Hazel抯 slap on my thigh stings and I catch her eyes in the mirror as she laugh-apologizes. 揟hat was harder than I meant to! You and Dad both have the same brain bug tonight!?
揥hat do you mean??I sign, dropping the mass of her stiffly sprayed curls.
揌e was doing the same thing. Spacing out. And had the same dumb look on his face.?She tilts her head and stares off to the side, an open-mouthed, lopsided smile, miming exaggeratedly.
I tap her shoulder with the back of my hand, admonishing her with a laugh. She tilts her face up to me and grins. She抯 got the same colored eyes as Meyer, that clear blue that抯 so crystalline it can be hard to look at. Like a block of ice, just as difficult to hold for long. Just as sharp. I set the brush down again.
揑 have a lot going on with work. And your Dad is helping me, like always. I抦 sorry if he抯 acting厰 I struggle for the right way to say it in ASL. 揟ired because of it.?
揑 know he抯 not tired. He抯 bouncy.?
揑 thought you just said he looks like this,?I mimic her impression and she laughs.
揌e抯 either bouncy or he stares like that. And you guys are weird with each other.?
揥hat on Earth are you talking about??I pick up the brush to occupy my hands and limit myself from saying anything further.
揑抦 Deaf. Not blind,?she manages to deadpan in ASL and I clamp my lips together, refusing to laugh, trying to look stern even as a snort escapes.
揟hat joke is inappropriate, Hazel.?
揧ou can抰 be funny if you don抰 take risks. It would have been bad if you said it. It抯 okay if I do.?
揑抣l go check her in if you want to grab us seats,?I tell Meyer as we walk up to the auditorium.
揂lright,?he smiles at me. I idly wonder if his smiles are getting tired from how much more frequently they flicker lately.
揋o kick ass, and be proud of the work. The reward is in the work. I抦 proud of you. I love you,?he signs to Haze. The same dad speech he gives before every recital. The first time he said it Hazel and I frowned at each other, then at him, until he explained that it was what came to mind since it was what his dad always said to him before his football and baseball games. 揑 thought it still applied.?He抎 shrugged.
She laughs as usual. 揑抣l kick ass, dad. I love you.?
I get Hazel backstage and get her settled with her teacher before we do our affirmations.
揥hat I don抰 hear, I feel. What they lack in knowing I make up for in showing,?we sign together. The rhyme itself is not translatable by rhythm or phonological sound, but its meaning is the same. We抳e said it since she first began doing this, back when she was worried she couldn抰 do it well enough because of her frame of understanding. I told her how every artist feels that way. How we all wonder if what we feel is making it to the stage, microphone, page, or canvas well enough. That we can抰 ever know what they understand, all we can do is use our tools and what we feel, put our hearts into it, while keeping it good for ourselves, first and foremost. I don抰 actually know if Meyer himself has heard this, but I suspect that it抯 just for her and I.
We salute each other before I turn to head out, my smile stuck on my face, not able to loosen quite yet, when I hear an overloud chuckle and a 揌ey!?off to my right. I turn to a man I vaguely recognize.
揙h, hey,?I offer back, still walking.
揑t always surprises me when I see you at these things,?the man says. 揑抦 Pete, by the way. Riley抯 dad.?
I continue to smile politely, but crane my neck to look for Meyer.
揧eah. It抯 like I can抰 reconcile it, you know??he adds. And I do suspect that I know, actually, because I抳e caught this guy抯 eye before at these things. Have felt his judgmental stares. And yet, I ask.
揥hat do you mean, Pete??
揝eeing you here, at these kids' events all the time. I see you with your little girl, all cute and heartwarming, but all I can hear is you talking about wanting men to up their dirty talk game, and that bit about being Dora the Expl-whore-ah in college with a backpack full of condoms and dreams. That shit is funny as hell, by the way.?
揑t抯 called a joke, Pete,?I say with force. Not here, just not here, please. It touches some raw and tender spot in me, a hot iron to broken flesh.
He seems like he means no harm, and I抦 sure he only meant to be relatable, but the last thing I want is to wonder if everyone here is judging me, thinking I抦 not fit to be in Hazel抯 life.
揌ey angel, you doing okay here??Meyer抯 voice finds me as his hand presses into my back, and I turn to see him glaring daggers at Pete. 揚ete. Riley抯 about to head onstage. You抮e going to miss it.?
Our dear Pete remains completely unaware. Clueless as to the emotional grenade he抯 just pulled the pin from. 揂h. Okay. See you guys.?He says with a pointedly dumb smile and wave. Hope your pillow is always hot, Pete.
Meyer抯 eyes lower to mine, then. 揥hat the fuck did he say to you??He seethes.
揘othing that I didn抰 already think myself, My. It抯 okay. He抯 stupid, but meant no harm.?
揗eant or not, if there抯 harm we抮e going to address it.?
揙h, are we now??I raise a brow. He raises one back. 揘o harm here,?I say, blinking lazily, wishing my mind was like one of those View Master toys I had as a kid. I抎 simply click away from that last picture, focus on the next one. The one that抯 right before me and the one that抯 coming up on that stage soon. I smile.
揧ou know you have the best smile? It抯 really hard not to automatically smile back, even when it抯 one of your sadder ones.?Meyer says.
It抯 almost an audible thing, really, the way my heart punches against the bones in my chest. It抯 like the drum solo in that fucking Phil Collins song, it becomes so all-consuming. 揗aybe you shouldn抰 fight it so hard, then.?He just nods in response, his head swiveling down as he steps even closer.
揑?I didn抰 think about people being here and asking you about?about us. Or trying to take more pictures or anything,?I say.
His frown snaps up to my face. 揇on抰 worry about that, Fee. It抯 in the contract for the school and for their dance program. Too many other famous people抯 kids go here for them to be lax on those things. It won抰 be an issue.?
揙h. Okay. Okay good.?I suppose that posturing must抳e been just to put Pete in his place, then?
揧ou ready to head in??
揧ep.?
He lays out an arm and holds open the door with the other for me. As I pass him and step into the darkened room, his free hand slips up to the back of my neck and lightly presses as we walk. He keeps me close to his side this way, I feebly try to tell myself. It抯 just to guide us to our seats. It抯 not a possessive hold. It抯 a practical one.
It抯 for show. It抯 in case anyone抯 watching.
But it抯 difficult to see anything outside of the illuminated stage in this room.
No one would be able to see the way his thumb lightly traces the knobs of my spine there.
No one would be able to see the way his arm dangles over his armrest and onto my seat, either. The way his knuckles trace the skin of my thigh every so often throughout the show. The way I lean to the side to get closer, until the outside of my breast touches the side of his bicep.
Even if they were all looking this way, they抎 surely miss how he looks down at me and smiles, mouths 搕hank you?silently after Hazel抯 contemporary solo moves me to tears.
They wouldn抰 see the way he leans down to kiss my cheek, or the way I shamelessly turn into it at the last second so that it lands on the corner of my mouth. How, in the dim lighting, I see one of my tears glisten on his bottom lip, and the tip of his tongue as it darts out across it.
No, no one else could see that but us.
16
NOW
揥hen humor works, it works because it's clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.?- Tina Fey
FARLEY
I抦 a woman distracted.
A woman on the brink of my truest vision of success, and yet one who can抰 seem to think up a joke to save my life.
Anytime I attempt it, my mind wanders to Meyer. To the way he looked when Marissa and I joined him and Hazel on Thanksgiving. The house was warm, with music on full blast as we walked in. We抎 knocked, but weren抰 heard over the volume. He never has music going on continually in the house, let alone blaring like that. I抳e always assumed this was just a byproduct of having his only other cohabitant unable to hear, of course. Still, it caught Marissa and I both off guard when we let ourselves in, only to find them dancing in the kitchen. What caught us more off guard was how, when he saw us standing there, wearing dumbfounded expressions, he wasn抰 at all deterred.