“Sam, I’m not mad. This is just…….a lot for me to take in. It’s fine. You don’t have to leave,” he explained.
My hand was still on the handle and I was beginning to feel a little nauseous. I desperately wanted to believe him, but there were new feelings developing inside of me that I couldn’t control – distrust and doubt. I’d never had any of these feelings toward AJ – aside from the incident with Leila and her ridiculous lie – and I hated myself for being weak enough for them to overtake me now. I released the handle and leaned back in the seat, but didn’t close the door back. I needed to know that I was still what he wanted with the new limitations set on our relationship. “AJ, you’ve always been honest with me. Can I trust you to be honest with me now?”
“Of course,” he replied without even thinking about the question.
“Are you sure you can handle this? Like, seriously? I’m not dumb; I know what college girls are like and I won’t be mad if you’re up front with me now, but don’t wait until something happens. Tell me now if you can deal with it.” I couldn’t make myself look at him. My eyes shifted back and forth wildly as I waited for him to respond. As much as I didn’t want for him to say that he didn’t think he was capable, I would’ve almost been relieved. Deep down in my heart I didn’t have much faith in him considering the circumstances that we’d be facing soon. So, to hear him admit that now would be much easier than getting a phone call from him in the future telling me that he’d slept with someone else.
AJ turned my face to his and forced me to concentrate on what he was about to say. “I love you. All of you – your personality, your quirks, your neurotic breakdowns.“ He smiled when he said that one. “Your bratty outbursts, your artistic side, the way you love me, and your body. All of those things together make you…..you, and if I turn my back on you because of that one aspect of who you are I’d be saying that the sex is the most important part of our relationship, and I hope you know that that’s not true. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life than I am about my feelings for you. If you feel this strongly about stopping……then I’ll respect your decision.” He paused. “I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to.” The lingering question in my mind must have been written all over my face, so he answered it promptly. “And I’d never cheat on you.”
He wiped the single tear that ran down my cheek and continued to stare into my eyes until he was satisfied that I believed him.
“We should get to class,” I said flatly.
“Not until you tell me that you trust me,” he demanded as another tear escaped.
“I want to sooooo bad AJ, but I just……”
He sighed and gave up trying to convince me. The handle to his door clicked, he climbed out and slammed it harder than was necessary. As we walked into the building he was a couple steps ahead of me – obviously angered by his inability to sway me. After a minute or two, I gave up trying to keep up with him. I stood there in the middle of the hallway while students passed by me as if I were invisible. My eyes were still fixed on AJ as he walked away from me and disappeared around the corner without even looking back. That was exactly what was going to happen this August when we both left for college – AJ would walk away and wouldn’t even look back in my direction. Mr. Hahn was absolutely right about that one thing.