But then it抯 over, and I couldn抰 tell you what team won because all I know is that despite feeling like I抦 on the verge of disaster in my work life, I feel like the most victorious woman alive.
I let myself hook a finger through Meyer抯 belt loop on our way out, wrap my other hand around his arm as we walk.
Shauna, Kara, and I make plans to meet up and go out that night, before they go their separate ways. When they抮e gone Meyer frowns down at me and asks, 揂re you sure you don抰 want me to stay? Marissa is there anyway tonight, and Haze will be asleep by the time I get home?and I could still be there in the morning.?He looks unsure even as he says it, but my mind swan dives into the gutter at the question, nonetheless. I抦 thinking he means stay, stay. Like, with me. The night. 揢h厰 I stammer.
揑 mean to help, like, socially,?he clarifies, clearing his throat and folding his arms across his chest. 揋o over the parts in your set you抮e trying to work out and stuff, too, maybe.?
揙h! Okay. Well, no, that抯 okay. No social lubricant required here.?God, poor choice of words, Fee. Thank God you stopped before you said you were wet and ready or something equally terrifying. 揑抣l be totally fine. And, we抳e got time to work on the material. It抣l be good for me to do a girls night,?I shrug. Marissa and Meyer might be my only close friends, but I already feel a kinship with Kara and Shauna, so I don抰 feel anxious about that, exactly.
He smiles lopsidedly and nods before he looks down at his phone. 揂lright. Uber抯 two minutes away.?
揙h okay梱ou don抰 have to go get your bag from the concierge??
揑 do, but I just added a stop. I, uh, figured we抎 just share it back to your hotel and then I抣l take off from there.?
I already regret not taking him up on staying, but don抰 see a smooth way to rewind. 揙h! Okay, well?Do you have time to get some food before you gotta hit the airport? I actually kind of do think that maybe we should start going over some material.?That was lame.
But he looks down at his phone and winces apologetically, so I speak again before he can. 揘o, no, never mind. Of course. Honestly, I抦 so full of nachos at this point anyway, my reflux is going to be a bitch later.?
The car pulls up, and we ride back to the hotel in that weird, strained, smothering silence that we抳e managed to avoid lately.
We get back too soon, and before I know it I抦 looking up at him on the sidewalk in front of the hotel. At the muscles in his jaw as they work, flaring out. His hands slide into his pockets.
揧ou抮e sure you don抰 want me to stay even for a bit? I could just catch the later flight. There抯 one more first thing in the morning.?
Years of manners have me speaking on auto reply again. 揘o, really. I don抰 want to keep you from Hazel anymore than I already am. It抯 all good.?There was my chance, and I blew it. Again.
He nods, then turns around and walks through the revolving doors, but stops short when we step into the lobby. I run into him with a little oof, ass to abdomen, before he turns back to me.
揝hould we have a?a check-in conversation? On this??He gestures back and forth between us. 揑抦 not棓 His sigh is so frustrated it blows a lock of hair off my face. 摋I抦 not overstepping, am I? I realize that I told you I抎 be more comfortable if you took the reins on the affection stuff, and then I抳e kind of?Well, maybe I抦 getting too comfortable. You抳e gotta let me know Fee. Please.?
He sounds tortured, and I hate it. I hate that it抯 become so difficult to say exactly what I抦 feeling and what I want, to put thoughts to words. That it抯 seeping into everything, now, even into my work. Despite never sharing my more repressed feelings with him, everything else was so easy before.
揗y厰 I抳e had the chance before to lay it out there, with alcohol as an excuse, and even then I chickened out.
You can抰 keep doing the same things and hoping for different results, though. So, I won抰 let my friend feel this exposed or vulnerable, not when it抯 the last thing he deserves and he抯 all that I want.
I reach out for his hand, push my thumb along his palm and drag it, a place for my eyes to focus. 揗eyer, I桰 like it. I抦?I抦 enjoying this. More than I should, I think. To the point of distraction. I think we just do what comes naturally and what feels good, now, yeah??
I allow myself one more blink, a little pause when my lids close, before I hazard looking up at him again, hoping to see relief. But his face is held tighter, if that抯 possible.
揅an I kiss you again??he asks, and I can抰 help the smile that pulls on my lips.
揧es.?And he does. And I know there are people around with their phones, but I somehow know this is for me and because he wanted to. Could just be lust-based, but I know it抯 not for show this time.
He holds himself with restraint, for which I抦 thankful, because I don抰 trust myself not to do something embarrassing like try to burrow beneath his shirt just to feel his skin on me at this point, lobby or not.
His lips smile against mine and our tongues lightly bump into one another. A little happy sound pops out of me, a throaty chuckle in response from him. It抯 brief, but everything.
When he breaks away, he抯 trying and failing to repress a smile. The Uber honks from outside. 揋o,?I say, smiling back. Because I抦 somehow calmer now, reassured. That edge taken off just enough, even as joy surges through my body, pushing beneath my skin and ready to break free.
揂lright. I抣l call you later.?
揅all me when you land??Okay, that was ridiculous, but he smiles bigger at it.
He trips a little, walking backwards to the doors, but catches himself and laughs. 揙kay.?
17
18 MONTHS AGO
揂 day without sunshine is like, you know, night.?- Steve Martin
MEYER
I love drunk Fee. She抯 even more unhinged than normal. The man that still exists somewhere buried deep within me can抰 help but preen a bit at how her eyes linger a little more when she抯 this way, biting her lip occasionally. I let myself think that the drunk her is into me, only because I know I抣l never do anything about it.
The rest of me rolls my eyes at myself, and is mildly disgusted at that pervert, though.
Being drunk together may have not been a wise choice, I抦 realizing, but numbing my brain felt like the only choice tonight. After I couldn抰 even come through for her, after I embarrassed myself on stage.
I look down at the three-foot-long, neon, plastic drink cup in my hand with the matching swirly straw. The thing blurs in and out of focus as I slurp loudly.
Ah. Bummer. Empty again.
I set it on top of a slot machine and blow a raspberry at it before I wander after Fee. Even in my state, she抯 easy to track with the balloon animal hat bobbing around. My hand flaps around my own head to make sure I still have mine.
Fee gasps, then, pointing to the 24-hour restaurant sign. 揑 require a BURGER. Tallyho!?
I nod my agreement silently and follow behind, throwing glares at the dudes whose eyes peruse her too comfortably, or for too long.
Oh yeah, man. I抦 sure you抮e menacing as fuck in the balloon hat.
Time fades and goes a bit blurry again, but I manage a cognizant moment when I look across the booth at her. She chews a supremely large bite of her burger with a moan, eyes closed, balloon hat askew, cheese and sauce on her chin.
That抯 mine, I think. She抯 mine.
It抯 as if I抳e said it out loud because her eyes shoot open, and she swallows the bite audibly. 揥hat? You can抰 catch me off guard with the eyes like that, My.?
揕ike what??
揟hey抮e like a weapon you wield when you look a certain way. You hit women with that stern gaze and it抯 like you抮e compelling them to take off their clothes.?
I close them, then open them dramatically as far as they抣l go, stretching them until she starts cackling. When it fades, she sets the burger down with intent, pats her mouth primly with a napkin. 揗eyer棓
Raucous cheering and whooping sounds to my left, pulling our attention that way.
揑 CAN扵 BELIEVE WE扲E MARRIED!?the woman shouts.
揌EY EVERYONE! THIS IS MY WIFE RIGHT HERE!?the man declares, puffing his chest out proudly. I make the mistake of catching his eye. 揑抳e loved this woman for a decade, man,?he declares shakily, his eyes unmistakably filling with tears.
揑抳e loved you longer, baby. As long as I can remember,?the woman wails, before they begin making out violently.
揓e-sus.?I wince when they almost topple over. I look back to see Fee wearing a sad expression as she watches them.
She raises a wobbly finger their way. 揟hat抯 what I want,?she says. And it catches me so off guard that I scoff at her.