Fuck. I hate it when he’s right. Maybe I’m the one making things worse by repeatedly emphasizing the fact that she is my friend when I know we both feel something more there. But I can’t get over the feeling that I’m somehow betraying Alyssa by allowing myself to feel. Damn, apparently I’m the one who is a little fucking sissy now.
Before either of us can say another word, a shrill screech cuts through the air. I hit my side on the counter as I rush to my son’s room. Tears are streaming down his face as he cries for his mom. I fucking knew this was going to happen. I look around for his ‘magic bear’, the one Alyssa gave him right before she died. It’s nowhere to be found. I pull Jacob onto my lap, rubbing slow circles over his back as I rock him. Braydon’s standing in the doorway watching the two of us.
“I need you to call her,” I say, knowing I don’t have to tell him who. “I think his bear is in her car.”
Braydon disappears as I continue whispering soothing words in Jacob’s ear. The uncontrollably wailing turns into stilted sobs and I can feel the tension leaving him. His breathing slows and I think he’s going back to sleep, but I’m proven wrong when he starts crying again. Louder this time.
“Why did Mommy leave us?” Jacob cries, burying his face in my shirt. This is one of the few times he’s acknowledged that she’s actually gone and it doesn’t get easier as time passes. I’m not sure that it’ll ever be easy to listen to him cry, feeling as if he’s been abandoned by the woman who gave birth to him.
“I don’t know, buddy,” I sigh, unable to come up with any explanation that might make sense to his young mind. I’ve tried to avoid bringing up the fact that she was really sick and now she’s not because the one time I did, he freaked about what would happen if I got sick too. The truth is, every reason I could give him sucks. Alyssa was right, Jacob deserves to be raised by two parents, but that wasn’t in the cards.
The front door slams closed and Melanie races into the dark bedroom. “What’s going on?” she asks breathlessly, crouching beside the bed. She tries handing the bear to Jacob while he’s in my arms, but he lunges at her, wanting her embrace more than mine. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t sting to know that she’s the one he wants to comfort him.
“My mommy…” he sobs, crushing his body to Melanie’s. “I asked her to stay, but she wouldn’t. She just kept walking away from me.” I look down to Melanie, somewhat relieved to know I’m not the only adult in the room crying. “Miss Melanie, why wouldn’t she even look at me?”
Melanie shifts so she’s sitting on the floor, leaning against the edge of the bed with Jacob across her lap. She gently rocks him from side to side, whispering into his hair. Braydon’s leaning in the doorframe, out of the way but close enough to make sure his nephew is okay. “Buddy, we talked about this, remember? You can’t see your mommy, but she’s still here with you. I’m sorry we forgot to grab Blaze out of my car.”
“It’s okay,” he says, his breathing still shaky as he calms down. Less than a minute in her arms and he’s over the worst of his dream. I’m beyond screwed. Melanie jerks her head toward the door, a silent request for me to give them some alone time. I bend down, giving each of them a kiss on their heads before slowly leaving the room. When I reach the door and glance back, I am in awe of the woman who doesn’t even realize that she just ran through the apartment complex wearing nothing but a thin tank top and boxer shorts because my son needed her.
“You still want to tell me I’m wrong?” Braydon asks quietly as I close Jacob’s bedroom door. He’s sitting at one of the high barstools, scrubbing at his face with his palms. “That was fucking intense. I don’t know how in the hell you do it, bro.”
I don’t, that’s the problem. Not once in the past month have I been the person dealing with Jacob’s occasional bad dreams or the questions about his mom. Granted, there haven’t been that many, but if I was half the father he needs, I would be the one he comes to. I wonder if we’d still be dealing with him wailing at the top of his lungs if Melanie hadn’t rushed over here. Blaze might have helped calm him down, but it wasn’t a stuffed animal that stopped his tears, it was her.
I’ve been so focused on getting both of us through the most basic functions of living that I haven’t figured out how to handle the occasional crisis. And now that I’m living so close to Melanie, it would be far too easy for me to allow her to keep rescuing both of us on nights like this. I’m Jacob’s father. It’s my responsibility to be the one who protects him from the scary dreams and monsters under his bed. Melanie can help me navigate my way through those scenarios, but I can’t keep letting her take over as I walk away.