At lunch I just sat and daydreamed about my dimming future with AJ. Everyone was excited about embarking on a new journey and seeing the world in a whole new way. Conversation was lively and bounced off the cafeteria walls the entire hour. AJ and I sat next to one another at the table silently – never speaking one word to one another. When the bell sounded, he rose up from his seat and didn’t bother waiting for me. We’d had arguments before, but this felt very different.
I took my seat beside him in Ms. Jamison’s class and sat completely still. I was preoccupied with trying to figure out what exactly was going on between the two of us. This felt bad – really bad. I watched him nervously from the corner of my eye as he fidgeted with his pencil and contemplated. What is he thinking? The bell startled me from my spying. I gathered my things slowly, fully expecting for him to leave without me again, but I was surprised to see him standing by the door. I approached him cautiously. “Can you meet me in the auditorium next hour? We need to talk,” he said quietly. My heart sank, but I agreed to be there. “Ten minutes,” he said flatly.
The hands on the clock seemed to be moving in slow motion. I was equally nervous and anxious to find out what AJ needed to say to me that couldn’t wait. When it was finally time, I rushed to the front of the classroom and faked another stomach ache. The hallway leading to the auditorium seemed to grow longer as I walked it. My hand lingered on the door handle for a few seconds while I built up the courage to open it. When the light flooded in from the hall, I could briefly see AJ standing against the wall.
“You wanted to talk?” I asked reluctantly as the door latched behind me.
I didn’t hear anything for a few seconds. “If you can’t trust me and I’m right here, then you definitely won’t trust me when I’m hundreds of miles away. I’ve never given you any reason to think that I’d hurt you.” He choked on his question. “Do you want to end things now? You seem to think that you know that I’m gonna be out there sleeping with all these other girls, so if you’ll rest more peacefully at night, maybe we should just call it quits now.” I was grateful for the darkness because I couldn’t control my facial expression as it twisted up in protest.
“What?.......No! Are you crazy?? That’s not what I want at all!”
“Then what do you want? Would it make you feel better if I told you I was going to have a different girl in my bed every night? That’s what you’re expecting isn’t it?”
I had no defense. “I don’t know what I expect. I just know that I can’t stand the thought of you being with someone else and I can’t help but to think that us not having sex anymore is going to drive you into someone else’s arms.”
“But you didn’t just start this. You’ve brought it up before today. So, what is it really?” His tone was even harsher than it was in the car this morning.
“I don’t know. It could be a lot of things,” I replied.
“Like what?” He asked, still sounding annoyed.
“Don’t you ever feel like there’s an anvil just waiting to drop on our relationship? It just feels like we’re doomed, AJ! The only thing that’s on our side is that we love each other. But aside from that, we’re like one short step away from absolute disaster. Think about it! Why wouldn’t I expect for things to continue to fall apart?” I asked.
“Well maybe that’s where we’re different. I seem to have foolishly let myself buy into the notion that love is enough. Even if nothing else lines up, love is always enough.”