, I went to Italy. I had to do something to shake myself out of my depression before I did something I would regret.”
Julia’s stomach suddenly tightened. “Something you would regret?”
“Not women. The mere idea of being with someone else made me sick. I was more worried about other—vices.”
“Before you go any further, I need to tell you something.” Her voice was stronger and more determined than the will behind it.
Gabriel began to watch her carefully, wondering what in the world she was about to reveal.
“When I told you that my relationship with Paul didn’t go beyond friendship, what I said was true. Technically.”
“Technically?” Gabriel’s eyebrows flew up and his voice lowered to a growl.
“He wanted more. He told me he loved me. And we—kissed.”
Gabriel was silent for a moment or two, and Julia watched as his knuckles whitened.
“Is Paul who you want?”
“He was a friend to me when I needed one. But I never had romantic feelings for him. I think you know this already, but you ruined me for other men when I was seventeen.” Her voice trembled.