“She’s something.”
Within a few weeks of knowing me, she’d been able to point out something I’d be good at, something I’d enjoy. She didn’t treat me like I was a worthless dipshit. If I were ready to right my capsized relationship issues, she’d be the person at the top of my list. Maybe there could be an “us” someday if I got that internship at Humboldt. Our ticking time clock would disappear, and we could work on something more.
I finished filling out the application to Humboldt and clicked send. If I could catch a break and get an internship, maybe this would get Dad off my back. The Option C I’d been waiting for. Then again, if I didn’t get it—or worse, if it turned out like every other career avenue I’d gone down—a dead end, then I’d get my hopes up for nothing. But it was a risk I was willing to take.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jules
“How are you doing today?” Dr. Ahrendt looked at me over her black-framed glasses.
I smiled and bounced my toes on the ground, barely able to contain the giddiness that had taken over my entire body. “For once, I can honestly say I’m great.”
She smiled and scribbled something on her notepad. “You look happy. What’s brought this on?”
“I met someone.” I fiddled with my nail, waiting for her response.
“That’s great.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek. “It’s kind of complicated.”
She took off her glasses and set them on the table, her brown eyes studying me. “How so?”
“We decided to keep it purely physical, but I don’t know. I think it’s turning into something more.”
“Is that what you want?”
Was it? I told Ryan a no-strings relationship was what I’d wanted. “I think so. It just makes me nervous.” Like if this went further, I’d have to eventually introduce him to my snotty parents who’d make him feel like gum on their Italian leather shoes. He did not need my family baggage unloaded on him.
“Why?”
“What if things get serious and my parents don’t like him?”
“Do you really want your parents dictating your life?”
Too late. “No.” I picked at my nail polish, a fleck of pink shooting to the floor. “But I don’t want to disappoint them, either.”
“And you think this guy will disappoint them?”
“No. I don’t know. Maybe?” I couldn’t come up with the right words to explain my parents. “They’re weird. Ever since the thing with Eric, they expect me to be perfect, and I can only imagine that would include having the perfect boyfriend.” One who drove expensive sports cars, had a trust fund, and a degree from an Ivy League school.
Dr. Ahrendt frowned. “That’s no way to live. Have you talked to them about this?”
I scoffed. “They’d just be disappointed in me, even if it doesn’t make sense. I always find a way to disappoint them.”
“Maybe you should. If anything, it’d make you feel better.”
Right. Making them angry was the opposite of what I’d want to do.
“Jules?” Her use of my name pulled me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“It’s not up to your parents, or anyone for that matter, to decide your worth. Only you can determine that.”
Baloney. If that were the case, how come it hurt so bad to disappoint the ones I loved so much? I wanted to believe Dr. Ahrendt, but the words just didn’t ring true. They couldn’t. Not when all I craved was for someone to tell me good job or even I’m proud of you. But instead I got a huge you’re not good enough and why can’t you have an ounce of Eric’s creativity?
Dr. Ahrendt tapped her pen on her desk as she examined me. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you are the key to your own happiness.”
I raised my brow and chewed on my lip, tamping down what I really wanted to say: easy for you to say. She was young, successful, and already had a hubby. Happiness probably followed her around in a Mickey cloud above her head.
“Just try to keep that in mind.”
Yeah, sure. I’d keep that in mind as I trudged my way toward a degree I didn’t want, further away from a career I’d love. God, how did I go from giddy to woe is me in ten minutes? Ryan was my saving grace in all this, and I needed to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible. I managed to steer our conversation to the fishing trip I’d taken with Ryan—omitting the sex—for the remainder of the appointment.
As soon as our session ended, I booked it out of her office. Payton’s text buzzed through when I descended the steps of the building.
P: Party tonight at the frat. U coming?
J: Hells yeah.