From This Moment On

13



“WHAT DID YOU DREAM about, Nikki?” Trace asked out of the blue. He shifted his gaze from the glowing moon and stars shining against the dark sky to her face. “When you were a kid, what did you want to be or do?”

She lay beside him on the blanket, both of them looking up at the stars, completely naked. Her left palm was pressed to his right palm, their fingers intertwined. “When I was really little, like second or third grade, I wanted to be an astronaut.”

“A what?”

“Hey. It could’ve happened.”

“I’m sure you could be anything you set your mind to. It just wasn’t what I expected, is all.”

“Remember I lived in Houston. NASA wasn’t far and was always in the news. Turns out I didn’t really want to be an astronaut,” she admitted. “I thought if I had a big important job, then my father would love me.”

Trace touched her cheek. “He didn’t even deserve you.”

She smiled, shrugging. “I guess every kid with divorced parents or who was abandoned has an ‘if only’ version floating around in their heads. It’s no big deal.”

“I reckon you’re right. Even after my dad died I kept thinking if only I hadn’t argued with him over that stupid dance...”

“You don’t still go there, do you?”

“No, not for a long time. We had a great relationship and I focus on that.”

She squeezed his hand. “Look at my poor brother. After all he went through he never completely let go of wanting to please Wallace. In February Matt found a stack of articles going back to the beginning of his rodeo career. They were hidden in Wallace’s desk, but did he have the decency to say a word to Matt?”

Nikki breathed in the fresh Montana air, unwilling to let the old man ruin her night. He was gone and couldn’t hurt them anymore. Unless she allowed it.

Trace shifted so that he could put an arm around her, providing a nice comfy spot for her head to lay on his shoulder.

“You know what, though...? I scored because I ended up with having Matt for a brother. I’d trade a father for him any day.”

“Matt’s a good guy. I’m glad for both you and my sister.” He kissed her hair, then smiled at her. “I’m not doing too badly, either.”

He did look happy.

But for how long?

The unwelcome thought sneaked in before she could block it. Tonight was about tonight, and that was it. One brief moment in the whole scheme of things. They’d had sex, so what? She’d only hurt herself if she started confusing hormones and unjustified feelings for Trace with a future that would magically fall into place.

“So,” he said, “once you nixed the rocketing into space thing, what then? What did little Nikki have a hankering for?”

She sighed. “Little naive Nikki woke up and figured out dreaming was for fools or people who had time and money to spend.”

“Come on now, you don’t mean that.”

“I do,” she said with a laugh, mainly to tone down her pessimistic words. “What about you? What haunted your dreams?”

“Haunted, huh?” He rested a cupped hand on her breast. Somehow instead of being suggestive, it was a casual, comfortable touch. Still, it made her pulse race. “In eighth grade,” he said, “I decided I wanted to go to college and study modern ranching techniques.”

“Did you?” she asked, and he shook his head. “Why not? Rachel and Jesse went.”

“Lack of money and bad timing.”

She pulled back to look at him, then found a position lying on her side that made it easier to watch his face. The Sundance was the second largest ranch in the county. The Lone Wolf beat them by only a hundred acres. She’d figured the new dude ranch operation was helping to bring in cash, but mostly to avoid layoffs while times were tough. At least that had been her assumption. It was hard to imagine the McAllister family having serious money problems. Severe enough that Trace couldn’t afford school.

“What do you mean by bad timing?” She decided to lead with the less touchy issue.

“After Jesse finished college he joined the air force. None of us expected that. My father had passed away two years earlier and Cole was running the ranch. He did a hell of a job. I helped as much as I could but I was still wet behind the ears. Man, I would’ve felt like shit taking off for college and leaving him to shoulder everything. I figured I still had time, even if I had to wait until Jesse got out of the military.” He lifted a thick lock of her hair, then watched it sift through his fingers and fall behind her shoulder.

She thought the gesture sweet until she realized he was simply preserving his view of her bare breast. It made her smile.

“What?”

“Nothing.” She scooted closer and rested her hand on his waist. “And?”

“Rachel was coming up behind me and I knew she was itching to go to that fancy college in Dallas. Tuition wasn’t cheap, although we didn’t have money problems back then. Several years later, yeah, big hurdle. But nearly everyone around here was in the same fix, and we’re still meeting payroll so no complaints from me.”

“Except Jesse is home now and you should be able to go to school if you want.”

“Money is still tight. Anyway, no point in learning about a bunch of new techniques we don’t have the financial resources to implement. Maybe someday.” He shrugged a shoulder. “I read a lot and try to keep up on what’s out there or what might be coming down the chute. Let everybody else be guinea pigs.”

She hated that he’d been held back, and was stunned to learn the McAllisters weren’t the family of power and means she’d imagined. They’d compromised and worked their butts off so their hired hands could keep their jobs. She liked them all the more.

“By the way...” Trace let the backs of his fingers trail over her breast. Her nipple’s instant response made his mouth curve in a smile. “Don’t say anything about my wanting to go to college to anybody. No need kicking up dust for nothing.”

“Doesn’t your mom or any of your family know?”

“Nope. I was a pretty decent student. I got mostly B’s, though, not like Rachel and Jesse. My mom was still mourning my dad, and I think she figured I was more like Cole and didn’t have a head for school.”

“You must’ve mentioned it at some point.”

He leaned closer and tongued her nipple. They’d already made love twice in the three hours since returning from Kalispell. Trace had been quick to inform her he had a third condom in his glove box. She knew he wanted to distract her, but he also wanted her, period. No hiding that fact with his hard-on swelling hot and thick between them.

She touched him, hadn’t yet wrapped her fingers around his penis when he jerked back.

“Careful now, honey, or we’ll be heading for that finish line too soon again.”

“We?” Nikki laughed. “You’re like a teenager. You can’t hold back for one—” She gasped at the speed with which he spread her legs and positioned himself between them.

He pressed soft warm kisses just under her belly button, down to the narrow strip of hair left from her Brazilian wax.

“Hey.” Ordering herself not to react, she arched off the blanket anyway. “We were talking.”

“Go right ahead.” He slid a hand under her butt and lightly squeezed.

She tried to grab a fistful of hair but missed. He’d moved out of reach, trailing his lips lower, inserting a finger to test how slick she’d grown. He lifted his head, and her groan turned into a laugh at his self-satisfied smirk. “What are you doing?”

His gaze moved to her breasts. Looking like a kid who’d been told not to touch the hot stove but couldn’t seem to help himself, he rubbed his thumb over her nipple. “You haven’t figured it out yet?”

“I know what you’re doing. What I want to know is— Oh.” She jumped at the intimate swipe of his tongue.

Trace licked his way back up to her lower belly and smiled. “I’m gonna go so slow you’ll be begging me to hurry.”

* * *

IT WAS AFTER FOUR by the time Trace drove her to the house. The foyer lamp had been left on, as well as the porch light. Matt’s room was completely dark. He normally didn’t stay up too late, though she doubted he ever fell asleep before she got home from the Watering Hole. She wondered if he’d been listening for her tonight.

Trace surprised her by cutting the engine. She’d been ready to jump out and dash inside before the hands’ two Border collies started barking.

“I’m not making out with you in front of the house,” she said, barely able to keep a straight face.

“You don’t think I could get you to do that if I wanted?”

Her startled laugh came out much too loud and she covered her mouth. “You cocky bastard.”

“Come here.” He reached for her, catching an arm and pulling her toward him.

“Oh, no. You don’t even get a good-night kiss for that.”

He settled for holding her hand. “We should talk.”

Her heart nose-dived. “About?”

“How we should handle our relationship.”

Relationship. She turned the word over in her mind. They’d had sex, and yes, it was really great sex. The best she’d ever had, and she hoped for more of it. But that didn’t mean anything had changed between them.

“I’m not sure how open you want to be about us,” he said. “There are things to consider.”

“I’m not going to take out an ad in the Salina Gazette and announce I had sex with you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Nikki.” He looked shocked, his hand tightening around hers. “Did I really give you that impression?”

“No. I’m sorry.” She sighed. “I promise we aren’t pulling anything over on Matt. I doubt he thinks we’ve been playing checkers all night. Personally, I don’t care that he knows we’ve had sex.”

For a moment she thought Trace might’ve flinched slightly. He continued to study her, his expression troubled. The silence kept growing, and she didn’t know how to fill it. He hadn’t released her hand but whether he did or not, in a second she was getting out of the truck.

“I’ll talk to Matt later,” he said, finally. “Tell him it was my fault...that I kept you out late.”

“You will not. I can’t believe you—Matt is my brother, not my guardian. For God’s sake, Trace, I’m twenty-five.” She really wanted to throw something. “I can handle my own life. God,” she said through gritted teeth.

Trace just sat there as the furrow in his brow deepened. “That came out wrong. I only meant that I don’t want him thinking that anyone saw us, or— Look, this is a small town, people talk. He should know we were careful. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Careful about what? Are you worried about my reputation?”

“Well, yeah. You know how bad the gossip can be.”

She breathed in deeply. First, he talked about a relationship, and now he cared if anyone had seen them? That didn’t even make sense. She might be Matt’s sister, but everyone knew she wasn’t like him.

Though she would prefer not to be thought of as just another notch on Trace’s belt once he moved on, but if that happened... “If there’s gossip, I’ll deal with it.”

“Just you? On your own?”

She nodded. “Seriously. Don’t worry about it. I can take the heat.”

“Honey, do you regret what we did tonight?”

“No. Not at all.” Nikki sighed. “I really don’t. I just hope things don’t change between us.”

Trace stayed silent for a long time. He’d turned his head so that he could stare out the windshield and into the darkness.

“Hey,” she said, and he turned back. “If we hook up again, we hook up again. If we don’t, that’s okay.” She shrugged. “That’s all.”

If he’d seemed confused before, now he looked pissed.

“What?”

“Nothing. You seem to have figured it all out.” He pushed his hand through his hair. “Look, you’re strong and independent and I admire that about you. I have no doubt you can handle your life just fine. But that doesn’t mean I’ll sit on my thumbs and not want to have your back. If it makes it easier letting Matt know what’s what, then I want to be there.”

Again, she didn’t know what to say. With the exception of her mother and now Matt, no one had ever had her back. Not in the way Trace meant. It seemed hard to believe he was sincere, but everything from the way he looked at her to the care he took when he held her said he was.

That didn’t mean she thought he’d still be knocking on her door next week. “Fine.”

“Damn right it’s fine.” He cupped her chin and looked into her eyes. “Tell me you wouldn’t be there for me.”

“Of course I would,” she murmured, still not sure how to take this. She’d expected him to be the one to make it clear there were no strings attached. In her experience guys tended to do that after they got what they wanted. Maybe their friendship made things different.

She’d never been friends with a guy before. Garret had been concerned with his own reputation, not hers. And the others? She doubted if they’d ever given it one thought. All Trace did was confuse her. “I’d better get inside before the dogs start barking.” She lifted the handle, but before she could get out, Trace had come around to her side.

“What?”

“You couldn’t wait and let me get the door for you?”

Nikki grinned. “First you say sexist things about showing me off and then you want to open the door for me.”

“At least I’m consistent.” That damn smile of his. He slid his arms around her, apparently unconcerned that the porch light was shining on them. “I want that good-night kiss.”

She glanced at the dark bunkhouse. “So much for not sparking any gossip.”

“Yeah,” he said, pulling away a bit. He rubbed her back, brushed a quick kiss on the tip of her nose. “About that...I sure can try to keep us low-key, but it means I’d have to stay away from the Watering Hole.” His gaze dropped to her mouth. “Although I don’t see me pulling it off for more than an hour.”

“A whole hour, huh?” Nikki was getting pretty good at appearing cool, except for her traitorous sprinting pulse. “You better not be using me to discourage all those women from chasing after you.”

“Using you? You know better.” He tipped her chin up. “Gotta admit, though, that’s a nice bonus.” He looked at her as if kissing her this very instant was the most important thing in his whole life. But he held back. For her. When he let go of her hand to step away, she grabbed on to his shirtsleeve.

“Wait.” Why she had the sudden urge to confess, she didn’t know. But she had to tell him about the prom dress. She had to say it out loud because remembering had triggered old shame that started eating at her on the way home. And Trace was her friend, right? She hoped he wouldn’t judge. If he did, well, still better to let him see her for who she was. “I have something to tell you.”

He nodded, his gaze narrowing slightly.

“That dress...the one my mom bought me for the prom. It cost so much, I had no business asking for it in the first place.” She paused to swallow. “I’d picked it up from the store just before Garrett cancelled on me. I should’ve turned around right then and gotten a refund. But I was furious and hurt and I wasn’t thinking.”

She shook her head, amazed that the pain of that day felt so fresh. Almost as crippling as her shame. “I missed the bus and had to walk home. The dress was wrapped in plastic but I’d dragged it a mile before I saw that the hem had been completely ruined. My mother had worked so many hours so she could get me that dress.”

Staring at him, she let out a pent-up breath. Well crap, confessing hadn’t felt as freeing as she’d hoped. Probably because he didn’t really understand what it had been like for her and her mother back then. Which was made more clear by his helpless shrug.

“Hey, fifteen. That’s a tough age. Everybody messes up when they’re fifteen.”

“But I hurt my mom, the only one who’s always been there for me. What kind of person does that?”

“A teenager.” He’d gone back to rubbing her back. “Feel better getting it off your chest?”

“I’m not sure,” she said, still off balance and mentally scrambling to pull herself back on track.

Trace talked as if what she’d done was nothing. Like skipping a class or not returning a library book. He’d implied there would be more between them. He’d used the word relationship, although she’d have to ask him what he meant by that. Later. Because she wasn’t certain she wanted to know yet. There was a part of her that wanted to pretend that the look in his eyes was full of promises he’d keep. But that couldn’t be true. She wasn’t some delicate flower. She’d never be that. No matter where she lived, or how clean her slate was supposed to be.

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s get you to the door. I’ve kept you out way past your bedtime.” His arm was around her back as he led her up the steps. “Besides, if we get close enough to the door, I don’t think anyone could see me steal one more kiss.”

She didn’t object. And when he kissed her in the shadows, she kissed him back. But instead of getting swept away by the kiss, an unpleasant thought occurred to her. Had she really needed to tell him about the dress? Or was she trying to sabotage the best thing that had ever happened to her? It didn’t matter, though.

Whatever this was between them would come to an end sooner or later. Given her experiences, she’d bet on sooner.

* * *

TRYING TO WAKE UP, Nikki stared at the coffee carafe, watching the brew drip, and yawning as if she hadn’t slept in a month. The clock taunted her, claiming it was one-thirty in the afternoon, but her poor tired body and pounding head swore it was the middle of the night. That was more accurate since she hadn’t fallen asleep until after seven.

As soon as there was enough coffee brewed, she filled a mug before returning the carafe to the fancy chrome station so it could finish the job. She savored the first sip, convinced there wasn’t enough caffeine in the house to get her moving faster.

Naturally tonight she had to work. With it being her first day back since Wallace had died, she hoped people gave her space. She didn’t need it because of his death, but she was bound to be cranky from too little sleep.

“Hey, you made coffee.” Matt entered the kitchen from outside. She hadn’t even heard the door. “You just get up? Late night?” He tried to look innocent, but she saw the corners of his mouth quirk up.

“Not particularly.” She wasn’t volunteering a damn thing.

He brought a mug out from the upper cabinet, then opened the fridge. “We have to talk about Lucy.”

“What about her?”

“Did she say anything to you about staying on here?”

“Oh.” Nikki saw why he’d brought up the subject. The refrigerator shelves were sparse. “No, but I think she would’ve talked to you before me.”

“The past few days seemed to fly by. I don’t know if she needs the money or would rather quit working.”

“I can run to town and pick up groceries.” She noticed the wood floor needed sweeping. God, she hoped Lucy stayed on. It was a big house. “I’ll sweep and dust later. Right now coffee isn’t optional.”

“I won’t be surprised if she wants out. She’s getting up there in years and I wouldn’t want her doing too much. If she’s ready to retire we’ll find someone to come in a couple times a week.”

Nikki leaned a hip against the counter. “I’ll chip in to cover the cost.”

“No, you won’t. A housekeeper’s salary comes out of the ranch fund. It’s half yours, anyway.”

“I’m not arguing with you over the Lone Wolf again. I don’t want anything from Wallace.”

“Don’t be so damn hardheaded.” Matt set down his mug with a thud. “This place was never Wallace’s to give. How many more times do I have to explain the Gunderson trust fund to you?”

“None.” Nikki topped off her coffee. She was going to the living room to drink it in peace.

“Fine. I’ll let the attorney spell out the terms for you. Maybe he can get through that thick skull of yours.”

“Good luck with that.” She had no intention of being railroaded into going to an attorney’s office.

“Tomorrow morning I’m flying to Dallas. Just overnight. I’ll be back by noon the following day. Mr. Kessler will meet us here at 4:00 p.m. to read the will.”

She sighed. So much for refusing to go to the attorney’s office. “Wait.” She stopped at the door and turned. “Did you say Dallas?” she asked, and he nodded. “For a rodeo?”

“No. Not until next month. I’m meeting with a guy who breeds champion bulls. The Lone Wolf is doing fine for now but we have to keep our eye on the future.”

Ranch business wasn’t on her mind. Having the house to herself overnight? Different story. “Sounds like a short trip. Are you sure you won’t need to stay longer?”

“You’re not afraid to stay here alone, are you?” Matt didn’t bother to hide his grin. “I’m sure Trace wouldn’t mind babysitting.”

“Oh, shut up.” She left the kitchen smiling, too, thinking how it would’ve been just like this ten years ago had they known each other. He would’ve teased her all the time, and she wouldn’t have liked it. She did now.

She headed for the privacy of the living room, one hand searching her jeans’ pocket for her phone. This was awesome. If she could get Sheila or Gretchen to work for her tomorrow night, it would be even more perfect.

“Nikki?” Matt had followed her as far as the foyer. “Don’t forget our appointment with Mr. Kessler. He’s driving in from Kalispell.”

“No reason for me to be here.”

“You’re specifically named in his will.”

She fisted her hand around the cell phone. “I already told you...I don’t want anything from that man.”

“Fine. Whatever he’s left you, give it to charity. I don’t care.” He raked a hand through his hair and heaved a tired sigh. “Just be here on Wednesday.”