“What am I going to do?” I ask Katelyn. I lead her into the kitchen, sitting down. She’s across from me, holding my hand when I should be holding hers. I should be her rock right now. She’s just lost her husband and here I am complaining to her.
“I’m not sure I can answer that for you,” she says, her eyes full of pity. I really need to stop thinking about myself and start thinking about her.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be dumping this on you. You have enough to deal with.” I remove my hand and start cleaning up our mess. I invited her over for breakfast, not problem solving.
“I’m your friend, Josie. You can dump anything on me.”
I shake my head and leave her sitting at the table. She comes and stands next to me while the sink fills with hot sudsy water.
“I remember everything so clearly. It’s like all my memories are this vivid coloring book turned into a nightmare. I dreamt about him last night and I haven’t done that since Noah was about two. I stopped reading the magazines and looking for the music videos because I needed a clean break and now he’s here for the next few days and there’s nothing I can do to keep him from coming to Noah’s game tonight.”
“Have you thought about sitting down with him and talking to him about Noah?” she asks as I start washing the dishes. I soak my hands in the water and relish the feel of the burn from the hot water.
“I don’t think I can.” I sigh and lean my head against hers. “Nick wants Liam to sign some adoption papers or something like that, but I don’t know. Nick and I haven’t discussed this and I fear it’s a knee-jerk reaction to Liam showing up in town.”
Katelyn takes my hands in hers and pulls them out of the water. We're dripping water and soap bubbles travel down the front of our clothes and onto the floor. She holds them tight, her eyes brimming with tears.
“I lost my husband last week and wasn’t able to say good-bye. You are being given a second chance and whether you make that chance just about Noah or to find some closure for yourself you owe it to the three of you to find a happy medium. If Noah was to ever find out that Liam is his dad and you didn’t tell him while he has this one chance to know him, he’ll never forgive you, Josie, and you’ll never forgive yourself.”
“Liam is going to hurt him,” I say through tears.
“Liam might surprise you if you give him a chance.”
We end up spending the rest of the afternoon at her house avoiding the topic of Liam. Katelyn decided she wanted to tackle the man room in the basement and we’re marking things that she thinks Mason’s friends will like. When I come to Liam’s name on the list I have to fight the tears – it’s like she’s forgiven him for everything without a second thought – because Liam is getting Mason’s Most Valuable Player trophy that he earned in college.
CHAPTER 13
LIAM
He gave me the time and place and asked me to come watch him. Said I could give him some pointers on his five-step drop at halftime. I want to do this, I do, but I don’t know. Josie made it crystal clear she wants me to have nothing to do with him and I don’t see her knocking on my door asking me to claim him.
But I want to watch him play. I want to remember what it was like to love the game and maybe I'll learn to love it again now that I have a reason to watch – if I’m even allowed to have this reason. Josie holds all the cards where Noah is concerned.
The last time I sat down for a game was Mason’s last one as a senior. I never had a chance to tell him, but I never missed a game, watching him on television every Saturday. A few times I thought about showing up to one, but I wasn’t ready to face anyone. Apparently, I’m still not since I can’t have a decent conversation or be in the same room with Josie without pissing her off.
But she’s so feisty when she’s upset. I miss that. I miss seeing the fire in her eyes when she’s determined to prove me wrong. I miss the passion in her body when she’s trying to show me what it’s like to be loved by her. I’d give anything to feel that with her again, even if it’s just for one fleeting, solitary moment. Just one quick taste of my girl again and I’d be complete.
I’m a liar.
I’ve been lying to myself since the day I left Beaumont. I walked away from the one great thing in my life because I was selfish enough to think I didn’t need her and that she’d be better off without me.
And if I could, I’d go back and change it all.
“Hello?”
“Liam?” I look at my phone, confused by the number showing on the display.
“Yeah, who’s this?”
“This is Betty Addison, your grandmother.”
I pull the phone away again and look at the screen. Maybe I didn’t hear her properly, but I swear she said grandmother. I only know my father’s side of the family. My mother never talked about her parents.
“Um… okay,” I say not sure what else to add.